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How to: sew a bento bag
6 years ago
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Friday, October 7, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Experiment In Parenting - A Montessori Approach
A couple of minutes ago, the Head of School for my daughter's Montessori school sent around the link to a YouTube video on one person's view of the comparison between traditional education and Montessori education. Whenever I see something like this, I think about how much Montessori education has meant to us as a family. My daughter spent her first year at Montessori last year, and being a child with anxiety issues which effect everything that she does, we were and are stunned by the changes that have occurred over the year. I give most of this credit to her. She has grown so much, and has taken on the challenges the anxiety presents to her with incredible strength and perseverance. But I also credit the school, the Montessori method, and her wonderful teacher. So much so that I have made it my mission to do as much as I can to help the school grow and flourish, so that it is available to her, to us, for as long as possible.
But I also compare the Montessori method of teaching to my parenting style, and vow to make changes. Then life happens, I make much smaller changes than I intend on, and life continues as is.
So today I am going to vow, again, to make some changes at home, that loosely reflect the Montessori method at school. Here are my thoughts.
First of all, I am going to ask the children to take on more of the responsibilities for making the house run smoothly. I started to do a little of this. Such as occasionally asking them to set the table. More frequently, asking them to bring their dishes to the sink. When I am with them at pj time, sometimes, I set the pjs in front of them, and ask them to get themselves changed, rather than doing it for them. I am going to try to be more consistent with this, and have it become part of the routine. I also plan to ask the children to complete one load of laundry every Saturday, from washing through putting them away. This will have the added (sighs) benefit of forcing me to have the dryer empty, and the laundry baskets empty as well!
I have gotten a bit lazy about making the kids, for example, turn the tv off during lunch. I have mixed feelings, and that is obvious because some days I reinforce this rule, and other days, I don't. I find myself feeding my kids sometimes, while they lounge on the couch. Yikes! I am going to try something new: when we are home, I will ask the children to turn off the tv, to set the table, and to help prepare and serve lunch. I don't think it will be a big deal to them. They are pretty easy-going, and I have always found that kids work well with routine.
My daughter works on reading every day, because she is too timid (Selective Mutism) to read out loud at school. I need to figure out how to work the Montessori method into this as well. She hates reading, and it can be a giant struggle getting her to focus. This is a hard one for me to figure out, because Montessori suggests that children should learn at their pace, yet at the same time there is concern that she'll fall behind for her grade level, and that it would be noticeable to her. So I force her to study every day. She'll complain, but then she'll realize she can read something while we're out and about, and she's obviously pleased by that. So .... anyhow, I stick to my guns with that, despite her protests. On the other hand, she loves the workbook work we do, so maybe I should allow her to do just workbook, which does involve some reading. Though that doesn't feel like enough. I don't know. I just want her to be in a place where she feels confident in the classroom, despite her shyness, and that means work at home.
Anyhow, I'll start here, and see how things go.
But I also compare the Montessori method of teaching to my parenting style, and vow to make changes. Then life happens, I make much smaller changes than I intend on, and life continues as is.
So today I am going to vow, again, to make some changes at home, that loosely reflect the Montessori method at school. Here are my thoughts.
First of all, I am going to ask the children to take on more of the responsibilities for making the house run smoothly. I started to do a little of this. Such as occasionally asking them to set the table. More frequently, asking them to bring their dishes to the sink. When I am with them at pj time, sometimes, I set the pjs in front of them, and ask them to get themselves changed, rather than doing it for them. I am going to try to be more consistent with this, and have it become part of the routine. I also plan to ask the children to complete one load of laundry every Saturday, from washing through putting them away. This will have the added (sighs) benefit of forcing me to have the dryer empty, and the laundry baskets empty as well!
I have gotten a bit lazy about making the kids, for example, turn the tv off during lunch. I have mixed feelings, and that is obvious because some days I reinforce this rule, and other days, I don't. I find myself feeding my kids sometimes, while they lounge on the couch. Yikes! I am going to try something new: when we are home, I will ask the children to turn off the tv, to set the table, and to help prepare and serve lunch. I don't think it will be a big deal to them. They are pretty easy-going, and I have always found that kids work well with routine.
My daughter works on reading every day, because she is too timid (Selective Mutism) to read out loud at school. I need to figure out how to work the Montessori method into this as well. She hates reading, and it can be a giant struggle getting her to focus. This is a hard one for me to figure out, because Montessori suggests that children should learn at their pace, yet at the same time there is concern that she'll fall behind for her grade level, and that it would be noticeable to her. So I force her to study every day. She'll complain, but then she'll realize she can read something while we're out and about, and she's obviously pleased by that. So .... anyhow, I stick to my guns with that, despite her protests. On the other hand, she loves the workbook work we do, so maybe I should allow her to do just workbook, which does involve some reading. Though that doesn't feel like enough. I don't know. I just want her to be in a place where she feels confident in the classroom, despite her shyness, and that means work at home.
Anyhow, I'll start here, and see how things go.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Hills and Valleys (child anxiety)
It is proving to be a challenging week. And it's only Tuesday.
Last week, like any, came with it's ups and downs, but everyone worked hard, and did his and her best. As everyone does, we all faced some challenges, and we all found ways to recharge. My daughter managed this along with the rest of us. She faces life with an undiagnosed anxiety (disorder? condition?) whatever, so her ups are often a little more up than the rest of us, and her downs can be a bit more down. Not a problem, it can just take her a little bit more time and proper conditions to come back to her baseline.
By Friday, we were all ready to be done for the week. DD verbalized that she didn't want to go to school. She said that while she likes school, "I just like you better, Mama." Her way of saying she's pooped and needs to rest. I gently encouraged her to face the day the best she could, try to be in the moment, and go easy on herself. I told her I couldn't wait to come pick her up, and I meant it. The attachment parent in me wanted to keep her home. The anxiety built in to me knows that I needed her to spend some time at school in order for me to recharge. Because I was anxious.
We had planned for a couple of weeks to go to my father's for the weekend. I had decided to go on Saturday, and return on Sunday. This sets my nerves on end in several ways. For one thing, I would be traveling with the kids on my own. I have done so countless times before, but it's always a little anxiety producing. And then there was the packing. I am a lousy packer. I am disorganized by nature, and find the idea of creating a small amount of core items out of a giant mess of a house very intimidating. And I tend to forget something each time, so I worry about that. And I try to do all of that while entertaining a 2-year-old. So I walk in circles all day feeling frustrated. Add to that the fact that DH has been a tense mess and is looking SO forward to us going away, so he can have some recharge time for himself. So when, three days ahead of departure day, I develop a headache (unusual for me) and DD complains of a "thick throat" I start to wonder if we are coming down with something that will necessitate a change of plans. I worry much more about the absolute crushing disappointment DH will display at even the slight suggestion that we MIGHT stay home, than the possible illness itself. Then there is the typical and anticipated transition anxiety that DD experiences with any change in routine. And on top of that, the more recently and most likely short-lasting phase that DS is going through, where he begs me not to take him anywhere. And this is what I was carrying as the week wore on last week.
After about 2.5 days, my headache, which was only minor, and somehow sinus related, went away. DD did not complain about her throat after the one morning. We were on for the trip. Friday I dropped an exhausted (school-exhausted, if you know what I mean) DD off at school, and headed home to pack. DS started in with his statements that he didn't want to go. DH had decided to come home early to help. He helped DS get some things together, and when DD came home, he helped her to pack. I managed the rest.
Saturday morning, and DS is in full-blown toddler-mode. He does NOT want to go! I do no know what to do. DH is starting to get upset. DD is just looking at me saying, "So, are we going?" As DH gets progressively upset and angry, I decide that I am going, come hell or high tantrum, because I'm pissed at DH. I bring all of our stuff to the door, he packs it in the car, and we're ready to head out. I, in a rare moment, express my feelings at DH, and we are now having an argument. Over the roof of the car we agree to talk about things later, and we leave.
Three hours later, the kids and I are in NJ. DS had quickly turned his upset to anticipation (attaboy!) and the kids were happy to be there. My father started the list of "things we could do" and I suggested that maybe our visit was short enough this time that just being there was enough.
We end up outside, playing, which the kids love. This fall they have fallen in love with the idea of jumping in his leaf piles in the front yard. I stand near the road, and watch. Suddenly, my daughter approaches me and says, calmly, that something had poked into her leg. One second later she is screaming. She has realized that she has been stung by a bee, and it's still there. My father materializes at this point, and wipes the bee away. DD is hysterical. I get her inside, and over the coarse of about five minutes, manage to convince her to get her pants off so we can look at the sting. Over the next 30 minutes, with a constant minute of screaming, minute of calm, minute of screaming, minute of calm (repeat) I manage to look up bee stings on my computer and take care of things. We have managed to get upstairs to our bedroom, and after a few minutes, DD informs me that she is hungry. I go downstairs to make sandwiches, and my father comments that the kids don't eat at meals but eat when they want. The rest of the day is fairly uneventful, though my daughter periodically feels she cannot walk, which means hauling her down narrow spiral stairs.
The next day is a travel day, but I'm not in a big hurry to hit the road. Hubby and I have been checking in with each other. We are just hanging out, and plan to leave after lunch. We end up in the front yard again, with the fabulous piles of leaves. The kids are pretty happy, and I am trying to get up packed up as I'm able. DD starts screaming. Shreaking. She has been stung again. I fly over to her, as done my son. Somewhere in the hysteria, I realize DS is crying, and I wonder if it's sympathy panic. No, he is bent over his hand. He, too, has been stung. As I do my best to grab them, I feel a sting on my temple. I grab them and get us inside. Screaming, hysterical children, and my adrenals are firing whatever they have left to fire. As he did Saturday during the first sting situation, grabbed his medical bag, and put a can of First Aid spray in front of us. I used it. The kids requested to go up to our bedroom, and right away requested sandwiches, just like Saturday. What an interesting reminder that kids crave routine! I made them. DS, as is his nature, was fine once the sting settled down a bit. He sat there watching a DVD with his sandwich. Crisis over. DD, as is her nature, was upset longer, and needed more time and efforts to settle back down. I add to this that I was on the phone with DH when the second stings occurred, and I rather abruptly hung up, surely leaving him very concerned on the other end. So I called him quickly a couple of times during all of this to fill him in and reassure him that all was well in the end.
After a while, we make it back downstairs. DS picks up the First Aid spray, which was sitting on the carpet. I tell him to be careful, that's it's medicine spray, and suggested he not spray it. He's two, and pretty good, but ... more screaming. He had sprayed the stuff directly into his eyes. I grab him and wash his eyes out with water, and hoped like crazy that that was the right thing to do. I wiped his eyes with a cloth, and he settled down right away. Phew.
My stress exhaustion was settling in in a big way now, and I still faced a three hour drive with two kids. By now I just wanted to get us on the road. I suggested to my father that we eat lunch early. He got right to it and made us some food. Now DD, who had pretty much settled down at this point, reminded me that she had really wanted to go on a picnic for lunch. I had zero desire to do anything more than eat and take off, but DD can be very insistent! To her absolute credit, she suggested that perhaps we could set up a table in the living room and have a picnic there. Yes! I could do that! I informed my father, and he set things up. We ate. Add in to all of this that DD is in this phase where most foods are not appealing to her, and she really doesn't eat much at meal times when we aren't at home. She had basically been existing on peanut butter crackers since we got there. Anyhow, I ate. I then packed the car, got the kids in the car, and left.
The ride back was fine. We arrived fried, and happy to be home. DH, to his credit, had bought stuff to make pumpkin pies with the kids. He got DD engaged in that pretty quickly. My much anticipated and desperately needed evening "break" time arrived, and I headed to the basement where my fabulous sewing room exists. I put my attention on a sewing pattern I've been making, and allow myself to disconnect from things for a little while. We eat dinner, relax for a bit, and I take the kids upstairs to bed. DD is still very wired. DS conks out gratefully. DD also falls asleep. I start to get up. She is just barely over on my pillow, and I decide to try to gently remove it, so the kids don't take it over before I come up to bed. Big mistake. DD wakes up, and an anxious DD won't go back to sleep. My dander is up in a big way at this point. I need her to go to sleep!! I am so in need of some time to unwind that I feel desperate. It is not to be. I inform her that I'm going downstairs to tell Papa that I'm staying up there. I go down, make myself a drink (!!!) and head back up. DH, to his credit, comes up too. We read together, and DD finally falls back to sleep. I go to bed, too.
Monday. Ugh. None of us wants to face it. But we all do. What choice do we have? I remind DD on the way to school to take things one minute at a time, and just do the best she can. I remind her that the weekend was not exactly relaxing (!) and that we didn't get time to unwind, so to go easy on herself. Then I remember that I have a dental appt. I inform DS, who of course starts his pleas that we not go. We get there, and DH has met us. DS reaches his arms to me, but I tell him I will meet him afterwards. The visit is fine. In fact I have a pleasant conversation with the hygienist after she compliments my tote bag, which I made. She enjoys crafting, and we chat happily about it all. Then the dentist comes in. He checks my teeth and all that, then out of nowhere starts telling me how important it is to get out without the kids. ??? Where did this come from? I hadn't said a word other than I spend my time chasing my kids around. He looked at me, and said, "You look tired. Take care of yourself." Whoa!
The rest of the day kind of goes. DS was outside on his tricycle about 45 minutes before we had to go pick up DD from school. He asked to go to the end of the road to an area we call the dirt hills. I told him we didn't have time, and he throws a mini-fit, indicating to me that he is ready to nap. I get us in the car and drive. He does not go to sleep. @#$%! I drive and drive and nothing. I finally take us to a nearby store, and we walk around for a while. Then we drive some more, until it's finally time to get DD. Everything is well, and the afternoon/evening goes pretty smoothly. The time for my evening "break" comes around again, and I head downstairs. Within a couple of minutes, I hear DD screaming and crying. My heart sinks. I understand what is happening but it still makes me feel sad. She is tired. Exhausted. She has not had the relaxing weekend she needed to regroup, and she's just reached her limit. She is at the door of the basement insisting that she needs me. DH protects my alone time any way he can, and the tension quickly rises to a fever pitch. After a while, the noise settles down. But I am sad. And tired. And done.
Bed time comes, and DD informs me that she may not be able to sleep again. We talk about it for a bit. But I'm irritated. I can't help it. Her anxiety results in my being kept on a very short leash, and I am quite protective of the little time that I do get to myself. And this new "thing" is compromising some of that. After some while, she does fall asleep. (I sat near the kids this time, NOT between them as usual, and had my pillow out of the way BEFORE DD went to sleep!! I was able to very quietly get myself out of the room. Phew!
Then I get downstairs and DH is in a lousy mood. He is cursing the difficulty he has in putting a lunch together for DD, who is so picky there really is very little she will agree to eat. I agree to do it, and he heads to the couch. I put together a lunch, and after some while, finally land on the couch. DH and I actually get a little time to watch part of movie, and I head to bed.
And so it's Tuesday. Onward we go. DD asks me daily to promise that I won't leave the house during my "break." She asks me nightly to promise that I won't leave the house while she's sleeping. She insists on getting out of bed when I do, even though she is still tired, and could sleep for another half-hour. She usually falls back to sleep on the couch. She asked me this morning if I had any doctor or dentist appointments. And so forth.
Thanks for listening.
Last week, like any, came with it's ups and downs, but everyone worked hard, and did his and her best. As everyone does, we all faced some challenges, and we all found ways to recharge. My daughter managed this along with the rest of us. She faces life with an undiagnosed anxiety (disorder? condition?) whatever, so her ups are often a little more up than the rest of us, and her downs can be a bit more down. Not a problem, it can just take her a little bit more time and proper conditions to come back to her baseline.
By Friday, we were all ready to be done for the week. DD verbalized that she didn't want to go to school. She said that while she likes school, "I just like you better, Mama." Her way of saying she's pooped and needs to rest. I gently encouraged her to face the day the best she could, try to be in the moment, and go easy on herself. I told her I couldn't wait to come pick her up, and I meant it. The attachment parent in me wanted to keep her home. The anxiety built in to me knows that I needed her to spend some time at school in order for me to recharge. Because I was anxious.
We had planned for a couple of weeks to go to my father's for the weekend. I had decided to go on Saturday, and return on Sunday. This sets my nerves on end in several ways. For one thing, I would be traveling with the kids on my own. I have done so countless times before, but it's always a little anxiety producing. And then there was the packing. I am a lousy packer. I am disorganized by nature, and find the idea of creating a small amount of core items out of a giant mess of a house very intimidating. And I tend to forget something each time, so I worry about that. And I try to do all of that while entertaining a 2-year-old. So I walk in circles all day feeling frustrated. Add to that the fact that DH has been a tense mess and is looking SO forward to us going away, so he can have some recharge time for himself. So when, three days ahead of departure day, I develop a headache (unusual for me) and DD complains of a "thick throat" I start to wonder if we are coming down with something that will necessitate a change of plans. I worry much more about the absolute crushing disappointment DH will display at even the slight suggestion that we MIGHT stay home, than the possible illness itself. Then there is the typical and anticipated transition anxiety that DD experiences with any change in routine. And on top of that, the more recently and most likely short-lasting phase that DS is going through, where he begs me not to take him anywhere. And this is what I was carrying as the week wore on last week.
After about 2.5 days, my headache, which was only minor, and somehow sinus related, went away. DD did not complain about her throat after the one morning. We were on for the trip. Friday I dropped an exhausted (school-exhausted, if you know what I mean) DD off at school, and headed home to pack. DS started in with his statements that he didn't want to go. DH had decided to come home early to help. He helped DS get some things together, and when DD came home, he helped her to pack. I managed the rest.
Saturday morning, and DS is in full-blown toddler-mode. He does NOT want to go! I do no know what to do. DH is starting to get upset. DD is just looking at me saying, "So, are we going?" As DH gets progressively upset and angry, I decide that I am going, come hell or high tantrum, because I'm pissed at DH. I bring all of our stuff to the door, he packs it in the car, and we're ready to head out. I, in a rare moment, express my feelings at DH, and we are now having an argument. Over the roof of the car we agree to talk about things later, and we leave.
Three hours later, the kids and I are in NJ. DS had quickly turned his upset to anticipation (attaboy!) and the kids were happy to be there. My father started the list of "things we could do" and I suggested that maybe our visit was short enough this time that just being there was enough.
We end up outside, playing, which the kids love. This fall they have fallen in love with the idea of jumping in his leaf piles in the front yard. I stand near the road, and watch. Suddenly, my daughter approaches me and says, calmly, that something had poked into her leg. One second later she is screaming. She has realized that she has been stung by a bee, and it's still there. My father materializes at this point, and wipes the bee away. DD is hysterical. I get her inside, and over the coarse of about five minutes, manage to convince her to get her pants off so we can look at the sting. Over the next 30 minutes, with a constant minute of screaming, minute of calm, minute of screaming, minute of calm (repeat) I manage to look up bee stings on my computer and take care of things. We have managed to get upstairs to our bedroom, and after a few minutes, DD informs me that she is hungry. I go downstairs to make sandwiches, and my father comments that the kids don't eat at meals but eat when they want. The rest of the day is fairly uneventful, though my daughter periodically feels she cannot walk, which means hauling her down narrow spiral stairs.
The next day is a travel day, but I'm not in a big hurry to hit the road. Hubby and I have been checking in with each other. We are just hanging out, and plan to leave after lunch. We end up in the front yard again, with the fabulous piles of leaves. The kids are pretty happy, and I am trying to get up packed up as I'm able. DD starts screaming. Shreaking. She has been stung again. I fly over to her, as done my son. Somewhere in the hysteria, I realize DS is crying, and I wonder if it's sympathy panic. No, he is bent over his hand. He, too, has been stung. As I do my best to grab them, I feel a sting on my temple. I grab them and get us inside. Screaming, hysterical children, and my adrenals are firing whatever they have left to fire. As he did Saturday during the first sting situation, grabbed his medical bag, and put a can of First Aid spray in front of us. I used it. The kids requested to go up to our bedroom, and right away requested sandwiches, just like Saturday. What an interesting reminder that kids crave routine! I made them. DS, as is his nature, was fine once the sting settled down a bit. He sat there watching a DVD with his sandwich. Crisis over. DD, as is her nature, was upset longer, and needed more time and efforts to settle back down. I add to this that I was on the phone with DH when the second stings occurred, and I rather abruptly hung up, surely leaving him very concerned on the other end. So I called him quickly a couple of times during all of this to fill him in and reassure him that all was well in the end.
After a while, we make it back downstairs. DS picks up the First Aid spray, which was sitting on the carpet. I tell him to be careful, that's it's medicine spray, and suggested he not spray it. He's two, and pretty good, but ... more screaming. He had sprayed the stuff directly into his eyes. I grab him and wash his eyes out with water, and hoped like crazy that that was the right thing to do. I wiped his eyes with a cloth, and he settled down right away. Phew.
My stress exhaustion was settling in in a big way now, and I still faced a three hour drive with two kids. By now I just wanted to get us on the road. I suggested to my father that we eat lunch early. He got right to it and made us some food. Now DD, who had pretty much settled down at this point, reminded me that she had really wanted to go on a picnic for lunch. I had zero desire to do anything more than eat and take off, but DD can be very insistent! To her absolute credit, she suggested that perhaps we could set up a table in the living room and have a picnic there. Yes! I could do that! I informed my father, and he set things up. We ate. Add in to all of this that DD is in this phase where most foods are not appealing to her, and she really doesn't eat much at meal times when we aren't at home. She had basically been existing on peanut butter crackers since we got there. Anyhow, I ate. I then packed the car, got the kids in the car, and left.
The ride back was fine. We arrived fried, and happy to be home. DH, to his credit, had bought stuff to make pumpkin pies with the kids. He got DD engaged in that pretty quickly. My much anticipated and desperately needed evening "break" time arrived, and I headed to the basement where my fabulous sewing room exists. I put my attention on a sewing pattern I've been making, and allow myself to disconnect from things for a little while. We eat dinner, relax for a bit, and I take the kids upstairs to bed. DD is still very wired. DS conks out gratefully. DD also falls asleep. I start to get up. She is just barely over on my pillow, and I decide to try to gently remove it, so the kids don't take it over before I come up to bed. Big mistake. DD wakes up, and an anxious DD won't go back to sleep. My dander is up in a big way at this point. I need her to go to sleep!! I am so in need of some time to unwind that I feel desperate. It is not to be. I inform her that I'm going downstairs to tell Papa that I'm staying up there. I go down, make myself a drink (!!!) and head back up. DH, to his credit, comes up too. We read together, and DD finally falls back to sleep. I go to bed, too.
Monday. Ugh. None of us wants to face it. But we all do. What choice do we have? I remind DD on the way to school to take things one minute at a time, and just do the best she can. I remind her that the weekend was not exactly relaxing (!) and that we didn't get time to unwind, so to go easy on herself. Then I remember that I have a dental appt. I inform DS, who of course starts his pleas that we not go. We get there, and DH has met us. DS reaches his arms to me, but I tell him I will meet him afterwards. The visit is fine. In fact I have a pleasant conversation with the hygienist after she compliments my tote bag, which I made. She enjoys crafting, and we chat happily about it all. Then the dentist comes in. He checks my teeth and all that, then out of nowhere starts telling me how important it is to get out without the kids. ??? Where did this come from? I hadn't said a word other than I spend my time chasing my kids around. He looked at me, and said, "You look tired. Take care of yourself." Whoa!
The rest of the day kind of goes. DS was outside on his tricycle about 45 minutes before we had to go pick up DD from school. He asked to go to the end of the road to an area we call the dirt hills. I told him we didn't have time, and he throws a mini-fit, indicating to me that he is ready to nap. I get us in the car and drive. He does not go to sleep. @#$%! I drive and drive and nothing. I finally take us to a nearby store, and we walk around for a while. Then we drive some more, until it's finally time to get DD. Everything is well, and the afternoon/evening goes pretty smoothly. The time for my evening "break" comes around again, and I head downstairs. Within a couple of minutes, I hear DD screaming and crying. My heart sinks. I understand what is happening but it still makes me feel sad. She is tired. Exhausted. She has not had the relaxing weekend she needed to regroup, and she's just reached her limit. She is at the door of the basement insisting that she needs me. DH protects my alone time any way he can, and the tension quickly rises to a fever pitch. After a while, the noise settles down. But I am sad. And tired. And done.
Bed time comes, and DD informs me that she may not be able to sleep again. We talk about it for a bit. But I'm irritated. I can't help it. Her anxiety results in my being kept on a very short leash, and I am quite protective of the little time that I do get to myself. And this new "thing" is compromising some of that. After some while, she does fall asleep. (I sat near the kids this time, NOT between them as usual, and had my pillow out of the way BEFORE DD went to sleep!! I was able to very quietly get myself out of the room. Phew!
Then I get downstairs and DH is in a lousy mood. He is cursing the difficulty he has in putting a lunch together for DD, who is so picky there really is very little she will agree to eat. I agree to do it, and he heads to the couch. I put together a lunch, and after some while, finally land on the couch. DH and I actually get a little time to watch part of movie, and I head to bed.
And so it's Tuesday. Onward we go. DD asks me daily to promise that I won't leave the house during my "break." She asks me nightly to promise that I won't leave the house while she's sleeping. She insists on getting out of bed when I do, even though she is still tired, and could sleep for another half-hour. She usually falls back to sleep on the couch. She asked me this morning if I had any doctor or dentist appointments. And so forth.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Another One?? (child anxiety)
Ever since I tried nursery school with my son, about a month ago, he has been a different kid. Mind you he went for TWO days, and seemed to enjoy it for quite a while before hitting a wall (figuratively.) He did leave both days crying and upset, but I think that was from being tired and overwhelmed with the length of the class, not the activities or expectations. He did well both days until hitting that proverbial wall. But he views it differently. He says he hates school. And his experience with it has changed his opinion about other things.
Today I had my heart set on taking him to a new program at the Children's Museum. He likes the Children's Museum, and has asked to go there a number of times in the past. But today he did not want to go. In fact, he pleaded with me not to take him. What the?? I think it was the idea that it was a "program." But he has reacted this way to other events as well. We were invited to a neighbor's to play last week. We got all the way to the time we were ready to leave, and that was it. He dug his heels in. He begged me not to take him! I explained that it was just to a neighbor's to play, and we could leave any time we wanted, and he would probably know some of the kids.... nope. He did NOT want to go!
DS was not like this at all before trying school. He has never been shy, and still isn't. He is outgoing, unafraid, and confident. He is like this with adults and kids of all ages. So I don't know what's going on. Of course, kids all go through phases of being more or less shy or worried about separation from parents. That's all normal. I guess I worry about it because of DD's anxiety issues. He is not like that at all. It is very likely, however, that he picks up some cues from her, and that some of his reactions are influenced by her. An example of this is in the evening when I take an hour to myself. This is something that occurs every night, and has been in place since DD was little. It is part of our every day routine. DD goes through phases of accepting my being away for the hour, and phases of being anything BUT ok with it. As a general rule, DS is not disturbed by my brief absence, and takes it very much in his stride. But when DD is in full blown anxiety mode, he becomes upset, too, and goes through brief periods of panic when I am getting ready to leave the room. Keep in mind, I don't leave the house most of the time, I just go downstairs. And about five minutes before the hour is done, both kids are yelling down the stairs.
Anyhow, so at the moment, my leash is short. Even with DD at school for 6.5 hours a day, I still juggle the fallout from the anxiety that we all live as a family. I guess I need to put it in perspective, and writing about it helps me to do that. I can't over react to his age-appropriate anxiety. I have to figure out a good balance between gently encouraging him to be brave and get out for fun programs (that I attend with him) and following his lead with genuinely needing to be home and quiet.
Today I had my heart set on taking him to a new program at the Children's Museum. He likes the Children's Museum, and has asked to go there a number of times in the past. But today he did not want to go. In fact, he pleaded with me not to take him. What the?? I think it was the idea that it was a "program." But he has reacted this way to other events as well. We were invited to a neighbor's to play last week. We got all the way to the time we were ready to leave, and that was it. He dug his heels in. He begged me not to take him! I explained that it was just to a neighbor's to play, and we could leave any time we wanted, and he would probably know some of the kids.... nope. He did NOT want to go!
DS was not like this at all before trying school. He has never been shy, and still isn't. He is outgoing, unafraid, and confident. He is like this with adults and kids of all ages. So I don't know what's going on. Of course, kids all go through phases of being more or less shy or worried about separation from parents. That's all normal. I guess I worry about it because of DD's anxiety issues. He is not like that at all. It is very likely, however, that he picks up some cues from her, and that some of his reactions are influenced by her. An example of this is in the evening when I take an hour to myself. This is something that occurs every night, and has been in place since DD was little. It is part of our every day routine. DD goes through phases of accepting my being away for the hour, and phases of being anything BUT ok with it. As a general rule, DS is not disturbed by my brief absence, and takes it very much in his stride. But when DD is in full blown anxiety mode, he becomes upset, too, and goes through brief periods of panic when I am getting ready to leave the room. Keep in mind, I don't leave the house most of the time, I just go downstairs. And about five minutes before the hour is done, both kids are yelling down the stairs.
Anyhow, so at the moment, my leash is short. Even with DD at school for 6.5 hours a day, I still juggle the fallout from the anxiety that we all live as a family. I guess I need to put it in perspective, and writing about it helps me to do that. I can't over react to his age-appropriate anxiety. I have to figure out a good balance between gently encouraging him to be brave and get out for fun programs (that I attend with him) and following his lead with genuinely needing to be home and quiet.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Guessing Game (parenting)
Something is going on with my little boy. He wouldn't let me go out to dinner last night, even though his grandmother was here, and he is very comfortable with her. He couldn't fall asleep last night. He was up at least an hour later than usual and said he wasn't tired. He finally went to sleep when I went with him. Then he was up before 5 a.m. today. And when a child is off, the entire family is off. What could be going on?
The obvious first thought is illness. Poor goob. It's possible. Seems as if he was fighting something last week. But I guess it is that time of year for all sorts of bugs to come home with DD from school and with DH from work. But he doesn't have any of the usual symptoms, like runny nose. Still possible and most likely.
It could be tension. Could it? I don't know, but I believe that stress plays a bit part in how smoothly the routine goes in life and at home. Two weeks ago I took him to school. He was very excited about it. Too excited. He did great, but after a short time became overwhelmed and too tired to continue. He was encouraged to continue anyway, and he was in total meltdown mode when we left. His second day of school was similar. He did great for about an hour and a half, then was completely done. Once again the pressure was put on him to continue, and that was too much. Another total meltdown as we got ready to leave. After that he didn't want any part of school, even though the majority of the experience was positive. I took him out, making the decision that he simply wasn't ready yet. I was hoping that I got him out before the anxiety became a lasting thing, but I'm not sure I made it. He seems to have a school hang-over, at the tender age of 2. Darn it.
Then sometimes there's a little tension at home. DS had agreed to let us go out last night, but once we were in the car, he became very upset. Grandma grabbed him, and that made things worse. He entered panic mode, which is where he was when I got to him. DH was very frustrated that we couldn't go out, something he looked forward to very much. So he was upset, and felt angry at DS. Then DD, who battles with pretty intense anxiety, waffled about whether she was comfortable with us going out or not. (I honestly thought she would be the one to get in the way of the outing, not DS) So she went back and forth between starting to cry at the prospect of us going out and the prospect of us NOT going out. By the time we were in the driveway, she almost needed us to go out. She had simply gotten her head around that plan, and had worked hard to get herself to that place. And then there's me, monkey in the middle. All the time. I understand DD. I understand DH. I also understand grandma with her gentle urging to go despite the kids' upset. (just not the way I work) And I empathize with DS. I know that there is something wrong, and if all was well, he wouldn't be acting and feeling this way. Instinct says to hug him rather than push him into this situation.
So who knows? Instinct is a strong thing, and I'm following mine. That's all I can do.
The obvious first thought is illness. Poor goob. It's possible. Seems as if he was fighting something last week. But I guess it is that time of year for all sorts of bugs to come home with DD from school and with DH from work. But he doesn't have any of the usual symptoms, like runny nose. Still possible and most likely.
It could be tension. Could it? I don't know, but I believe that stress plays a bit part in how smoothly the routine goes in life and at home. Two weeks ago I took him to school. He was very excited about it. Too excited. He did great, but after a short time became overwhelmed and too tired to continue. He was encouraged to continue anyway, and he was in total meltdown mode when we left. His second day of school was similar. He did great for about an hour and a half, then was completely done. Once again the pressure was put on him to continue, and that was too much. Another total meltdown as we got ready to leave. After that he didn't want any part of school, even though the majority of the experience was positive. I took him out, making the decision that he simply wasn't ready yet. I was hoping that I got him out before the anxiety became a lasting thing, but I'm not sure I made it. He seems to have a school hang-over, at the tender age of 2. Darn it.
Then sometimes there's a little tension at home. DS had agreed to let us go out last night, but once we were in the car, he became very upset. Grandma grabbed him, and that made things worse. He entered panic mode, which is where he was when I got to him. DH was very frustrated that we couldn't go out, something he looked forward to very much. So he was upset, and felt angry at DS. Then DD, who battles with pretty intense anxiety, waffled about whether she was comfortable with us going out or not. (I honestly thought she would be the one to get in the way of the outing, not DS) So she went back and forth between starting to cry at the prospect of us going out and the prospect of us NOT going out. By the time we were in the driveway, she almost needed us to go out. She had simply gotten her head around that plan, and had worked hard to get herself to that place. And then there's me, monkey in the middle. All the time. I understand DD. I understand DH. I also understand grandma with her gentle urging to go despite the kids' upset. (just not the way I work) And I empathize with DS. I know that there is something wrong, and if all was well, he wouldn't be acting and feeling this way. Instinct says to hug him rather than push him into this situation.
So who knows? Instinct is a strong thing, and I'm following mine. That's all I can do.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Calmer Seas (child anxiety)
Time to update on DD.
Things are settling down nicely. Phew! DD's biggest complaint after school yesterday was that someone had moved her plant. =) I got a nice email from her teacher yesterday, too, that said that during a movement class, DD had gotten up in front of the class with another student and done a dance! Ok, she has officially surpassed me. I don't do that!! Very proud I am, yes indeedy.
That doesn't mean that she doesn't still get anxious in the mornings. She does. Dry heaves are not uncommon. Or the complaint of a belly ache. But she likes school.
We went to a school picnic two days ago. Several kids came up to her asking if she wanted to play with them, or sit on their picnic blanket with them, etc. It was very cool. She shied away from them for the most part, but I think that was more a result of me and her father and other parents being there. Something tells me she would have been off with them in a flash had it been school recess or something. And occasionally during the night she would forget herself and start to run off. Very good stuff.
I am working with her on reading every night now, as she won't read to the teachers at school. But I am not giving her a hard time about it. As I've been telling hubby in the evenings, she's made such incredible strides, and completely because she chose to, that I do not feel the need to pressure her about the reading and lessons at this point. I'll just work with her at home to be sure she's keeping up. Her reading is very slow and reluctant. We worked on it a bunch this summer, but a couple weeks before starting the new school, we stopped. It really shows that she hasn't been working on it for a while. Her confidence has decreased, and her reading is elementary at best. But she'll get there. When she decides to!
And a quick note on the little girl in DD's class. DD told me a few days ago that she thought this girl wanted to be friends with everyone in the class but her. That seems to have completely changed. For one, she approached DD a lot during the picnic, and was very friendly with her. Then I get the email from the teacher saying they performed a dance together for the class. And DD informed me yesterday that this same little girl has invited DD to come to her house on Halloween. Awright! =)
Words from a proud Mama!
Things are settling down nicely. Phew! DD's biggest complaint after school yesterday was that someone had moved her plant. =) I got a nice email from her teacher yesterday, too, that said that during a movement class, DD had gotten up in front of the class with another student and done a dance! Ok, she has officially surpassed me. I don't do that!! Very proud I am, yes indeedy.
That doesn't mean that she doesn't still get anxious in the mornings. She does. Dry heaves are not uncommon. Or the complaint of a belly ache. But she likes school.
We went to a school picnic two days ago. Several kids came up to her asking if she wanted to play with them, or sit on their picnic blanket with them, etc. It was very cool. She shied away from them for the most part, but I think that was more a result of me and her father and other parents being there. Something tells me she would have been off with them in a flash had it been school recess or something. And occasionally during the night she would forget herself and start to run off. Very good stuff.
I am working with her on reading every night now, as she won't read to the teachers at school. But I am not giving her a hard time about it. As I've been telling hubby in the evenings, she's made such incredible strides, and completely because she chose to, that I do not feel the need to pressure her about the reading and lessons at this point. I'll just work with her at home to be sure she's keeping up. Her reading is very slow and reluctant. We worked on it a bunch this summer, but a couple weeks before starting the new school, we stopped. It really shows that she hasn't been working on it for a while. Her confidence has decreased, and her reading is elementary at best. But she'll get there. When she decides to!
And a quick note on the little girl in DD's class. DD told me a few days ago that she thought this girl wanted to be friends with everyone in the class but her. That seems to have completely changed. For one, she approached DD a lot during the picnic, and was very friendly with her. Then I get the email from the teacher saying they performed a dance together for the class. And DD informed me yesterday that this same little girl has invited DD to come to her house on Halloween. Awright! =)
Words from a proud Mama!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
SIGH (parenting)
Maybe I beating this topic to death, but I think it helps me to vent when I'm in the thick of all of this.
First of all, darling daughter IS adjusting to her new school, and seems happy enough most days. But she is throwing up every morning before we leave. Today she couldn't eat anything, and was panicked about having not eaten before going to school. I wasn't too worried about that because I know that she can grab a snack at school whenever she feels the need. Anyhow...
So today DS and I picked her up, and all was well. In fact, the kids miss each other a lot during the day, so they're very cute after school. He had told me during the day that he missed her. She came home with a picture she drew for him, with his name written all over it. Cute. Nice.
So at some point, we were just talking, and somehow the topic came up of a function my husband and I have to participate in for our son's school. It's a fund raiser, and we're being asked to work two five hour shifts to help with it. Of course my first thought was that there was no way I would get away with being gone for five hours at a stretch, so hubby and I had already agreed that we'd split the shifts. So anyhow, my daughter and I were talking, and the subject of the fund raiser came up. She asked what it was. I explained it to her, and she was excited at first. She wanted to be involved. I explained that it might be fun for a while, but five hours in a row might be a lot for her. I explained that she and her brother would just hang out with whichever of us wasn't working. She immediately got upset, saying she was going to stay with me wherever I was. I explained that I would be working, and it might get boring. She then said she'd stay home. I told her that was fine, she would only need to leave the house briefly so that hubby could come relieve me, or vice versa. She became so upset by this thought that she actually broke out in tears. (She is SIX years old) She said she was concerned about needing to use the bathroom on the drive. UGH. I told her that she'd be driving in to town and back. She went on and on about it. I told her she was being ridiculous. She said she wouldn't drive with her papa because of the bathroom. My entire insides felt like they became tied in knots. Seriously, this is getting beyond ridiculous, and it ticks me off that I have to be so confined by her anxiety!! I am so sympathetic so much of the time, but when I can't move, I get annoyed. Pissed! Anyhow, she asked me how long there was until the fund raiser. I told her that it is a MONTH away, but that even if it was a day away it shouldn't matter, because it really is not a big deal! I told her it was an obligation that her father and I have, and that it really has nothing to do with her. But she is insisting that she won't leave the house while I am away! So now my husband will be confined to the house during those shifts, not to mention our son. It's so frustrating! I suggested that we might have to get a babysitter because hubby and I will have to leave the house. She actually agreed to that plan, and said that grandma would need to stay at the house with her, and that our son would have to be with her! Her conditions are maddening!! Yes, folks, we're talking about something that is not occurring for a month! Oh!
Just needed to vent. =)
First of all, darling daughter IS adjusting to her new school, and seems happy enough most days. But she is throwing up every morning before we leave. Today she couldn't eat anything, and was panicked about having not eaten before going to school. I wasn't too worried about that because I know that she can grab a snack at school whenever she feels the need. Anyhow...
So today DS and I picked her up, and all was well. In fact, the kids miss each other a lot during the day, so they're very cute after school. He had told me during the day that he missed her. She came home with a picture she drew for him, with his name written all over it. Cute. Nice.
So at some point, we were just talking, and somehow the topic came up of a function my husband and I have to participate in for our son's school. It's a fund raiser, and we're being asked to work two five hour shifts to help with it. Of course my first thought was that there was no way I would get away with being gone for five hours at a stretch, so hubby and I had already agreed that we'd split the shifts. So anyhow, my daughter and I were talking, and the subject of the fund raiser came up. She asked what it was. I explained it to her, and she was excited at first. She wanted to be involved. I explained that it might be fun for a while, but five hours in a row might be a lot for her. I explained that she and her brother would just hang out with whichever of us wasn't working. She immediately got upset, saying she was going to stay with me wherever I was. I explained that I would be working, and it might get boring. She then said she'd stay home. I told her that was fine, she would only need to leave the house briefly so that hubby could come relieve me, or vice versa. She became so upset by this thought that she actually broke out in tears. (She is SIX years old) She said she was concerned about needing to use the bathroom on the drive. UGH. I told her that she'd be driving in to town and back. She went on and on about it. I told her she was being ridiculous. She said she wouldn't drive with her papa because of the bathroom. My entire insides felt like they became tied in knots. Seriously, this is getting beyond ridiculous, and it ticks me off that I have to be so confined by her anxiety!! I am so sympathetic so much of the time, but when I can't move, I get annoyed. Pissed! Anyhow, she asked me how long there was until the fund raiser. I told her that it is a MONTH away, but that even if it was a day away it shouldn't matter, because it really is not a big deal! I told her it was an obligation that her father and I have, and that it really has nothing to do with her. But she is insisting that she won't leave the house while I am away! So now my husband will be confined to the house during those shifts, not to mention our son. It's so frustrating! I suggested that we might have to get a babysitter because hubby and I will have to leave the house. She actually agreed to that plan, and said that grandma would need to stay at the house with her, and that our son would have to be with her! Her conditions are maddening!! Yes, folks, we're talking about something that is not occurring for a month! Oh!
Just needed to vent. =)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
AAaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! (parenting)
This is how my day has gone so far.
I am woken by my son, as usual. After lying in bed for a little while, we get up. It is 6:30 a.m. My son has had no trouble at all switching to our school schedule, it seems. We head downstairs. Dear daughter has seen us, but chooses to stay in bed for a while. Good girl. 7 a.m., she comes down, too.
The kids are hungry. It's a day off from school, so I decide to make pancakes. Awesome. The kids are in to it, and help out. Each ingredient has to be added by half, so each child gets to add some. I get an ear full when my son gets to add extra stuff. She had been busy mixing, so I just handed him the stuff. Bad call, Mama. We make the pancakes, they eat. My son is "butter man" and my daughter is "syrup woman." They both do a pretty good job of this. No major catastrophes. Before I've even made my own pancakes, they are done, and have run off. My mommy brain tells me that I have a little while before I need to check in on things, so I clean up and eat. I decide that I'll put the news on while I eat. I get absorbed in a news story about the tv Brady family, and another one of those "where they are now" shows. I only watch for about five minutes. I clean my plate up, then head upstairs.
In total, less than 10 minutes has gone by since the kids left the kitchen. I walk in to DD's room to find them systematically throwing small beads, erasers and other little things out of the hole in the window screen. The hole in the window screen?? I ask DD if she made the hole, and bless her little 6-year-old heart, she honestly nods her head. I take it what all they are doing, inform her that that was not the best idea she's ever had, and go take a shower. The shower is a way for me to think through how I want to handle all of this. Before getting in, I inform her what the purpose of the screen is, and how it will now need to be replaced. "It will?" grrr.... I take my shower.
I have not raised my voice at all. I am worried about under-reacting. I inform her that I think she'll need to help pay for the new screen with her allowance. I ask the children to stop pushing things out of the hole. They have continued to work on this for the duration of my (short) shower. DD stops right away, two-year-old DS is less willing. I start to lecture DD. I add, of course, that she is modeling behaviors for little brother. (As if she is not aware of this, as if she doesn't use him in her plots!)
I inform DD that she will need to go outside and pick all of the little things out of the landscaping before she can move on to anything else. She takes this fairly well in her stride. She gets herself dressed, and heads out. DD is SLOW in most everything she does. And she is SLOW with this. I am an impatient person, but I am working very hard at not letting myself take over and just get the job done already! I pace around as she ggrraadduuaallyy moves around the bushes, picking up one bead here, an eraser over there.........argh! Periodically she picks up a stick and sticks it in the pricker bush. Then she needs to go in to use the bathroom. Etc and so forth. When she comes out, I can't take it any more, and I start to help. She has done most of it by this point. We finish up (I'm sure there are 100 more beads out there hiding) and head in.
I inform her that what I should do is take away her play date from today, but the fact is, I don't want to take that away. For one thing, it's our main plan for today, the first holiday from school. And I need the distraction! And she does, too. And the other thing is that we are getting together with her best friend, and the two of them now go to different schools. Her mom and I understand the importance of their friendship, and really want to keep them connected. So while out there, as she complained about how un-fun it was picking up the tiny little objects, I lectured that maybe next time she would remember what a drag it was picking up after herself, and maybe she'd make a different decision next time. She told me (and I thought this was cute) that she did it because it was fun, even though she had an awareness that it was not a good idea. Enter me, saying that there are many such things in life, and that sometimes the aftermath makes the fun thing not worth it, and that hopefully she'll learn to make good decisions about these things on her own. (Please, please!)
Next scene, we're in the house, and the kids are in the living room. DD asks to watch a program. DS declares he does not want to watch a program. DD picks her program, and I put it on. DS freaks, saying he did not want to watch a program. This is an old lecture, but I remind him, again, that he does not need to watch, he can choose to go do something else. Both kids seem to think that if the tv is on, they MUST be in front of it, whether it's something the want to watch or not. I hate this. I have started to limit the tv a bit. I get so sick of it. And arguing over what program to watch just seems so idiotic to me. Argue about something substantial! Give me a break!
I am hoping our play date calls soon. It's 10 a.m.
I am woken by my son, as usual. After lying in bed for a little while, we get up. It is 6:30 a.m. My son has had no trouble at all switching to our school schedule, it seems. We head downstairs. Dear daughter has seen us, but chooses to stay in bed for a while. Good girl. 7 a.m., she comes down, too.
The kids are hungry. It's a day off from school, so I decide to make pancakes. Awesome. The kids are in to it, and help out. Each ingredient has to be added by half, so each child gets to add some. I get an ear full when my son gets to add extra stuff. She had been busy mixing, so I just handed him the stuff. Bad call, Mama. We make the pancakes, they eat. My son is "butter man" and my daughter is "syrup woman." They both do a pretty good job of this. No major catastrophes. Before I've even made my own pancakes, they are done, and have run off. My mommy brain tells me that I have a little while before I need to check in on things, so I clean up and eat. I decide that I'll put the news on while I eat. I get absorbed in a news story about the tv Brady family, and another one of those "where they are now" shows. I only watch for about five minutes. I clean my plate up, then head upstairs.
In total, less than 10 minutes has gone by since the kids left the kitchen. I walk in to DD's room to find them systematically throwing small beads, erasers and other little things out of the hole in the window screen. The hole in the window screen?? I ask DD if she made the hole, and bless her little 6-year-old heart, she honestly nods her head. I take it what all they are doing, inform her that that was not the best idea she's ever had, and go take a shower. The shower is a way for me to think through how I want to handle all of this. Before getting in, I inform her what the purpose of the screen is, and how it will now need to be replaced. "It will?" grrr.... I take my shower.
I have not raised my voice at all. I am worried about under-reacting. I inform her that I think she'll need to help pay for the new screen with her allowance. I ask the children to stop pushing things out of the hole. They have continued to work on this for the duration of my (short) shower. DD stops right away, two-year-old DS is less willing. I start to lecture DD. I add, of course, that she is modeling behaviors for little brother. (As if she is not aware of this, as if she doesn't use him in her plots!)
I inform DD that she will need to go outside and pick all of the little things out of the landscaping before she can move on to anything else. She takes this fairly well in her stride. She gets herself dressed, and heads out. DD is SLOW in most everything she does. And she is SLOW with this. I am an impatient person, but I am working very hard at not letting myself take over and just get the job done already! I pace around as she ggrraadduuaallyy moves around the bushes, picking up one bead here, an eraser over there.........argh! Periodically she picks up a stick and sticks it in the pricker bush. Then she needs to go in to use the bathroom. Etc and so forth. When she comes out, I can't take it any more, and I start to help. She has done most of it by this point. We finish up (I'm sure there are 100 more beads out there hiding) and head in.
I inform her that what I should do is take away her play date from today, but the fact is, I don't want to take that away. For one thing, it's our main plan for today, the first holiday from school. And I need the distraction! And she does, too. And the other thing is that we are getting together with her best friend, and the two of them now go to different schools. Her mom and I understand the importance of their friendship, and really want to keep them connected. So while out there, as she complained about how un-fun it was picking up the tiny little objects, I lectured that maybe next time she would remember what a drag it was picking up after herself, and maybe she'd make a different decision next time. She told me (and I thought this was cute) that she did it because it was fun, even though she had an awareness that it was not a good idea. Enter me, saying that there are many such things in life, and that sometimes the aftermath makes the fun thing not worth it, and that hopefully she'll learn to make good decisions about these things on her own. (Please, please!)
Next scene, we're in the house, and the kids are in the living room. DD asks to watch a program. DS declares he does not want to watch a program. DD picks her program, and I put it on. DS freaks, saying he did not want to watch a program. This is an old lecture, but I remind him, again, that he does not need to watch, he can choose to go do something else. Both kids seem to think that if the tv is on, they MUST be in front of it, whether it's something the want to watch or not. I hate this. I have started to limit the tv a bit. I get so sick of it. And arguing over what program to watch just seems so idiotic to me. Argue about something substantial! Give me a break!
I am hoping our play date calls soon. It's 10 a.m.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Letter To A Friend (Re: Child-Rearing/Anxiety)
A friend and I talk often about parenting, and the decisions that are presented to us every day. In response to a thoughtful letter she wrote me, I wrote the following. I'm sharing it because it actually made me feel better to write down my thoughts. I am always open to your responses, whether similar or vastly different. Perhaps journaling (in addition to blogging!) would help me to sort some of this stuff and relieve some of my stress. In my spare time!! =)
Hi (friend),
Hi (friend),
I have been thinking about how to present my thought on all of this since I read your message yesterday.
Let me start by saying that I have always been of the mind that a child should have an opinion and options in all situations unless unsafe or unrealistic. That being said, I have found many situations where this approach didn't always work.
How to expand on that? Well, for one, there have been many, many times when my father has made comments to me and (hubby) that "what (DD) wants, (DD) gets." Yes, I have enough self-confidence in my feelings about parenting that I hear him but do what I feel is best. But I HEAR him, and I think about it.
And there have been situations more recently that have made involving her in every decision a bit of a challenge. She has taken to refusing to go out unless it is to her choice of destination, for example. Adjusting to having to go to school when she didn't want to was almost too high a mountain to climb.
As much as I, and I believe most, parents would like to have the time and patience to review every situation with our kids and to process with them for as long as it takes for him or her to feel heard and to come to an understanding, it simply isn't possible all of the time. Lord knows I am not the most patient person in the world, and I would feel better about myself if I took more time to review things with my kids. The reality is that I am impatient, get frustrated easily, and expect my kids to accept and move on more than is ideal.
So! When I am faced with something like the school situation, I am always conflicted!! I HATE that (DD) feels sad and stressed and nervous about going to school. It breaks my heart every day, even all summer! I hate it. At the same time, I NEED a little space from her in order to regroup and recharge. I have learned the hard way that if I don't get any space, I take it out on HER. And then feel horrible, and on and on.
The answers are never easy! I have and do wonder if homeschooling would be good for us, but I also see how (DD) lights up when she is around other people, both kids and adults, and she just wouldn't get as much of that if she was taught at home. For every day that I took her to school sad and scared, she came home saying she had a good day, and sang songs from school and talked about cool things she did that day. Ak!
(DD) has transition issues. I have been told again and again that after a few minutes of being upset, MOST of the time (DD) calms down and joins in whatever is going on. She still talks about fun things she did at Tiny Tots camp last summer. She LOVED her pre-k teacher. So what do I do?
I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing by pushing her through the rough spots. I tell myself that I am helping (DD) to live in the "real" world by urging her to face her anxieties a bit, so that larger anxieties later in life won't broad side her.
Do I hate the idea of leaving her crying? (Friend), it rips my heart out. The stupid school asked me for permission to take her in kicking and screaming. I hate that. But the alternative is to sit in the car with a progressively upset child who becomes more and more unwilling to get out and face her day, has her anxiety relieved by returning home, and an increased belief that school is an impossible hurdle. My daughter needs a push. And I had to learn that the hard way!!!!!!! I don't like being the pusher!!! In pre-k, (Hubby) had to take her to school for a week, as (DD) and I were too intertwined to reach our goal of a successful transition to school. This is hard for me!!!!!!! But having a child who does not have the same kind of anxiety, who walks unafraid into a new situation, actually makes the job a little easier. I can see more clearly that I am not pushing my un-ready child into the fire, I am helping my healthy child with out of control anxiety to pop over the top of the hill, after which she is very likely to coast down the other side. Does that make it easier? Sighs. Only a little.
The fact is, I am fried. I am TIRED. My body hurts. My relationship is a far distance from what we want it to be. So I'm not doing things in a way that is perfect for me, or her, or the rest of us. I am making decisions on the fly every day. And I go to bed absolutely whipped every night. And wake up tired. I don't know all the answers. And I carry the weight of these things maybe more than most, due to my own anxiety issues. And (Hubby) doesn't deal well with anxiety, either. So we've kind of got the cards stacked against us with this stuff! But we carry on.
And yes, with two parents, you have two opinions, and it is inevitable they will conflict now and then. But perhaps having both helps a child to be more well-rounded. Sounds good, right? ;)
(DD), in some ways, holds me hostage because I am so hesitant to do things she's not comfortable with. That's not healthy for either of us. I rarely go out because she doesn't want to be away from me. (Hubby) and I very rarely go out, because she's anxious about baby sitters. While on our trip, she wouldn't sit at a dinner table while I went to get my food. She had to walk with me every where I went. On one side, I don't want her to be anxious so I tell her where I'm going all the time. On the other hand, I can't do a thing on my own! So where do you draw the line?
Sighs.
(Signed, me)
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hostage
My daughter is 5. She has undiagnosed (except by me) generalized anxiety disorder. And that's ok. But it's challenging.
One aspect of this is that transitions are challenging for her. This has always been true. The way this manifests itself these days is for her to put up tremendous opposition to moving on to the next "event." An example of this: This morning I suggested to her that we take her little brother to the library for the parent/child program. Keep in mind she has been to this program many times, and always enjoys it. And once she's there, she doesn't want to leave. And so! But regardless of this fact, she stated that she didn't want to go. As a general rule, if either of my kids really doesn't want to go out, I don't push it. We all have days where we just don't feel like facing things. But usually, they are pretty enthusiastic about heading out to have a good time. So armed with all of this knowledge, I pushed. I told her that I felt that it was good for her brother, who really enjoys being there. I reminded her that she always enjoys it, too. Etcetcetc. She stated over an over again, for an hour that she didn't want to go. So I gave her the option of staying home. With someone else. Another part of her anxiety is that she is very reluctant to stay with anyone other than me, and that includes her father a lot of the time. (SIGHS!) So of course she said no to that idea. She stated that someone else should take her brother, while I stayed home with her. Now I am real with my daughter - may more so than I should be. I informed her that I did not plan to be stuck at home all of the time because she doesn't want to go out and doesn't want to stay with someone else. (I am irritated by this point, even though it's practically a daily discussion) I inform her that she has a choice of either coming with us to the program, or staying home with someone else. And I feel good about giving her options. It makes me feel that I am not forcing her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go, that the final decision IS hers.
In any event, after trying to convince her brother that he didn't want to go (he did) she reluctantly came along. But here's the next phase of her anxiety. She is afraid to go anywhere because she's afraid she'll need to use the bathroom on the way. This is something we are working on, but it is very frustrating for all, and adds to the angst that is every outing we go on. So I do as I always do, inform her that we're leaving, and encourage her to use the bathroom. And as always, she informs me that she'll go "right before we leave." And as always I then inform her that we are heading out the door. So she goes. Then she jumps into a discussion about how she just knows she has to go again, and on and on and on. And go into my part of the discussion, which is to remind her that she just went, and that she has successfully managed car rides before this one, etcetcetc. She is actually on a reward system for this one. But that's another post.
So at long last we are all in the car, and on our way. With bathroom breaks sandwiching the program, we do actually get there, and as predicted, both kids have a good time, and darling daughter doesn't want to leave. But it is a reward of sorts for me, who is then off the hook for having "made" her go in the first place. She genuinely seems surprised, once we're out, that she is having such a good time and is happy.
But it's work. And I get tired of it. And I know it's not her fault. I know she would rather not have these issues. And I feel for her. But I feel, sometimes, too often, that I am held hostage by her anxiety issues. I rarely get out of the house or do anything without the children. When I do, I worry about getting home before too much time has gone by. And I am envious, sometimes, of the other parents who go out with other adults. On a consistent basis. Hubby and I very rarely have time together without the kids. And that's hard on us.
But I remind myself of how lucky I am. How very lucky. And we move forward. And it's all ok.
One aspect of this is that transitions are challenging for her. This has always been true. The way this manifests itself these days is for her to put up tremendous opposition to moving on to the next "event." An example of this: This morning I suggested to her that we take her little brother to the library for the parent/child program. Keep in mind she has been to this program many times, and always enjoys it. And once she's there, she doesn't want to leave. And so! But regardless of this fact, she stated that she didn't want to go. As a general rule, if either of my kids really doesn't want to go out, I don't push it. We all have days where we just don't feel like facing things. But usually, they are pretty enthusiastic about heading out to have a good time. So armed with all of this knowledge, I pushed. I told her that I felt that it was good for her brother, who really enjoys being there. I reminded her that she always enjoys it, too. Etcetcetc. She stated over an over again, for an hour that she didn't want to go. So I gave her the option of staying home. With someone else. Another part of her anxiety is that she is very reluctant to stay with anyone other than me, and that includes her father a lot of the time. (SIGHS!) So of course she said no to that idea. She stated that someone else should take her brother, while I stayed home with her. Now I am real with my daughter - may more so than I should be. I informed her that I did not plan to be stuck at home all of the time because she doesn't want to go out and doesn't want to stay with someone else. (I am irritated by this point, even though it's practically a daily discussion) I inform her that she has a choice of either coming with us to the program, or staying home with someone else. And I feel good about giving her options. It makes me feel that I am not forcing her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go, that the final decision IS hers.
In any event, after trying to convince her brother that he didn't want to go (he did) she reluctantly came along. But here's the next phase of her anxiety. She is afraid to go anywhere because she's afraid she'll need to use the bathroom on the way. This is something we are working on, but it is very frustrating for all, and adds to the angst that is every outing we go on. So I do as I always do, inform her that we're leaving, and encourage her to use the bathroom. And as always, she informs me that she'll go "right before we leave." And as always I then inform her that we are heading out the door. So she goes. Then she jumps into a discussion about how she just knows she has to go again, and on and on and on. And go into my part of the discussion, which is to remind her that she just went, and that she has successfully managed car rides before this one, etcetcetc. She is actually on a reward system for this one. But that's another post.
So at long last we are all in the car, and on our way. With bathroom breaks sandwiching the program, we do actually get there, and as predicted, both kids have a good time, and darling daughter doesn't want to leave. But it is a reward of sorts for me, who is then off the hook for having "made" her go in the first place. She genuinely seems surprised, once we're out, that she is having such a good time and is happy.
But it's work. And I get tired of it. And I know it's not her fault. I know she would rather not have these issues. And I feel for her. But I feel, sometimes, too often, that I am held hostage by her anxiety issues. I rarely get out of the house or do anything without the children. When I do, I worry about getting home before too much time has gone by. And I am envious, sometimes, of the other parents who go out with other adults. On a consistent basis. Hubby and I very rarely have time together without the kids. And that's hard on us.
But I remind myself of how lucky I am. How very lucky. And we move forward. And it's all ok.
Friday, March 19, 2010
The Parent Learning Curve 1
I am not a perfect parent. Not even close. And I'm not always clued in to my own emotions and reactions. So when I'm grumpy or impatient with my kids, I always try to follow up afterwards and apologize for being "off" or try to explain what was making me edgy, if I know. So when my kids are emotional or short-fused, although I am not always patient, I try to be understanding, or try to figure out what might be going on with them.
I have become very clear on one effect of stress in my kids. When I am tense, they are tense! Boy, what a responsibility! Sometimes I can try to force myself to remain calmer than I feel, for their sake. Other times, and more often than I care to admit, I don't hide my tension, and the result is that my anxiety spreads like wildfire. It so happens that hubby, who always tries to be supportive of me, takes on my tension as well, which often leads me to switching gears just to ease the increased tension in the room. Ultimately, the only way I can see to reduce tension in me and my family is for me to find ways to reduce mine. No one is suddenly going to burst into the room and take over, settle things down, and send me out for some decompression time. It's up to me, time and time again.
Basically, that is what my mission is all about, and why I started this blog.
This is just a lengthy lead up to an interesting and surprising discovery I made the other night. Tuesday night, as usual, I had taken the kids upstairs to get ready for bed. And, as usual, I started the process grumpy, prepared for a battle. My kids are pretty good about going upstairs when we say it's time, though they often will say they're hungry right before-hand, and shortly after dinner. (aggravating) Once we're upstairs, DD engages herself in games and drawing in her room while I sqwawk at her to get undressed, get her pjs, brush and floss.... My son also enjoys playing at this time, but he's a bit easier to get through the evening routine. DD finds joy (or perhaps it's her expression of anxiety...) in running away from me, or saying that she wants to do this or that first. I start off annoyed, and just become more so as the time goes on. Once the kids have gotten ready for bed, then the battle becomes about getting into, and staying in bed. DS is easy in this regard. Once he's in bed, for the most part, he stays there. DD, on the other hand, finds every reason under the sun to delay getting into bed, and then to get up again and again. It drives me mad. (Though I am just like her so you would think I'd be more understanding...) I had become so aggravated by this process night after night, that hubby had started to come up to help me with the whole process. Add to this the fact that DD doesn't want hubby to do anything with her, and UGG. I was ending up angry and frustrated every night, and everyone knew it very well. (sighs)
So, Tuesday. I found myself sitting in our bed, yelling, angry, focused on my plight. I was pissed. (Sorry for the language) I wouldn't let it go. I was going to make DD suffer for my state of being. And I did. And she dug in her heels, and focused completely on her hearts desire, which at the time was a styrofoam easter egg that was downstairs. I was tired of her getting out of bed, then back in, then out, then in..... Often when she gets up, my son then finds a reason to get up.....ARGH!
But, as usual, I felt terrible after they went to sleep. Awful. I questioned my reasons for getting upset. I questioned my parenting. I questioned everything. And I made a decision. As I keep saying, the way to get rid of a battle is to get rid of the battle ground. And that was up to me. I discussed my plan with hubby, who was supportive.
Wednesday night we went upstairs as usual, and the kids got "listed" as we call it. (Evening list) Hubby then went downstairs for his evening break. I explained the new plan to the kids. I spent a few minutes in DD's room playing with them, then went into our bedroom. I explained that I would be in their reading, and that I'd be happy to read to them when they were ready to go to bed. Not a long time later, my son came in and curled up with me for some reading. He soon fell asleep. I gently informed DD that it was getting late and she might be tired in the morning if she stayed up too late. She came in shortly after that, and fell asleep quickly. The next night was a repeat of that night. The third night was similar, with just a reverse order of who came to bed first. Calm, no stress, happy. What really struck me is that two nights out of three, after the kids went to sleep, I went into DD's room to find that she had CLEANED UP her stuff!!!!!!!!!!! DD is not a neat person, and typically requires about 600 reminders and help with cleaning up the simplest project. I was amazed. And what a difference in the atmosphere!! Neither kid has taken too much advantage of the freedom. They are getting into bed a bit later, but are falling asleep faster. I go downstairs a few minutes later than I was before, but I am going downstairs calm, and the kids are going to bed calm. Completely worth it.
*Here's an interesting thing. On the second night, while lying in bed, I asked my daughter how she felt about the new evening plan. She informed me that she doesn't like it. She said she wants to go back to the way it was!!! Totally surprised, I processed this a bit with her. She said she might like it if we compromise between the two. Let her stay up a little while, then start to call her to the bed. Weird!! Not a chance. =)
I have become very clear on one effect of stress in my kids. When I am tense, they are tense! Boy, what a responsibility! Sometimes I can try to force myself to remain calmer than I feel, for their sake. Other times, and more often than I care to admit, I don't hide my tension, and the result is that my anxiety spreads like wildfire. It so happens that hubby, who always tries to be supportive of me, takes on my tension as well, which often leads me to switching gears just to ease the increased tension in the room. Ultimately, the only way I can see to reduce tension in me and my family is for me to find ways to reduce mine. No one is suddenly going to burst into the room and take over, settle things down, and send me out for some decompression time. It's up to me, time and time again.
Basically, that is what my mission is all about, and why I started this blog.
This is just a lengthy lead up to an interesting and surprising discovery I made the other night. Tuesday night, as usual, I had taken the kids upstairs to get ready for bed. And, as usual, I started the process grumpy, prepared for a battle. My kids are pretty good about going upstairs when we say it's time, though they often will say they're hungry right before-hand, and shortly after dinner. (aggravating) Once we're upstairs, DD engages herself in games and drawing in her room while I sqwawk at her to get undressed, get her pjs, brush and floss.... My son also enjoys playing at this time, but he's a bit easier to get through the evening routine. DD finds joy (or perhaps it's her expression of anxiety...) in running away from me, or saying that she wants to do this or that first. I start off annoyed, and just become more so as the time goes on. Once the kids have gotten ready for bed, then the battle becomes about getting into, and staying in bed. DS is easy in this regard. Once he's in bed, for the most part, he stays there. DD, on the other hand, finds every reason under the sun to delay getting into bed, and then to get up again and again. It drives me mad. (Though I am just like her so you would think I'd be more understanding...) I had become so aggravated by this process night after night, that hubby had started to come up to help me with the whole process. Add to this the fact that DD doesn't want hubby to do anything with her, and UGG. I was ending up angry and frustrated every night, and everyone knew it very well. (sighs)
So, Tuesday. I found myself sitting in our bed, yelling, angry, focused on my plight. I was pissed. (Sorry for the language) I wouldn't let it go. I was going to make DD suffer for my state of being. And I did. And she dug in her heels, and focused completely on her hearts desire, which at the time was a styrofoam easter egg that was downstairs. I was tired of her getting out of bed, then back in, then out, then in..... Often when she gets up, my son then finds a reason to get up.....ARGH!
But, as usual, I felt terrible after they went to sleep. Awful. I questioned my reasons for getting upset. I questioned my parenting. I questioned everything. And I made a decision. As I keep saying, the way to get rid of a battle is to get rid of the battle ground. And that was up to me. I discussed my plan with hubby, who was supportive.
Wednesday night we went upstairs as usual, and the kids got "listed" as we call it. (Evening list) Hubby then went downstairs for his evening break. I explained the new plan to the kids. I spent a few minutes in DD's room playing with them, then went into our bedroom. I explained that I would be in their reading, and that I'd be happy to read to them when they were ready to go to bed. Not a long time later, my son came in and curled up with me for some reading. He soon fell asleep. I gently informed DD that it was getting late and she might be tired in the morning if she stayed up too late. She came in shortly after that, and fell asleep quickly. The next night was a repeat of that night. The third night was similar, with just a reverse order of who came to bed first. Calm, no stress, happy. What really struck me is that two nights out of three, after the kids went to sleep, I went into DD's room to find that she had CLEANED UP her stuff!!!!!!!!!!! DD is not a neat person, and typically requires about 600 reminders and help with cleaning up the simplest project. I was amazed. And what a difference in the atmosphere!! Neither kid has taken too much advantage of the freedom. They are getting into bed a bit later, but are falling asleep faster. I go downstairs a few minutes later than I was before, but I am going downstairs calm, and the kids are going to bed calm. Completely worth it.
*Here's an interesting thing. On the second night, while lying in bed, I asked my daughter how she felt about the new evening plan. She informed me that she doesn't like it. She said she wants to go back to the way it was!!! Totally surprised, I processed this a bit with her. She said she might like it if we compromise between the two. Let her stay up a little while, then start to call her to the bed. Weird!! Not a chance. =)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Intervene?
I know this is something that every parent goes through, and each finds his/her way of handling these situations. It's fairly new to me.
My daughter has made great friends in Kindergarten. She has gotten especially friendly with one little girl. It seems that this girl, who I'll call Libby, kind of took my shy daughter under he wing. DD told me several times at the beginning of the school year that "Libby is mean, but not to me." Fast forward to the beginning of this week, mid-January. DD has gotten to be very friendly with several of the other kids in her class by this point. DD tells me that she doesn't like Libby anymore. She says that Libby is mean to the other kids, and she likes the other kids. I commend her for sticking up for them. So a couple of mornings ago, DD's teacher reports to me that DD has bonded with another student in the class. Great! I respond enthusiastically to the teacher. Then the teacher informs me that Libby is feeling left out as a result and is feeling sad. She, in fact, trying to physically wedge herself between the other two. I tell the teacher what DD has told me, and also tell her that despite all of this, DD still asks to do things with Libby. "Oh good," says teacher. "The relationship is salvageable then." Are you kidding me? think I. They're 5!! They'll be over it in a day and move on most likely. I don't say this. My big dilemma is whether to discuss this with Libby's mom. We have visited with the kids and each other a couple of times, and we've gotten kind of friendly with each other. Would it be good to give her a head's up? Or would it cause more stress than the situation warrants? Or more intervention than is needed? When do you leave it to the kids, or really to the teacher, to deal with? I can, and have, spoken with DD about it, but honestly, not at great length. I think it's admirable that she has chosen to steer clear of the conflict ultimately. I don't feel that she's angry with Libby, just choosing to remove herself from the conflict. I think she's managing herself in the situation just fine. Why mess with that? I'm really not sure what the teacher was asking me to do, but I think I've done my part. Do you?
My daughter has made great friends in Kindergarten. She has gotten especially friendly with one little girl. It seems that this girl, who I'll call Libby, kind of took my shy daughter under he wing. DD told me several times at the beginning of the school year that "Libby is mean, but not to me." Fast forward to the beginning of this week, mid-January. DD has gotten to be very friendly with several of the other kids in her class by this point. DD tells me that she doesn't like Libby anymore. She says that Libby is mean to the other kids, and she likes the other kids. I commend her for sticking up for them. So a couple of mornings ago, DD's teacher reports to me that DD has bonded with another student in the class. Great! I respond enthusiastically to the teacher. Then the teacher informs me that Libby is feeling left out as a result and is feeling sad. She, in fact, trying to physically wedge herself between the other two. I tell the teacher what DD has told me, and also tell her that despite all of this, DD still asks to do things with Libby. "Oh good," says teacher. "The relationship is salvageable then." Are you kidding me? think I. They're 5!! They'll be over it in a day and move on most likely. I don't say this. My big dilemma is whether to discuss this with Libby's mom. We have visited with the kids and each other a couple of times, and we've gotten kind of friendly with each other. Would it be good to give her a head's up? Or would it cause more stress than the situation warrants? Or more intervention than is needed? When do you leave it to the kids, or really to the teacher, to deal with? I can, and have, spoken with DD about it, but honestly, not at great length. I think it's admirable that she has chosen to steer clear of the conflict ultimately. I don't feel that she's angry with Libby, just choosing to remove herself from the conflict. I think she's managing herself in the situation just fine. Why mess with that? I'm really not sure what the teacher was asking me to do, but I think I've done my part. Do you?
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