Just Stuff

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Blah

I've got the blahs.

Usually the blahs last for a few days, then my spirits start to lift again. This is an extended blah. And I'm having trouble moving past it this time.

Now I know me, and when it gets cold, I have to start making myself get outside every day, or I get seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and start to feel nervous, shaky, down.... I know from past winters that if I get out every day for at least 15 minutes, I can go the whole dark season without getting SAD. I don't think this is just SAD. First of all, it's early. It's usually February when I start to get the typical SAD symptoms. Secondly, this blah is a little different. I just feel discouraged. And lonely. And tired. I basically start to look forward to going to bed as soon as I wake up in the morning. That's depression.

So. I am a QMHP. (qualified mental health professional) So I should be able to make a treatment plan for myself. The tough part is sticking to it. But the first step is agreeing there's a problem. (I feel like dog doo) The second is making a plan to do something about it.

Service plan for WF 41 YO presenting with: Depression

Week 1: Get outside every day for a minimum of 15 minutes
              Exercise every other day for a minimum of 10 minutes (aerobic exercise)
              Make a social plan at least 1x/2 week period
              Get 8 hours of sleep every night

The third step is to implement it. Today I informed my family I was going for a walk. The kids ultimately decided they were going with me. After about 20 minutes of them "getting ready" while I waited, we headed out the door. Neither is enthusiastic about such things, but neither wanted to stay home with Papa, so they ended up walking to the end of the street with me. My DD decided to "beat us home" and ran back. Awesome. I ended up carrying my DS, but he walked a good bit of the way. So we all got out. (Hubby too) It's a good start. Maybe I'll set up an incentive chart for myself. Childish, maybe, but it helps me. Maybe the social plan can be my reward.

Blah.

Down In the Valley...

Monday morning. The only day my daughter has school this week. And she's in hell. She is now saying, with great frequency, that she hates school. In the same vent she stated that "this school is the best" and yet she still hates it. And I hate forcing her to go. Day after day after day. I feel like a giant, walking conflict every morning. And it sucks. And I find myself saying in my head "I hate my life." Over and over. But is that true? No. It's not true. I love my life. No I don't. But I really COULD. I just feel that my bookshelf is toppled on the floor in a giant heap of a mess. And my daughter's is toppled on top of mine. And hubby's has toppled nearby, and is tangling in with ours. And I'm at a loss. I have undiagnosed ADD and when I see a mess, any kind of mess, I walk around in circles baffled as to where to start with cleaning it up. It is true tangibly, and it is true metaphorically. And so. I basically feel unfinished all the time. And my environment, physical and mental/emotional, is cluttered and unkempt.

And I'm the only one who can do something about it. So where to start?

Medication? Nope, I'm nursing.
Help? Whom?
Delegate more? Trying
Find a better situation for DD? Trying!!!
Find some joy for myself? Trying.
Clean my physical environment to help my mental environment? I try and try and try and get nowhere.

Anything else?

My typical day, represented in one 10 minute interval: Take a sip of coffee and set my coffee cup down. Start to walk somewhere, maybe the bathroom. Get distracted by DD, who says "You HAVE to see this!!" Go over to see whatever it is, for the 200th time that day. Speak some dully enthusiastic words to her, and start to head away. DD starts a conversation which draws me part way back. I inform her I"m headed to the bathroom. She asks if she can go too. Of course. I go, and she asks me to stay with her while she goes. Rolling my eyes, I stand near the bathroom door. She wants me to come in the room. Then DS wants to come in. I'm in the hall. DD wants DS to shut the door. She dawdles, and takes several minutes to get down to business. I am processing the fact that we have no one to care for the cats when we're going to be away, and notice that the cat box is, as usual, in need of attention. I then scold DD for playing in the bathroom sink, something that drives me crazy and she has been told endless times. Then the phone is ringing and it's DH. I'm on the phone, so the volume in the house rises exponentially. I walk away from the bathroom so I can hear, and DD is calling me back in urgent tones. Not an emergency, just her anxiety. DS is pulling the toilet paper out in a stream. DH is sounded extremely put-out by having to wait to talk while I redirect the kids. I rush them out of the bathroom, transferring his annoyance on them by being impatient and irritable. I put the tv on, and listen while my DD loudly protests my selection of shows. I walk away from the tv so I can try to hear DH, and trip over the cat, who wants to be fed. Now where did I put my coffee?

Frazzle Fried

Please, take me at my ugliest, and add more rocks and boulders to my back and shoulders. Why not?

The other day I had a total temper tantrum. I flipped my lid. I had had enough. It was day's end, and I was sitting in bed waiting, desperately waiting, for my son to fall asleep, so I could go downstairs, enjoy a beer, and get away from it all for a while. But my son would not fall asleep. And this is my routine kid! The other one has simply had to adjust to me leaving the room while she is still awake. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I flipped out. I yelled at everyone. I cried. I stomped and stormed. And then after we had all spent a spell downstairs and gone back up again, and my son DID fall asleep, and I tried to leave the room, and my daughter yelled, asking me where I was going.... I flipped again. And again we all ended up downstairs, and again I stomped and stormed and cried. Until I just got too tired. And of course realized what had been true all along. That no one. No one was going to bed until I reset myself and got back into the routine. And so I did. And we all went to bed.

Did it help? Did all of my outpouring change anything? No. It just flattened me for the next day. Although I ended up going to sleep fairly early, I felt as if I hadn't slept at all. Though hubby did decide to come home the next day (I didn't ask) in the morning and spend the day helping out. I guess my volcanic eruption may have indicated I was over the edge! And that was nice. But man did I feel bad. I yelled at everyone. I kept everyone up later than necessary. I carried on like a child. Great job, kiddo! All I got out of it was confirmation that I, too, am coming down with the awful cold that both kids have been dealing with.

Oh yeah, so there's that, too. Last weekend was DS's birthday. Sunday. But Thursday he is, out of nowhere, so sick I am worried. He is feverish, lethargic, vomiting, eating nothing, moaning.... the kid is miserable. I make the decision to cancel his birthday party for Saturday. By day's end, it is obvious that DD is getting it too, so I decide to keep her home from school on Friday. So we all hunkered down, and made the best of it. The weekend came, and hubby was here to help out. Sunday arrived, DS's birthday. Also Halloween. Thank goodness DS didn't really seem to notice or care that the party hadn't happened on Saturday. A small blessing. Sunday we celebrated as a family, giving him gifts throughout the day. He seemed very happy. We geared up for Halloween - not something you skip regardless of illness, earthquake, flood..... DD got her costume together. DS didn't want to wear one. We weren't even sure til the last minute that he would be willing to go trick or treating. But in the end, he was enthusiastic. So out we went. And it was Cold. The kids enjoyed themselves, but after a while first one, then the other, headed for home. Too cold! And DD simply wasn't feeling well enough to do more. And that was fine. The kids enjoyed answering the door for the rest of the evening.

The next morning, two ill kids came downstairs with me at 6:30 a.m. I called DD out of school again. Tuesday she went, though really she could have used the week. She was reluctant. Take a child who has anxiety issues, give her a bad cold, and completely throw her off-schedule, and you've got a picture of DD. Not happy. But she made the best of it. Regardless, illness intensifies anxiety in anyone, and for one for whom anxiety is high in a normal situation...anyhow, she's been needy, intense. But overall, pretty good. But constant. So it was Tuesday night .. and that's where I started this blog post.

Bedtime, no sleeping kids, mama flips out, everyone goes to sleep. (not DH, of course, who stays up very late in order to get his time) Wednesday the kids are up early with me, as usual. Both are ill, tired, and in need of some reassurance. DD is home again. Regardless of my needs, however acute, theirs come first. We hunker down again. Hubby calls early, and informs me of his plan to come home. And he brings food. Nice. Very nice. I have not been able to shop in days and days, and the pickins are getting slim. The day moves along. I have informed the family that I've decided to move half of our family bed (one queen mattress) into DD's room this weekend. Everyone seems ok with that. While I realize I will be playing room-tag for months to come, I need to start the process. DD is so acutely attuned to my every move at the moment, I blink my eyes in the room where she's sleeping and she wakes up. It's time to do something different. It'll be a process, I know. Maybe a lloonngg process. And hubby will very likely continue to sleep in the other room, basically adding to our time apart. (He comes home from work, and 20 min. later I go take my "break." We eat dinner together and spend time together with the kids until about 8:15 p.m., when I take them up to bed, and, most often these days, go to bed myself. He stays up late and gets up and out before we're awake.)

This morning, we're up, and while the kids watch tv, I get us ready to take DD to school. Her ability to cope is coming to an end, and she insists, over and over again, that she's not going to school. I make my best attempt to pep-talk her through, and I get her there. Before getting in the car, she tells me that I'm forcing her to go to school, and she hates me. I know she doesn't hate me, but geesh.

So DS and I are home, and I'm too tired today to even buzz around and get things done in the house. While I don't have the obvious symptoms of cold that my kids do (both kids hacking up a lung this morning =( I'm fighting the bug, too. Popping ears, no energy...

To add to this, I've been trying (unsuccessfully so far) to connect with a professional to help us help DD with her anxiety issues. I have called three providers so far, with no luck. I'll just keep trying...

Ok, I'm drained. Enough for now. Off to drink my water with lemon. =) And for the record, I write all of this stuff not to elicit sympathy but to "dump my bookshelf" so that I can rethink and reorganize. It really does help me to get my head around it all. So if you've come this far, thanks for reading.

Confused

Sometimes I wonder if challenges are placed in front of me for a reason.

I know that many people before me have wondered the same thing. Perhaps those with faith are more familiar with these feelings. I don't know. I am not a religious person, but I have spiritual ideas sometimes.

Perhaps it is like being in a giant maze. When we keep insisting on going down the "wrong" passageway, a wall is put up again and again, blocking us from moving forward, until we realize we have no other choice but to turn, one way or another.

My body hurts from hitting the walls.

My job at the moment is raising my children. And I work on it, day in, and day out, and sometimes during the night. I work hard. I allow myself little room for selfishness. I am trying, really trying, to be a good mother to my children. One has a real anxiety issue. It effects everything we all do, day after day after day. As with any "dis" ability I do my best to help her navigate these waters. And it's not easy. She hits those maze walls so much more often than the rest of us seem to. But she bounces back and tries again. And again. And again. So while I rub my bruises, I try to rub hers. To get in the way so she doesn't hit so often. To help her understand the need to regroup and set out again. And to go easy on herself. Add to that our little guy, who charges ahead in the maze, finds others along the way who want to and are willing to help him navigate his way, panics, and runs back to me and DD. And back, and forth... "Mama do it!" So to all of this bouncing and running and turning around in circles add DH, who jumps in every now and then, attempts to help with something, gets a double dose of Mama-do-it, gets frustrated, and flares up... and you've got the basic foundation of my every day life. It's like a dance. And it's all good. It's what I do!

So I try, like anyone, to find outlets. Things to help me recharge, so that I can go back in the ring with gusto. But for reasons I don't understand, the outlets I choose turn in to maze walls.

I want FRIENDS. This is the most confusing part of my current and recent life that I just don't understand. Don't get me wrong. I have some people. And some who genuinely show an interest in seeing me more than once a month. Ok, one. And that is nice, and I am most grateful. But I want more. I want to be part of the neighborhood bunch. There are a huge amount of families with small kids in the neighborhood, and so many of them are friends. Good friends. Why not me? It's not as if I'm not out there trying. In my capacity. No, I don't go out at night right now. And it's likely I won't for a while. No, I don't have a lot of time away from my children. But true friends don't care, they find time to be with you. I tried for months and months to invite people over for play dates. Every week. Sometimes twice a week. Some tried. But it got to the point where more often than not, no one came. And that depressed me, so I stopped inviting. The other day I took DS to a neighborhood play date, and there was a houseful. A HOUSEFUL. Just like that. Maybe it's because we don't go to the public schools. But that's not enough reason. Maybe it's because I'm shy. Maybemaybemaybe. The result is that I'm not IN.

I have found that my most peaceful time is my one hour a day that I spend alone. And that is not me. Not the happy, well-balanced me. But right now, my recharge time is spent along, in my basement, sewing. And I truly love it. I do. But the genuine me doesn't want an escape. So what's this about?

And I worry. For all the hard work that I feel that I do, day in and day out, I am given more to try to figure out. A relationship that has always come easily, with few bumps, is now much more confusing, painful, and filled with cracks. What does it mean? So I hide in my "work" and hope that things straighten themselves out.

And I worry about my father, who turns 90 in March. I think about him all the time. But to complicate even that, our relationship is odd. Not bad. It's good! He champions me more than anyone else in the world, and I him. But it's odd. And confusing. But he helps me to feel better about myself. Without many words, he just has a way of gently encouraging me to be better to myself. He tells me to be more selfish. Because I'm worth it. That's nice. That's really nice. I need someone to help me feel important. The others, family, are too far away to be involved in my life. I sometimes think, lately, of what it would be like to live near the others. Would I feel better? Probably. Why can't I create that for myself here?

So I feel burdened, and I feel that life is zooming by, and I feel that I'm missing something. And I don't know how to change it. And I wonder what the message is. What am I supposed to be doing? How do I achieve the balance I so badly yearn for? Am I supposed to stop seeking, and turn inward? Find peace in what I have and stop trying for something else? Why do I hurt? Why do I continue to want things I don't have? Isn't what I have good enough? I don't understand.

Hills and Valleys (child anxiety)

It is proving to be a challenging week. And it's only Tuesday.

Last week, like any, came with it's ups and downs, but everyone worked hard, and did his and her best. As everyone does, we all faced some challenges, and we all found ways to recharge. My daughter managed this along with the rest of us. She faces life with an undiagnosed anxiety (disorder? condition?) whatever, so her ups are often a little more up than the rest of us, and her downs can be a bit more down. Not a problem, it can just take her a little bit more time and proper conditions to come back to her baseline.

By Friday, we were all ready to be done for the week. DD verbalized that she didn't want to go to school. She said that while she likes school, "I just like you better, Mama." Her way of saying she's pooped and needs to rest. I gently encouraged her to face the day the best she could, try to be in the moment, and go easy on herself. I told her I couldn't wait to come pick her up, and I meant it. The attachment parent in me wanted to keep her home. The anxiety built in to me knows that I needed her to spend some time at school in order for me to recharge. Because I was anxious.

We had planned for a couple of weeks to go to my father's for the weekend. I had decided to go on Saturday, and return on Sunday. This sets my nerves on end in several ways. For one thing, I would be traveling with the kids on my own. I have done so countless times before, but it's always a little anxiety producing. And then there was the packing. I am a lousy packer. I am disorganized by nature, and find the idea of creating a small amount of core items out of a giant mess of a house very intimidating. And I tend to forget something each time, so I worry about that. And I try to do all of that while entertaining a 2-year-old. So I walk in circles all day feeling frustrated. Add to that the fact that DH has been a tense mess and is looking SO forward to us going away, so he can have some recharge time for himself. So when, three days ahead of departure day, I develop a headache (unusual for me) and DD complains of a "thick throat" I start to wonder if we are coming down with something that will necessitate a change of plans. I worry much more about the absolute crushing disappointment DH will display at even the slight suggestion that we MIGHT stay home, than the possible illness itself. Then there is the typical and anticipated transition anxiety that DD experiences with any change in routine. And on top of that, the more recently and most likely short-lasting phase that DS is going through, where he begs me not to take him anywhere. And this is what I was carrying as the week wore on last week.

After about 2.5 days, my headache, which was only minor, and somehow sinus related, went away. DD did not complain about her throat after the one morning. We were on for the trip. Friday I dropped an exhausted (school-exhausted, if you know what I mean) DD off at school, and headed home to pack. DS started in with his statements that he didn't want to go. DH had decided to come home early to help. He helped DS get some things together, and when DD came home, he helped her to pack. I managed the rest.

Saturday morning, and DS is in full-blown toddler-mode. He does NOT want to go! I do no know what to do. DH is starting to get upset. DD is just looking at me saying, "So, are we going?" As DH gets progressively upset and angry, I decide that I am going, come hell or high tantrum, because I'm pissed at DH. I bring all of our stuff to the door, he packs it in the car, and we're ready to head out. I, in a rare moment, express my feelings at DH, and we are now having an argument. Over the roof of the car we agree to talk about things later, and we leave.

Three hours later, the kids and I are in NJ. DS had quickly turned his upset to anticipation (attaboy!) and the kids were happy to be there. My father started the list of "things we could do" and I suggested that maybe our visit was short enough this time that just being there was enough.

We end up outside, playing, which the kids love. This fall they have fallen in love with the idea of jumping in his leaf piles in the front yard. I stand near the road, and watch. Suddenly, my daughter approaches me and says, calmly, that something had poked into her leg. One second later she is screaming. She has realized that she has been stung by a bee, and it's still there. My father materializes at this point, and wipes the bee away. DD is hysterical. I get her inside, and over the coarse of about five minutes, manage to convince her to get her pants off so we can look at the sting. Over the next 30 minutes, with a constant minute of screaming, minute of calm, minute of screaming, minute of calm (repeat) I manage to look up bee stings on my computer and take care of things. We have managed to get upstairs to our bedroom, and after a few minutes, DD informs me that she is hungry. I go downstairs to make sandwiches, and my father comments that the kids don't eat at meals but eat when they want.  The rest of the day is fairly uneventful, though my daughter periodically feels she cannot walk, which means hauling her down narrow spiral stairs.

The next day is a travel day, but I'm not in a big hurry to hit the road. Hubby and I have been checking in with each other. We are just hanging out, and plan to leave after lunch. We end up in the front yard again, with the fabulous piles of leaves. The kids are pretty happy, and I am trying to get up packed up as I'm able. DD starts screaming. Shreaking. She has been stung again. I fly over to her, as done my son. Somewhere in the hysteria, I realize DS is crying, and I wonder if it's sympathy panic. No, he is bent over his hand. He, too, has been stung. As I do my best to grab them, I feel a sting on my temple. I grab them and get us inside. Screaming, hysterical children, and my adrenals are firing whatever they have left to fire. As he did Saturday during the first sting situation, grabbed his medical bag, and put a can of First Aid spray in front of us. I used it. The kids requested to go up to our bedroom, and right away requested sandwiches, just like Saturday. What an interesting reminder that kids crave routine! I made them. DS, as is his nature, was fine once the sting settled down a bit. He sat there watching a DVD with his sandwich. Crisis over. DD, as is her nature, was upset longer, and needed more time and efforts to settle back down. I add to this that I was on the phone with DH when the second stings occurred, and I rather abruptly hung up, surely leaving him very concerned on the other end. So I called him quickly a couple of times during all of this to fill him in and reassure him that all was well in the end.

After a while, we make it back downstairs. DS picks up the First Aid spray, which was sitting on the carpet. I tell him to be careful, that's it's medicine spray, and suggested he not spray it. He's two, and pretty good, but ... more screaming. He had sprayed the stuff directly into his eyes. I grab him and wash his eyes out with water, and hoped like crazy that that was the right thing to do. I wiped his eyes with a cloth, and he settled down right away. Phew.

My stress exhaustion was settling in in a big way now, and I still faced a three hour drive with two kids. By now I just wanted to get us on the road. I suggested to my father that we eat lunch early. He got right to it and made us some food. Now DD, who had pretty much settled down at this point, reminded me that she had really wanted to go on a picnic for lunch. I had zero desire to do anything more than eat and take off, but DD can be very insistent! To her absolute credit, she suggested that perhaps we could set up a table in the living room and have a picnic there. Yes! I could do that! I informed my father, and he set things up. We ate. Add in to all of this that DD is in this phase where most foods are not appealing to her, and she really doesn't eat much at meal times when we aren't at home. She had basically been existing on peanut butter crackers since we got there. Anyhow, I ate. I then packed the car, got the kids in the car, and left.

The ride back was fine. We arrived fried, and happy to be home. DH, to his credit, had bought stuff to make pumpkin pies with the kids. He got DD engaged in that pretty quickly. My much anticipated and desperately needed evening "break" time arrived, and I headed to the basement where my fabulous sewing room exists. I put my attention on a sewing pattern I've been making, and allow myself to disconnect from things for a little while. We eat dinner, relax for a bit, and I take the kids upstairs to bed. DD is still very wired. DS conks out gratefully. DD also falls asleep. I start to get up. She is just barely over on my pillow, and I decide to try to gently remove it, so the kids don't take it over before I come up to bed. Big mistake. DD wakes up, and an anxious DD won't go back to sleep. My dander is up in a big way at this point. I need her to go to sleep!! I am so in need of some time to unwind that I feel desperate. It is not to be. I inform her that I'm going downstairs to tell Papa that I'm staying up there. I go down, make myself a drink (!!!) and head back up. DH, to his credit, comes up too. We read together, and DD finally falls back to sleep. I go to bed, too.

Monday. Ugh. None of us wants to face it. But we all do. What choice do we have? I remind DD on the way to school to take things one minute at a time, and just do the best she can. I remind her that the weekend was not exactly relaxing (!) and that we didn't get time to unwind, so to go easy on herself. Then I remember that I have a dental appt. I inform DS, who of course starts his pleas that we not go. We get there, and DH has met us. DS reaches his arms to me, but I tell him I will meet him afterwards. The visit is fine. In fact I have a pleasant conversation with the hygienist after she compliments my tote bag, which I made. She enjoys crafting, and we chat happily about it all. Then the dentist comes in. He checks my teeth and all that, then out of nowhere starts telling me how important it is to get out without the kids. ??? Where did this come from? I hadn't said a word other than I spend my time chasing my kids around. He looked at me, and said, "You look tired. Take care of yourself." Whoa!

The rest of the day kind of goes. DS was outside on his tricycle about 45 minutes before we had to go pick up DD from school. He asked to go to the end of the road to an area we call the dirt hills. I told him we didn't have time, and he throws a mini-fit, indicating to me that he is ready to nap. I get us in the car and drive. He does not go to sleep. @#$%! I drive and drive and nothing. I finally take us to a nearby store, and we walk around for a while. Then we drive some more, until it's finally time to get DD. Everything is well, and the afternoon/evening goes pretty smoothly. The time for my evening "break" comes around again, and I head downstairs. Within a couple of minutes, I hear DD screaming and crying. My heart sinks. I understand what is happening but it still makes me feel sad. She is tired. Exhausted. She has not had the relaxing weekend she needed to regroup, and she's just reached her limit. She is at the door of the basement insisting that she needs me. DH protects my alone time any way he can, and the tension quickly rises to a fever pitch. After a while, the noise settles down. But I am sad. And tired. And done.

Bed time comes, and DD informs me that she may not be able to sleep again. We talk about it for a bit. But I'm irritated. I can't help it. Her anxiety results in my being kept on a very short leash, and I am quite protective of the little time that I do get to myself. And this new "thing" is compromising some of that. After some while, she does fall asleep. (I sat near the kids this time, NOT between them as usual, and had my pillow out of the way BEFORE DD went to sleep!! I was able to very quietly get myself out of the room. Phew!

Then I get downstairs and DH is in a lousy mood. He is cursing the difficulty he has in putting a lunch together for DD, who is so picky there really is very little she will agree to eat. I agree to do it, and he heads to the couch. I put together a lunch, and after some while, finally land on the couch. DH and I actually get a little time to watch part of movie, and I head to bed.

And so it's Tuesday. Onward we go. DD asks me daily to promise that I won't leave the house during my "break." She asks me nightly to promise that I won't leave the house while she's sleeping. She insists on getting out of bed when I do, even though she is still tired, and could sleep for another half-hour. She usually falls back to sleep on the couch. She asked me this morning if I had any doctor or dentist appointments. And so forth.

Thanks for listening.

Inward

On the top of my blog, in my blurb, I mention that I find the world to be abrasive. When they were handing out bumpers, I must have been in the rest room. So things that would not bother most people, or not bother them much, get through to me, and hurt. Now I have lived with me for a long time. When you get bumped enough, you start to hold your hands out to ward off some of the incoming -whatever-. I have developed ways of managing. But I will always be me, and stuff still gets through.

When I started this blog, I began my mission to find ways to feel better. To find natural ways to take care of myself, and my family. And it has been helpful. Really. I am feeling a whole lot better, in general, than I was back then. It's a process.... but I stop and compare every now and then, and I'm much closer to being the balanced me I have been striving for. And there is no finish line. It's a lifestyle, and I'm happy with the direction I am taking. It's not just my physical self (or that of my kids,) it's my mental well-being, my sense of self.

I have always been someone who takes on the mood of the room. I learned a valuable lesson from a smart lady about 10 years ago. She said, "Don't ride the roller coaster." (Perhaps the smart lady will see and recognize this statement!) It applied to the situation at the time, but it has lasted me all this time, and I've said it in my head a thousand times. It means regardless of what is happening around you, take a step back and keep your head. Basically. And it works! If I really put my mind to it, that is.

So here I am in my current situation, applying it as needed. And that means finding ways to make myself happy, even when things are chaotic and less than stellar in my little corner of the world.

So inward I go. I mentally separate myself. Instead of seeking out people who will change my mood for me, I'm finding ways of doing so myself. This may seem obvious to many, maybe even most, but for someone like me, it's work. And it does help. But I have to remind myself to do it. It does not come naturally.

I was going to give examples here, but I keep erasing. I guess this is all I have to say about this for now!

This is not quite the post I wanted it to be, but I'm posting it anyway. Maybe I'll wrap my head around it and formulate some real thoughts, and maybe I won't. Whaddevah.

Just Stuff

It is that time of year in this area of the world for all of the S.A.D types, like me, to start getting out in the light. Yeah, I get seasonal affective disorder, which for me usually means feeling agitated for no reason, lasting for about a week. I have come to find that if I walk most days for about 15 minutes, I can go the entire season without this weird physical reaction to the lack of outdoor time and light. But I've run into a snag. My children freak out if I leave them. Even if it means going around the stupid block for a walk. So here I sit in the basement of my house, in a room with no windows. Not a good solution to my impending jitters. And it's gonna be a bad one this year, if my instinct is on. I feel it. I have been blue anyway, a result of the stress that comes with being a full time me to a bunch of people and animals, two of whom have anxiety issues of their own. Sigh. So. The trick is to achieve what I need while balancing and managing what they all need, or think they need, too. I did, in fact, get outside today. We had friends over, and spent some time in the back yard. So that counts. Exercise? No. But that will have to be done at another time. hm. Ok, so involve the kids in that, too, somehow. DD would love to go to the YMCA. DS? Not so much. Go without him? Not likely. He's in his own little panic-mode at the moment. Hard to move these days. I feel strongly that taking DS to school for two days had a terrible effect on him, even though I was there in the next room. He hated it. Today at a library program he charged into the fray, as is his style, but after a couple of minutes, looked for me in a mini-panic. He again charged into the situation, but a couple of minutes later needed to check in with me. He was never like this before school. Oh, and he has not attempted the bathroom a single time since school, something he was doing on his own once every couple of days before then. So my needs, whatever they be at any given time, need to be snuck in there with the needs of the others. I can do this.

As I write this, my kids are yelling down to me. They know my "break" ends in the next couple of minutes. I can be in the basement, but not outside.

I'm tired of the things that have brought me some meaning in the last months. I get so excited to list something in my Etsy shop, and become so disappointed when there is little to no interest in what I make. Then I wonder why I bother with it. Because it's fun, in a way. But the let down is not fun. So instead of creating and piling up all these random things that sit in my sewing room collecting dust, I need to refocus my efforts. I love to sew.  But I want to sew for my family. And that's it. Subject to change without notice! But really. Why bother with the rest of it? It's just frustrating.

My break has ended. I need to stop here. I'll post, because I don't know if I'll remember to or want to continue with this mind-stream.

Another mood for another day. Bye.

Chattering Teeth... (First Day of School Tomorrow.....)

The countdown to the first day at DD's new school has started, and I am anxious! I am trying to act cool as a cucumber, because I want to model a "no big deal" attitude for my poor anxious daughter. To be fair, she hasn't entered panic-mode at all so far. She has done a really (really, really!) good job of focusing on aspects of school without seeming to be freaked out too much. For example, she has bought these two fish, which will go into the classroom fish tank. She feeds and changes their water every day (just a little, fish fanatics, because there is no filter and it's kinda murky) and talks to them. But she has NOT named "her" fish, which is interesting. Each of my kids picked one fish, so DS got to name "his" fish, which he named after one of the cats! =) I asked DD if she would prefer to bring the fish on the second day of school because she will be bringing a lot of stuff with her tomorrow. But no, she prefers to bring them tomorrow, and says she's going to carry them, which gives me some hope...... but I am not fooled by it all. I have seen DD get all the way to school cool as the afore mentioned cuke, then freak with panic once we're in the room. So ....

I know that drop-off will be challenging, and I am prepared to give her a quick pep-talk on the way to school, then drive off when she is collected. (The teachers collect the students from their cars!) I have been preparing for this for months in my head! (Sick, I know) I am a bit worried that I"ll forget something. This child has to bring the usual school supply "list" of stuff. Plus shoes that are just for the classroom. Plus clean gym shoes. Plus a placemat/napkin/napkin ring. Plus her lunch and snack. Plus a change of clothing. Plus a plant. Plus the fish. Yikes! Today I started a list, and tonight I plan to get every possible thing packed and in the car. Last year I forgot her lunch on the FIRST day. Sh*t!!

After drop-off, I then plan to zip over to the Y, which is right in the same complex, and pick up a fitness schedule. Then it's home, to relieve hubby, who will be watching DS. I shall most likely be in a total state of high alert for the duration of the school day. But I will need to be mommy to DS, and that means finding something fun to do, as he will not have DD to entertain him for SIX and a half hours. Gads.

I am grateful that hubby will be here in the morning to help me get through it all.

Tonight I plan to take one of DD's old t-shirts and iron on a picture of her kitty cats. I promised her we'd do this, and it simply hasn't come to be. She did pick two photos today, one of each of them. So I will print those out and put them on a shirt for tomorrow. I am hopeful that people will ask her about them, and she can enter into one of her comfort zones. (What would we do without those cats?!?!)

I feel that DD has come far enough in her self-confidence that she will get through and past this without serious consequences. I hope I am right about that! She does like people a lot, and does like attention. I am hoping that is enough these days to pull her through. It's like a cat who is timidly hiding behind a bookcase, but just can't stand to ignore the string that is being jiggled around just a little bit away. DD's need to connect with people draws her out. She's just got to get over that hump. That anticipation which can cause her to see so many situations as being dangerous and terrifying.

C'mon Montessori, do your magic!!! And as for me, I will be relying on some time outdoors in nature to soothe my weary and nervous spirit. We won't go too far. But I think some time outdoors is key.

Forward, march.

Holistic Health Management - Another Attempt At Finding a Guide

I am trying to restore my health, physical and emotional, through natural means. I am fairly new to it, and am hoping to find someone to help guide me. I tried the Natural Health Improvement Center in a nearby town, and after finding myself "detoxing" with strong stomach discomfort without knowledge of what was going on and what the goals for me were, I decided that it was not for me! But I'm feeling tired and crummy and tense and down and in the need of serious recharging. While some of the ways of achieving that are pretty obvious, others are not so clear to me, and so.

Yesterday I went to a center in town which houses a large number of holistic practitioners with many different areas of expertise. The one I sought out is a woman who, among other things, practices acupuncture and Chinese medicine. I looked her up after several people, from Holistic Moms Network and other places, recommended Chinese medicine as a good approach to seeking good health through holistic means. And I really would like someone who is knowledgeable in the areas of health management that I am interested in and am currently using to help guide me in my efforts.

The woman I met with is knowledgeable in acupuncture (which I've never had,) Chinese herbs (no experience here either,) movement (yoga and another I can never remember the name of. I have done yoga many times and love it) aromatherapy (I have been dabbling with essential oils for a few months now) and Eastern nutrition (whatever that is.)

For starters, I have to tell you that I was with this woman for 2 1/2 hours. She was thorough. I started by completing paperwork, which took a while. Health history and whatnot. I sat in the hallway in an upholstered chair with muted colors all around, and soft music. She then took the paperwork, left me in the hall, and went over the paperwork by herself. We then talked about what she does, and she drew me some diagrams of basic Chinese medicine principles. (I couldn't reproduce that for you if I tried, but maybe I can find a good link...) She talked about yin and yang (which she pronounced yong) and the seasons, and the body. She seemed to think that most of my complains were in two general, related areas. She then did a demonstration of acupuncture on herself, then treated me. Acupuncture was about what I expected. I really didn't feel anything other that some localized itching around two of the needles. She explained that the itching is due to "heat" coming out, or through, or something. She then jabbed another needle in one of my toes (ouch!) which took the itching away. :/ Anyhow, I don't know about anything else, but it WAS nice to just lie there and think my thoughts for a while!

She informed me that she will begin with Eastern nutrition, then as we meet over time, she'll introduce other areas of interest. She looked at my tongue (?) and told me that I need more fluid, in the form of water and vegetables (veggies, she explained, are like a time-release water source) She asked me to keep a food journal, keeping careful note of the time I eat things. She asked me to note any changes in myself, in any aspect of my being. And she informed me that future meetings, which would initially be twice a month, would be for about 1.25 hours each. I have to say that appeals to me, for the break from my reality it will give me!

And she sent me on my way. So..... so far so good I guess. She is going to help me with essential oils, and informed me that from a Chinese medicine perspective, the oils are very strong, and should be used sparingly. She said that rather than use them daily, they might, for example, be used three times a week for two weeks, then take 2-3 weeks off. Interesting.

I look forward to learning about the movement.

Infinity/Convertible Dress - Sewing Tutorial

I found a free online tutorial for a dress. Now, I am not a dress wearer. It is truly a rare occasion. I do enjoy wearing skirts when I"m in the mood, but even that is not frequently. But after reading this tutorial, I couldn't keep myself from making one. I don't know why. It just pulled at me for some reason. So before I could talk myself out of it, I ordered a whole bunch of fabric online. Now I was committed!

First things first, let me give credit where credit is due. Here is the link to the tutorial I followed: Infinity Dress Tutorial

I then found a blog which also covers this tutorial, with some additional helpful information thrown in: Blog of Tutorial

Here is a picture of the dress I made in ONE hour!

And here's how you do it!

Find yourself some nice, stretchy fabric. At least 40% stretch is recommended.

You will need four pieces to make this dress. A circle for the skirt, two loooooong pieces for the straps, and a strip for the waist band.

Circle: Measure your waist and divide this number by 6.28. (Read about it in the original tute) Now determine the length you want the skirt part to be. Add the two numbers. Now create a pattern piece for your skirt. You will probably need to create a half circle pattern piece, then either fold your fabric double to create a circle, or cut two half-circles (if you are tall or have fabric that is not wide enough) and sew them together. So.... make one of these:

The small cut out is the waist of your skirt. Take the first measurement number you came up with, your waist measurement divided by 6.28. Using a string the same length as that number and a pen(cil), draw an arc. Then measure another string the length of your skirt PLUS the number you came up with for the waist. Measure from the same starting point on the material (which, by the way, can be interfacing, poster board, cardboard, whatever you can come up with!) and draw another arc. Cut on both lines, and you will have created the pattern piece for your skirt. 

(Questions?)

Straps: You will want the pieces to be 1 1/2 times your height (yeah, really!) The width will be the measurement from the middle of your rib cage to beneath your under arm. Yep, these are LONG pieces.

Waistband: The waistband should be about 2" long by the measurement of your waist. You'll want to measure it so that the stretchiest direction of the fabric goes around your waist. Know what I mean?

Ok. Now lay the skirt piece with the WRONG side UP. You'll be stitching on the inside. You will lay your two strap pieces with RIGHT sides UP. Overlap the strap pieces on one end by about 3-4". The raw edges of the straps will go right up against the raw edge of the waist. 

Now, take the waist band piece and fold it in half lengthwise. This part has confused a lot of people, so please take note. The waist band will not be seen when the dress is completed. It is stitched to the INSIDE of the waist, mostly for structural integrity. This part might seem odd, but it works. Have faith! Starting where the two straps overlap, place the raw edges of the waistband piece along with the raw edges of the waist and strap edges. You will have five layers of fabric at the starting point. Stitch the waist band all the way around the waist, overlap just a little bit when you get back to your starting point, and finish. 

Flip your dress right side out...

...and try it on! There are a few ways to wrap the straps. Go to the two links above for ideas. 

And now...take a bow!

Paperback Book Swapping

One of the ways I reduce stress and transition from day to night is to read. I have been reading before bed for most of my life. My parents always read before bed, and I took to it so much that it is simply what I do. It is part of the routine. And I love it. It takes me away for a while.

The other day, a friend of mine posted on Facebook about this website called PaperbackSwap. It is a place for people to go to offer and request used books. The books come from members all over the country, who are simply looking to trade. The service is completely free. When someone requests a book from you, you pay for the shipping costs. When you request a book, the sender pays the shipping costs. An added bonus (I LOVE this) is that you can set up an account on the site and print the shipping label at home, even if it's over 13 oz. And the paper with the shipping label on it becomes the wrapper! Too easy.

Anyhow, I think it's great. I have had 3 book requests within the two days I've been a member, and I've requested two. You receive a credit, good for 1 book, after listing 10 that you have for offer, and for each book that you send out. You use one per request. You can also list or request hard cover books and audio books. (audio books "cost" 2 credits.)

Oh, and if you're looking for a book not currently listed by a member, you are placed on a waiting list, and you can see what number you are in line for each book.

It's worth checking out: PAPERBACK BOOK SWAP

GAPS Progress

I have decided to keep a log of my progress with the GAPS diet and how I am feeling. Maybe not so interesting to you, but it will help to keep me motivated and organized with all of this.

Just to add to the mix, I have also started taking B-complex vitamins. I am already taking a probiotic once a day, calcium, vitamin D, multivitamins and fish oil.

Day 1: One slice sprouted grain bread. Not on GAPS, but eaten prior to commitment. Coffee with non-dairy creamer and honey. Canned chicken noodle soup. (also eaten before commitment) hummus and vegetables for lunch. Pork and turnip greens for dinner. Guacamole with veggies for evening snack.

Feeling: I slept very long and well last night. Felt baseline tired. Better than the complete exhaustion I have been feeling.

Day 2: Coffee with creamer and honey. Black beans with seasonings and olive oil. Banana Lunch - asparagus with seasoning, almonds. Oranges. Dinner - hubby loves me! He made a fantastic salad with turkey and swiss cheese, and lots of veggies and a fermented dressing! YUM.

Feeling: DS woke up hungry just after 4am. Went back to sleep with him from about 6am-7:30am. Tired from that. But not feeling miserable. Doing well with diet today. A little bit of energy/enthusiasm. A little. But that's an improvement!

Day 3: Coffee with milk today (ran out of creamer) I hate milk, so I only used a little. I also dislike this honey, bleh. Great way to wean. (ha) Breakfast - left over fabulous salad from last night. Delicious and filling. Mid-morning snack - almonds. Lunch - swiss cheese slices, yogurt (just read that this is contraindicated, whoops), one taste of peanut butter before I realized it had fillers that aren't ok), red grapes. Snack - grapes, cheddar cheese. Dinner - Hubby made GAPS friendly chili. YUM. Feels good to feel full after dinner. I seem to have trouble achieving that during the day now.

Feeling: Started off pretty well. My spirits seem to be rising. I'm actually thinking of some fun stuff we could do today instead of dreading the day. Not bounding with enthusiasm, but not hating my fate, either. Progress. Day filled with friends = fun and good spirits all around. I'm starting to get that hungry feeling that comes with any diet. I hate that. But hubby is bringing home more nuts and nibbles. Hope it helps. Bonus: the kids eat more healthy snacks as a result of this diet. Getting weird periodic BO every day for the last 3 or 4 days. It happened once before several days ago. Doesn't seem to be due to heat or anxiety. Part of my imbalance. Embarrassing. Comes and goes seemingly randomly.

Day 4: Breakfast - Coffee, canned chicken (supposed to be fresh or frozen,,,,babysteps!) with celery and a little fermented dressing, almonds, melon. Lunch - seasoned white navy beans and canned beets (supposed to be fresh or frozen, oh well) A small square of cheese, unknown type. I am full, and so happy to be!

Feeling: Hungry. Tired today, but a more normal SAHP tired. DS has been sleeping restlessly. He has a tendency to not want to eat at dinner time, so he wakes up hungry during the very early morning. Hubby really pushed him to eat last night, so he slept better, but was up before 7am after conking out a little early after having no nap yesterday. Feeling that I need a break from the kids. =( Feeling quite a bit better after eating lunch. I am full, and my mood is a bit better. Still don't feel like tackling the world, but I'm WILLING to. Ended up spending hours outside at a park, which was great. Need to do more of that. Still very tired coming home, but pleased with the day. BO again... weird. But the bloating I was getting after eating anything before GAPS has not returned at all.

Day 5: Breakfast - coffee, small amount of scrambled eggs. Seasoned navy beans with cheddar cheese. Lunch - swiss cheese (quite a bit), almonds Dinner - take-out BBQ. I ate various meats and collard greens.

Feeling: Sluggish start. DD not feeling well. Another day inside. Sighs. I am feeling very grateful for my husband. He has been so helpful with this diet! He is cooking GAPS friendly meals for me every night. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I am feeling conflicted about whether to stick with the diet on our vacation next week or not. He responded immediately that there would be many options for me, and that if it would help, he would follow the diet with me as well. Wow! I really went from feeling like I might forget the diet for the week, to feeling regained confidence that I should stick with it. Thank you hubby! =) Spent the afternoon in the house while DD watched tv, then fell asleep. Feeling content.

Day 6: Breakfast - Coffee w/creamer and honey, navy beans, cheddar cheese, fermented dressing. Some banana. Content. Lunch - Subway sub without the bread! Basically a salad, with turkey, cheese, and tons of veggies, including hot peppers. Yummy. Didn't use dressing. Snack - swiss cheese Very full. Dinner - King crab! with butter. asparagus

Feeling: Frenzied. Kids are very needy this a.m. Crisis cleaning for DD's guest. Tired, even after conking out very early with the kids. Pretty good day. Needy DD, but happy with a play date. Got out for an hour by myself - most lovely. I think I'm gaining weight!

Day 7: Breakfast - Coffee (read the GAPS foods list a little more carefully yesterday and realized that coffee is on the list!!! It's supposed to be weak, but hey, it's on there!!! So it's only the creamer that is a no-no.) Seasoned navy beans with cheddar cheese. Lunch - more beans, canned chicken, a little fermented dressing. It was at lunch today that I started to add hubby's bone broth (beef) to my food. I tried drinking it but didn't prefer it that way. Snack - bananas and peanut butter. Dinner - a huge pile of string beans, corn with butter, salad with cheese added and fermented dressing. Bone broth in there, too. Just getting small amounts now. I'll have to get used to it. It's good, just bland. Better mixed in. Evening snack - melon

Feeling: Not bad. I actually got up before the rest of the family and had a few (very few, but I'll take it!) minutes to myself. I hate Mondays in general, and always start the week off with a deep sigh, but all things considered, I feel pretty good. Spend the morning at the park. Kids were happy - me too. Home to watch a movie, put the kids in the tub, and basically hung out. Pretty content. Mood has been unusually positive today. (for lately. I am a positive person, just not lately.)

Day 8: Breakfast - coffee, a coupla pistachios, chick peas (can I have that? Shoot...I think not maybe. Only had one bite) Nope, threw it out! Try again. Nuts, cheese. Blah. Lunch - lettuce mix, swiss cheese, bone broth, fermented dressing. Tired of the dressing flavor now. Need a break from it. Very surprising how full I am after one bowl of salad with no veggies added! I was hungry, too. The fullness was more like bloating, which lasted a while, then went away. Weird! Snack - popcorn with butter and salt Dinner - Chicken Tangene (chicken, onion, olive oil, garlic, cinnamon, ginger, olives, pepper) polenta (just looked on the foods list for corn, I"m not supposed to be eating it! I've been eating corn on the cob, popcorn and now polenta. SHOOT! =( lentils, (beef stock, curry powder) Very good, filling meal. Wish I'd realized about the corn.

Feeling: Tired, blah. Kids being basically good, but resistant to getting out. Annoying. Got out, kids happy. I felt better being out, too. Kids were very good at grocery store. Kinda blah, but doing ok. Afternoon inside, which is ok. Slowly getting things done. Tired. We ended up spending the afternoon in. The kids watched a lot of tv. Still kinda tired.

Day 9: Breakfast - coffee. Seasoned lentils. Lunch - canned chicken, seasoned lentils, bone broth, hot sauce. Hated it, threw most of it out. Pineapple. Snack - swiss cheese, celery with peanut butter.

Feeling: Tired. I had trouble falling asleep, which is very unusual for me these days! Weird. Also, lots of my "symptoms" presenting this morning. Itchy scalp, bloated feeling after supplements, carpal tunnel flare up. Into the afternoon, tired and bored of the summer (non) routine. Kids, too. Went out for a bit. Stomach so empty it hurt. Had a snack upon return. Stomach bloated and uncomfortable, don't feel full. Not a happy body today. Not a happy mood today, either.

Day 10: Breakfast - Coffee, banana, swiss cheese. Lunch - seasoned black beans (not on good foods list OR bad foods list, so I'm eatin' 'em!) kiwi, seasoned asparagus. A bit of pear. Left over coffee from this a.m. Happy with my lunch. Snack - swiss cheese, peanut butter Dinner - salad with veggies and dressing. Peanut butter. Blah. Tired of this diet.

Feeling: Worn down, the usual. But getting excited for our trip. Nice to feel excited about anything. Belly has been feeling a little weird. Hungry, then overly full after I eat. Not enjoying that aspect of this. But I feed myself better at some meals than others, too. Mood is fair - pretty good. Evening - a little irritable, just want to be home. Getting annoyed with the diet. Unsatisfied.

Day 11: Breakfast - left-over salad. Lunch - canned chicken with onion, pepper and peas. Good.

Feeling: Mixed. I slept long last night. I'm always tired and I am today. Lots to do today...feeling excited for trip but I HATE packing. Ok with diet today so far. While the weird random body odor has seemed to stay away for a day or two, I am getting hot flashes! Could it be? Or is it PMS? Sighs.

I quit the diet. I miss carbs. I don't feel any more awake or any less symptomatic, and I'm going on a cruise in two days, and I don't want to be on a diet while cruising. If I really felt it was making any kind of difference, I would be motivated, but I don't, and I want to enjoy myself while on vacation. If that seems like a cop-out, I'm sorry. But I feel good about it. The only difference I felt was the addition of hunger pangs to all of my other *stuff* and that sucked. Anyhow, that's the deal. Cheers! (raising my NON-GAPS bottle-o-booze!!)

Adrenal Fatigue

I have been searching for the reason(s) that I am so tired, some times down, and have a general lack of energy. One concept keeps popping up: Adrenal Fatigue.

This concept was first suggested to me by a couple of the members of the Holistic Moms Network. In a nutshell, the idea is that being a stay-home parent and being "on" ALL the time puts a tremendous amount of strain on the adrenal glands. Meeting the demands of every member of the family, plus all of the other responsibilities that come along with the job basically puts the body in "alert" mode all the time, with little time to recharge. Over time, the adrenals basically burn out. One of women that I communicated with about this from HMN blogged about her experience HERE. It pretty closely explains where I am.

Then today I did a Google search with this in the search box: "exhausted, down, no energy." One of the results was a website which caught my eye. It is called NaturalNews.com and the article is called: The hidden dangers of caffeine: How coffee causes exhaustion, fatigue and addiction It basically says exactly the same thing, only the culprit is caffeine. Caffeine causes ups and downs (we all know this, we drink it for that up!!) and when the "down" comes, often time we reach for more coffee or other stimulant to bring us back up. The result is the same, the body is given that fightfightfight signal constantly. Eventually the adrenal glands get fatigued and worn out. 

Both of these situations cause exhaustion, fatigue, lack of energy, depression, and so forth. 

And so, here I am, a stay-home parent who is "on" all the time, and who has been drinking coffee every morning (and sometimes afternoon) for years. Such an easy thing to test. Reduce the caffeine and find ways to unwind. Ok, so it's not easy. But it's something I can try on my own, and it could make a huge difference. 

Along with the B-complex vitamins I just got! ;)

Natural Yeast Infection Remedies

I recently gave a shout out to the Holistic Moms Network email loop regarding natural remedies and comfort measures for feminine yeast issues. As is always the case, I was and am overwhelmed and thrilled with the number and depth of the replies I have received. I know that many out there could benefit from this information, so I would like to share it. This is information only. I have yet to try most of them out.

+ Yogurt. Several replies I received from the group suggested plain yogurt containing live cultures as a cure and soothing measure. Use as a "wash." Can combine with baking soda. Here's one source of info: LINK

+Take Probiotics. Mentioned several times. High quality probiotic recommended. If taking one and getting infections, try changing to a different probiotic. One suggested a more "potent" brand with more "strains."

+ Baking Soda. Unclear as to how this is used. Can be drying - use sparingly. Can combine with yogurt for external wash.

+ Vinegar. Mentioned a couple of times. Dilute as it can sting. One suggested apple cider vinegar specifically. This is allegedly helpful if the issue is bacterial. Can be used in the bath.

+ Alkaline Water. (Water with lemon) Aren't lemons acidic?? Anyhow, this was suggested. I also read that keeping the body slightly alkaline helps, as acidity can cause all sorts of issues. I would suggest doing an internet search on ways to achieve this. There are diets out there that promote this concept.

+ Hydrogen Peroxide. Dilute as it can sting. Increase H2o2 as conditions improve. Use internally.

+Stay Away From: Simple sugars (mentioned by several people) and citrus. White sugar, flour, rice, any refined sugars.

+ Body Ecology Diet. Suggested if the issue is ongoing. Internet search will bring up info. on this diet. I have read some about it.

+ Understand What You Are Dealing With. Is it bacteria or yeast? They can present in the same way.

+ Sachromyces. Apparently this is a yeast that eats other yeasts. It came highly recommended by one person, who says it can be bought in health food stores. I will do more research on this and report back.

+ Tea Tree Essential Oil. I have read different accounts of how to use tea tree. Some say a few drops on a tampon works. Others say it must be diluted with a carrier oil first, then applied to the tampon. One woman from the list says that tea tree worked for her again and again, but then she developed tea tree resistant strains.

+ Diva Cup. Yeast infections are allegedly a common issue with users of the Diva Cup.

+ Vitamin D. One woman suggested that deficiency in vitamin D can contribute to yeast infections.

+ Men. Men can get yeast infections also. If a woman is getting them, her man may be, too.

+ Garlic. I've read accounts of it being used both on the inside and eaten for benefits. On the inside, either place a clove whole or minced into some cheese cloth and insert. I'll need to look up the length of time it stays. I don't recall. But one person suggested overnight. Don't forget some dental floss or something to tie it and for easy removal.

+ Milk Thistle Glycerite/ Dandelion Glycerite. I have no idea, at this point, what these are, but they are allegedly good liver support. It seems that conventional medications for yeast infections can be hard on the liver.

+ Honey. Messy, this one! Plan to bathe afterwards. External.

I will be doing some more research in this area, but this is what I have at this point. I hope it's helpful. If any of you would like more info in any particular area, let me know. I'm happy to start there. Here is a neat website with a number of different  natural approaches to curing/managing yeast infections: LINK

Tired of Feeling Tired

I am tired all the time. All the time! And there are life reasons. I have 2 kids, and I am home with them all the time. In fact, I am rarely away from my children. That is reason enough to be tired all the time! But not really. I eat fairly well (I do eat junk, but both my husband and I cook, and make healthy meals) and I've been exercising more in recent weeks. And when I sleep, I sleep hard. Now granted, I don't sleep as much as my body would like. I compensate for a looooong day of parenting by staying up later than my body would prefer. So I sacrifice a little sleep for some down time. Some desperately needed and wanted down time! But there are nights I am SO tired that I can't make it through my kids bedtime, and I conk out with them. I am TIRED! And I would like to get some energy back.

I feel that while there are probably several things I could do right now that would help, the one I feel I can change right now is diet. I did some research tonight on fatigue, gluten and eczema.

In recent weeks I have had some long hoped for success with improving the condition of my skin. I have attributed this to my recent switch from steroid cream to Bergamot essential oil. And perhaps it deserves all of the credit. But I have also started taking fish oil (omega-3) supplements in recent weeks, and probiotics in recent months. These things could be making a difference too. And a brief reduction in gluten and dairy occurred as well, but I didn't stick with it for very long. So some part of this, or a combination of all of it, has helped me to improve my skin. But it plateaued again, and I want to see more improvement. So what of this am I not currently doing? The diet thing.

Oh, and after feeling fatigued and irritated for what seemed like forever I started this blog, and after working on a more holistic lifestyle, which included all of the above changes, I started feeling better. Less tired, and much less irritable! But it's coming back. It's coming back.

So I'm at it again. Now I am not going to go crazy over this and erase all gluten and dairy from my life and from the diets of my family members. But I'm going to try really hard to keep them both very low in my diet. And it's hard. I mean, in one sense, it's simple. Eat things that don't have gluten, right? But I'm a grazer, and many times throughout the day I grab a handful of this or that. I don't even think about it as I'm doing it. So today, day 1 of my renewed efforts with diet, I grabbed a handful of goldfish crackers that were out for my daughter. It was down the hatch before it even registered that I had done it. Shoot!! So that is hard for me. But I don't call the day a loss. I have not had much gluten or dairy overall.

I am less tired than I was yesterday. I had a short period of time after lunch when I felt really fatigued, but it was probably just a result of blood working on digestion rather than energy. Overall I feel better. But I am long way from feeling energized and wakeful. At the moment it's just degrees of fatigue! But I'm hopeful that I can make a difference through diet and exercise, and if my skin improves, well, this would become a life change!

But 1 step at a time. I will report back with an update in a while. So hopeful!

It's The Little Things

Little changes in the daily routine can make a big difference in how smoothly the daily routine goes. Little changes can make a big difference in my mood, too!

Examples:

We have had a pretty set evening routine ever since our older child was a baby. Of course we've adjusted that schedule over time, to fit our current needs. But it's always been in place, and it's proven not only to be a necessity, but a comfort. We made a minor adjustment two days ago. See, hubby and I take turns taking breaks every evening. It has been a fantastic thing, and we both look forward to our breaks every day. I take mine (45 min.) shortly after hubby gets home from work. He takes his after dinner, when the kids and I head upstairs to get ready for bed. In recent weeks, getting the kids through what we call their "list" (pjs and teeth, washing face/hands, whatever...) has been a bit challenging. The kids are rambucteous (sp??) before bed, which is fine. But it got to be quite a challenge to get our daughter to change her clothes. And god forbid she help. She just runs! Argh. And then our son has developed this new war against toothbrushing. Double argh! So hubby has been coming up to help. Of course this means that his break is delayed, which is not idea. And dear daughter puts up resistance and refuses to let him to her list with her. "Mama do it!" (she's 5, but likes to talk like a toddler sometimes) Triple argh! Then it dawned on me. In the past, when managing the children on his own, my husband has pointed out that DD is fine with him, as long as he is the only adult available to her. Once I'm in the picture, she starts in with the "No Papa, Mama do it!" stuff. The answer was in the question. ONE of us needs to do the kids list. If we switch off nights, then it reduces my stress a bit, and the kids won't give him as hard a time. So we started this a couple of nights ago, with good success. Every other night I get 10 minutes to breathe before going up to put the kids to bed. Nice! 10 minutes may seem like nothing, but after a long day, I'll sure take it! Anyhow, it's a little change, and it's making a big difference.

Another example is the talk hubby and I had last night. He and I are cut from the same cloth in a lot of ways. One of them is communication. We don't spend a lot of time talking. It's definitely not his nature, and I'm only chatty with chatty people. So we enjoy spending time together, but doing other stuff, like watching movies. So last night we got to talking about DD's issues with anxieties. Fact is, both hubby and I are shy types who become anxious easily. Just talking about that fact with one another and admitting certain scenarios that were especially difficult for each of us was a relief. We obviously need to work together to help our sweet daughter with her anxiety, and recognizing it in ourselves and each other is an important step. So where communication comes easily and often to some, for us it is a little more work, so when it's good, it's really good. =)

That's it for now!

Passwords Are A Pain In The...

Oh passwords drive me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There has got to be a better way. I am an online kid. My entertainment and escape from my world is the couple of minutes I spend online here and there all day long. So it drives me absolutely crazy when I have to sign in and my password isn't accepted, or I can't remember what it is. Argh! I realize what they are for and why they are important, but man, what a pain. In fact, some of my passwords reflect my sentiments about passwords! Bitter, yes, but it really does cause me a few mood points when I have 1.5 minutes to check something, and in all that time all I get is "wrong username/password combination. Snarl.

General Life Update

My dear daughter: While doing a lot better than this time last week, some anxiety still remains. I'm so glad it's Friday! We've put a few things in place at home, which seem to be helping. We're getting up 15 minutes earlier in the morning. What a difference a few minutes makes - for ME! The kids benefit from a more relaxed me, and enjoy a slightly less frenetic pace in the morning. DD and I make a plan every day regarding her school bathroom anxiety. And we're ending nearly every day with a lavender bath.

Cats: The kittens had their first vet visit today, just to make sure they're doing alright. They are both healthy. 2 lbs each! =) They got their first shots and worm medication (precautionary-they tested negative). They're doing great.

Worms: I am hoping to put the wormies in their new, and vastly improved, home today.

Skin: My eczema is well under control using bergamot essential oil. Yeah!

DS's skin: Excellent. Hardly ever needs special attention anymore. Yippee!

Going to ride on Thomas the Tank Engine tomorrow. Can't wait for school to be over!

Selective Mutism

My daughter is having a tough time at school at the moment. Mostly at school. I wrote about it recently: Peace in Patterns?

This morning I received an email from my daughter's kindergarten teacher:

Just wanted to let you know how much (Dear Daughter) has been in my thoughts this week.  I know she is going through a lot of anxiety and you must be too!  If you want to talk, let me know.

Also, I am attaching a website for you to look at.  I am not an expert, but I think that many of (DD's) behaviors fit the profile of selective mutism.  I thought you might want to look at it.  I am always an advocate for too much information rather than not enough. 


(Signed DD's teacher)


She included this link.


I was floored. Not only did this "diagnosis" basically describe my daughter to a T, but it also described ME! Well! I'm floored. I immediately told dear hubby about it, and sent him the link. Basically, in a nutshell, it describes a child who, in certain situations, becomes so anxious, he/she literally cannot speak. The fear of the situation is all consuming. That's us. That's US! I dealt with that fear all the way through school, including college. And now it's affecting her, too. Wow.


I encourage anyone interested to go to the link above. It's a lot to read, but it's fascinating. And being one who is totally intensely shy in certain situations, I especially appreciated the emphasized point that in treatment, the child is not to be forced to speak! The emphasis is on making the child feel comfortable and understood. It emphasized that parents and teachers should support the child in every situation, and praise him/her for what he/she is able to do, when the timing is right. 


Yes, the treatment suggestions include therapy and maybe medicine, which I'm not crazy about, but I understand that it could be helpful in some ways. 


Regardless, I am excited to know more about this "diagnosis" and to know what we can do to help DD manage her anxiety. If I can learn how to manage mine at the same time, double bonus. But I have created a mostly low-stress environment around myself, so my need is not acute. 


But she's got years and years of scary school/other situations to face, so if we can make that less awful, well, let's do it. 


THANKS S!!