Surrounded

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Selective Mutism At My House - School Field Trips

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Selective Mutism At My House - "I Hate"

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Homeschooling

So this is where my mind has come. Time and time again. So I have been researching......

Today I discovered a school called Calvert, based in Maryland. It is both a physical school and a homeschool curriculum. And it's very interesting. The things that have overwhelmed me about the idea of homeschool are these:

*Much more work for me, when I am already overwhelmed and totally lack "me" time
*How would I know what to teach? And could I teach all that needed to be taught?
*How do I get credit for DD for having done the school year?
*Where do we find a local homeschooling community?
*How do I know if I'm pushing too much, too little (unlikely) or just the right amount (academically)?
*What about DS?

A person with whom I've gotten kind of friendly, also the kids' Kindermusik teacher, homeschools her daughter. I started to chat with her over email. She is very willing to share with me and answer my questions. She pointed me in the direction of a website that answers some of the logistical questions I have, particularly the one about getting credit for doing the work. It explains exactly what you need to do in order to inform the school district of your intention, what they will send you, how you submit an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) (I think they had another term for it, like IPEP or something like that) and how to submit quarterly progress reports. It also reviews testing requirements, and what occurs if progress is not being made. Very, very helpful.

A little more research online brought me to the website of the Calvert School. A great many more questions were answered. This is a school that will send you a complete year-long curriculum for any grade you choose, from preschool through 12th grade. This means a daily lesson plan! Wow! That takes a HUGE amount of anxiety out of the prospect. And after reading a sample lesson plan, the anxiety is down even more. It is likely far less than I would have insisted that DD do, and far more reasonable! I have no clue.

Hubby and I have discussed it a bit. His work day is his work day, not sure he is willing to be flexible with that, but maybe. If I figure it all out and present it to him in a way that looks good.

DS....well, he'd either have to attend a regular preschool, or get homeschooled also. DH does not like the idea of him being homeschooled as well. I would be ok with him attending preschool, but would he? After his two days in nursery school earlier this year, he has acted so traumatized by the whole experience I think it may be challenging........... Anyhow, that will be figured out if this ever becomes a reality.

Anyhow, I have no plans to make the switch at this time. But I am thinking it over, and I feel much better about it all after reading all of this stuff.

And thank you, dear K, for reaching out to me! My far-away friend homeschools, and she is glad she has been doing so. Her child had some difficulties in a traditional school setting, as does mine.

I welcome any thoughts or experiences please!

Down In the Valley...

Monday morning. The only day my daughter has school this week. And she's in hell. She is now saying, with great frequency, that she hates school. In the same vent she stated that "this school is the best" and yet she still hates it. And I hate forcing her to go. Day after day after day. I feel like a giant, walking conflict every morning. And it sucks. And I find myself saying in my head "I hate my life." Over and over. But is that true? No. It's not true. I love my life. No I don't. But I really COULD. I just feel that my bookshelf is toppled on the floor in a giant heap of a mess. And my daughter's is toppled on top of mine. And hubby's has toppled nearby, and is tangling in with ours. And I'm at a loss. I have undiagnosed ADD and when I see a mess, any kind of mess, I walk around in circles baffled as to where to start with cleaning it up. It is true tangibly, and it is true metaphorically. And so. I basically feel unfinished all the time. And my environment, physical and mental/emotional, is cluttered and unkempt.

And I'm the only one who can do something about it. So where to start?

Medication? Nope, I'm nursing.
Help? Whom?
Delegate more? Trying
Find a better situation for DD? Trying!!!
Find some joy for myself? Trying.
Clean my physical environment to help my mental environment? I try and try and try and get nowhere.

Anything else?

My typical day, represented in one 10 minute interval: Take a sip of coffee and set my coffee cup down. Start to walk somewhere, maybe the bathroom. Get distracted by DD, who says "You HAVE to see this!!" Go over to see whatever it is, for the 200th time that day. Speak some dully enthusiastic words to her, and start to head away. DD starts a conversation which draws me part way back. I inform her I"m headed to the bathroom. She asks if she can go too. Of course. I go, and she asks me to stay with her while she goes. Rolling my eyes, I stand near the bathroom door. She wants me to come in the room. Then DS wants to come in. I'm in the hall. DD wants DS to shut the door. She dawdles, and takes several minutes to get down to business. I am processing the fact that we have no one to care for the cats when we're going to be away, and notice that the cat box is, as usual, in need of attention. I then scold DD for playing in the bathroom sink, something that drives me crazy and she has been told endless times. Then the phone is ringing and it's DH. I'm on the phone, so the volume in the house rises exponentially. I walk away from the bathroom so I can hear, and DD is calling me back in urgent tones. Not an emergency, just her anxiety. DS is pulling the toilet paper out in a stream. DH is sounded extremely put-out by having to wait to talk while I redirect the kids. I rush them out of the bathroom, transferring his annoyance on them by being impatient and irritable. I put the tv on, and listen while my DD loudly protests my selection of shows. I walk away from the tv so I can try to hear DH, and trip over the cat, who wants to be fed. Now where did I put my coffee?

Frazzle Fried

Please, take me at my ugliest, and add more rocks and boulders to my back and shoulders. Why not?

The other day I had a total temper tantrum. I flipped my lid. I had had enough. It was day's end, and I was sitting in bed waiting, desperately waiting, for my son to fall asleep, so I could go downstairs, enjoy a beer, and get away from it all for a while. But my son would not fall asleep. And this is my routine kid! The other one has simply had to adjust to me leaving the room while she is still awake. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I flipped out. I yelled at everyone. I cried. I stomped and stormed. And then after we had all spent a spell downstairs and gone back up again, and my son DID fall asleep, and I tried to leave the room, and my daughter yelled, asking me where I was going.... I flipped again. And again we all ended up downstairs, and again I stomped and stormed and cried. Until I just got too tired. And of course realized what had been true all along. That no one. No one was going to bed until I reset myself and got back into the routine. And so I did. And we all went to bed.

Did it help? Did all of my outpouring change anything? No. It just flattened me for the next day. Although I ended up going to sleep fairly early, I felt as if I hadn't slept at all. Though hubby did decide to come home the next day (I didn't ask) in the morning and spend the day helping out. I guess my volcanic eruption may have indicated I was over the edge! And that was nice. But man did I feel bad. I yelled at everyone. I kept everyone up later than necessary. I carried on like a child. Great job, kiddo! All I got out of it was confirmation that I, too, am coming down with the awful cold that both kids have been dealing with.

Oh yeah, so there's that, too. Last weekend was DS's birthday. Sunday. But Thursday he is, out of nowhere, so sick I am worried. He is feverish, lethargic, vomiting, eating nothing, moaning.... the kid is miserable. I make the decision to cancel his birthday party for Saturday. By day's end, it is obvious that DD is getting it too, so I decide to keep her home from school on Friday. So we all hunkered down, and made the best of it. The weekend came, and hubby was here to help out. Sunday arrived, DS's birthday. Also Halloween. Thank goodness DS didn't really seem to notice or care that the party hadn't happened on Saturday. A small blessing. Sunday we celebrated as a family, giving him gifts throughout the day. He seemed very happy. We geared up for Halloween - not something you skip regardless of illness, earthquake, flood..... DD got her costume together. DS didn't want to wear one. We weren't even sure til the last minute that he would be willing to go trick or treating. But in the end, he was enthusiastic. So out we went. And it was Cold. The kids enjoyed themselves, but after a while first one, then the other, headed for home. Too cold! And DD simply wasn't feeling well enough to do more. And that was fine. The kids enjoyed answering the door for the rest of the evening.

The next morning, two ill kids came downstairs with me at 6:30 a.m. I called DD out of school again. Tuesday she went, though really she could have used the week. She was reluctant. Take a child who has anxiety issues, give her a bad cold, and completely throw her off-schedule, and you've got a picture of DD. Not happy. But she made the best of it. Regardless, illness intensifies anxiety in anyone, and for one for whom anxiety is high in a normal situation...anyhow, she's been needy, intense. But overall, pretty good. But constant. So it was Tuesday night .. and that's where I started this blog post.

Bedtime, no sleeping kids, mama flips out, everyone goes to sleep. (not DH, of course, who stays up very late in order to get his time) Wednesday the kids are up early with me, as usual. Both are ill, tired, and in need of some reassurance. DD is home again. Regardless of my needs, however acute, theirs come first. We hunker down again. Hubby calls early, and informs me of his plan to come home. And he brings food. Nice. Very nice. I have not been able to shop in days and days, and the pickins are getting slim. The day moves along. I have informed the family that I've decided to move half of our family bed (one queen mattress) into DD's room this weekend. Everyone seems ok with that. While I realize I will be playing room-tag for months to come, I need to start the process. DD is so acutely attuned to my every move at the moment, I blink my eyes in the room where she's sleeping and she wakes up. It's time to do something different. It'll be a process, I know. Maybe a lloonngg process. And hubby will very likely continue to sleep in the other room, basically adding to our time apart. (He comes home from work, and 20 min. later I go take my "break." We eat dinner together and spend time together with the kids until about 8:15 p.m., when I take them up to bed, and, most often these days, go to bed myself. He stays up late and gets up and out before we're awake.)

This morning, we're up, and while the kids watch tv, I get us ready to take DD to school. Her ability to cope is coming to an end, and she insists, over and over again, that she's not going to school. I make my best attempt to pep-talk her through, and I get her there. Before getting in the car, she tells me that I'm forcing her to go to school, and she hates me. I know she doesn't hate me, but geesh.

So DS and I are home, and I'm too tired today to even buzz around and get things done in the house. While I don't have the obvious symptoms of cold that my kids do (both kids hacking up a lung this morning =( I'm fighting the bug, too. Popping ears, no energy...

To add to this, I've been trying (unsuccessfully so far) to connect with a professional to help us help DD with her anxiety issues. I have called three providers so far, with no luck. I'll just keep trying...

Ok, I'm drained. Enough for now. Off to drink my water with lemon. =) And for the record, I write all of this stuff not to elicit sympathy but to "dump my bookshelf" so that I can rethink and reorganize. It really does help me to get my head around it all. So if you've come this far, thanks for reading.

Calmer Seas (child anxiety)

Time to update on DD.

Things are settling down nicely. Phew! DD's biggest complaint after school yesterday was that someone had moved her plant. =) I got a nice email from her teacher yesterday, too, that said that during a movement class, DD had gotten up in front of the class with another student and done a dance! Ok, she has officially surpassed me. I don't do that!! Very proud I am, yes indeedy.

That doesn't mean that she doesn't still get anxious in the mornings. She does. Dry heaves are not uncommon. Or the complaint of a belly ache. But she likes school.

We went to a school picnic two days ago. Several kids came up to her asking if she wanted to play with them, or sit on their picnic blanket with them, etc. It was very cool. She shied away from them for the most part, but I think that was more a result of me and her father and other parents being there. Something tells me she would have been off with them in a flash had it been school recess or something. And occasionally during the night she would forget herself and start to run off. Very good stuff.

I am working with her on reading every night now, as she won't read to the teachers at school. But I am not giving her a hard time about it. As I've been telling hubby in the evenings, she's made such incredible strides, and completely because she chose to, that I do not feel the need to pressure her about the reading and lessons at this point. I'll just work with her at home to be sure she's keeping up. Her reading is very slow and reluctant. We worked on it a bunch this summer, but a couple weeks before starting the new school, we stopped. It really shows that she hasn't been working on it for a while. Her confidence has decreased, and her reading is elementary at best. But she'll get there. When she decides to!

And a quick note on the little girl in DD's class. DD told me a few days ago that she thought this girl wanted to be friends with everyone in the class but her. That seems to have completely changed. For one, she approached DD a lot during the picnic, and was very friendly with her. Then I get the email from the teacher saying they performed a dance together for the class. And DD informed me yesterday that this same little girl has invited DD to come to her house on Halloween. Awright! =)

Words from a proud Mama!

SIGH (parenting)

Maybe I beating this topic to death, but I think it helps me to vent when I'm in the thick of all of this.

First of all, darling daughter IS adjusting to her new school, and seems happy enough most days. But she is throwing up every morning before we leave. Today she couldn't eat anything, and was panicked about having not eaten before going to school. I wasn't too worried about that because I know that she can grab a snack at school whenever she feels the need. Anyhow...

So today DS and I picked her up, and all was well. In fact, the kids miss each other a lot during the day, so they're very cute after school. He had told me during the day that he missed her. She came home with a picture she drew for him, with his name written all over it. Cute. Nice.

So at some point, we were just talking, and somehow the topic came up of a function my husband and I have to participate in for our son's school. It's a fund raiser, and we're being asked to work two five hour shifts to help with it. Of course my first thought was that there was no way I would get away with being gone for five hours at a stretch, so hubby and I had already agreed that we'd split the shifts. So anyhow, my daughter and I were talking, and the subject of the fund raiser came up. She asked what it was. I explained it to her, and she was excited at first. She wanted to be involved. I explained that it might be fun for a while, but five hours in a row might be a lot for her. I explained that she and her brother would just hang out with whichever of us wasn't working. She immediately got upset, saying she was going to stay with me wherever I was. I explained that I would be working, and it might get boring. She then said she'd stay home. I told her that was fine, she would only need to leave the house briefly so that hubby could come relieve me, or vice versa. She became so upset by this thought that she actually broke out in tears. (She is SIX years old) She said she was concerned about needing to use the bathroom on the drive. UGH. I told her that she'd be driving in to town and back. She went on and on about it. I told her she was being ridiculous. She said she wouldn't drive with her papa because of the bathroom. My entire insides felt like they became tied in knots. Seriously, this is getting beyond ridiculous, and it ticks me off that I have to be so confined by her anxiety!! I am so sympathetic so much of the time, but when I can't move, I get annoyed. Pissed! Anyhow, she asked me how long there was until the fund raiser. I told her that it is a MONTH away, but that even if it was a day away it shouldn't matter, because it really is not a big deal! I told her it was an obligation that her father and I have, and that it really has nothing to do with her. But she is insisting that she won't leave the house while I am away! So now my husband will be confined to the house during those shifts, not to mention our son. It's so frustrating! I suggested that we might have to get a babysitter because hubby and I will have to leave the house. She actually agreed to that plan, and said that grandma would need to stay at the house with her, and that our son would have to be with her! Her conditions are maddening!! Yes, folks, we're talking about something that is not occurring for a month! Oh!

Just needed to vent. =)

First Day of School Part Three - YEAH!

I sat at the kitchen table after writing "Part 2" and tapped my foot on the floor. And waited very anxiously for it to be time to go get DD. Finally the time came, and after using the loo several times (one of my anxious tendencies) I collected DS from the couch and got into the car.

I arrived at the school and hoped I was stopped in the right spot: I was the only one there. But a short while later, cars started lining up behind me, which put my mind at ease. And then I waited. And waited. And waited!! It was only about 7 minutes, but my heart was beating out of my chest. The door opened....nope. It was someone else. It opened again....nope. Someone else. Argh! The door opened, and out walked a line of children, and.... there she was!. Before she got to me, the Head of School informed me that she had a great first day of school. She was telling me a list of things she participated in today, but none of it sunk in. I was focused on her! She got to me, I took her stuff, and put it, and her, in the car. Then DD's teacher was calling my name. (uh-oh?) She came up to me and told me the same thing, that DD had had a fantastic first day of school. She informed me that she wanted to tell DD that. For sure! So she opened DD's door, and said the same thing to her. Then off we went. I wanted to hear from HER!

And yes, she really DID have a good day! She told me about this and that. But the things that stood out, the main things that were plaguing my mind, were these: She told me that the second time she used the bathroom, there were no towels left to wipe her hands with, so she had to use her shirt. SHE USED THE BATHROOM AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahem. Scuse me. The other thing that had me doing cartwheels was that she ATE AT SCHOOL, TOO. SHE ATE AT SCHOOL!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course the way I responded was to 1) ask her if she was wet all day and 2) to  listen while she told me that they turn the lights off and light a candle at lunch time, and in neither case did I get spazzy and let her know how THRILLED I was that she chose to move on in both of these situations, both of which cause her incredibly intense anxiety at her former school. AND ON THE FIRST DAY! GO GIRL GO!

So after chatting about school for a while, I asked her what her favorite part of the school day was. She said she didn't have a favorite part, IT WAS ALL FUN.

I asked her if she's nervous about going to school tomorrow. She said, "a little bit."

Proud doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I am in awe of her ability to move herself through and past her anxieties. I know, I know. It's not the end of the story yet. We have a lot more to face, with a new place, new people, and a new set of expectations, but I have been stressing today for MONTHS, and I am so happy that it went so well! =)=)=)

First Day of School Part Two

Before driving away from my highly nervous daughter this morning, I informed her teacher that I would call in an hour or two to check in, to which she replied, "sure." I didn't want to call too soon and give the impression that I was going to be a pain. I didn't want to wait too long and give the impression that I didn't really care. I called at 11:20 a.m., after DD had been at her new school for two hours.

The phone was answered by the mother of one of DD's classmates, who works at the school a couple of times a week. This is someone I have met, and the mother of the girl I tried four times to get together with this summer, without success. Anyhow, we are familiar with each other, and I identified myself. I told her I was just calling to check in. She informed me that the teacher had been to the office to inform her that I would be calling, and to tell me that DD is "doing fantastic. No tears."

Well. That was certainly nice to hear. Now I get it that they don't know her, and maybe she is just "dealing." She has never been one to carry on and on. But I am glad to know that she is facing it with swords blazing. I can't wait to see her later!

25 minutes til I leave to pick her up. DS is napping! I forgot about that possibility! Time to myself that was completely unanticipated. Cool!

But I do look forward to getting my dear girl and bringing her home again. Starting a day with that much anxiety, and facing anything with swords blazing inevitably will result in one wrung-out, tired, and likely starving little girl. Tick-tock...

First Day of School

DD has been at school now for 30 minutes.

I woke DD up at about 6:50 a.m. She got up right away. I carried her downstairs and set her on the couch where her little brother was waiting for her.

I made breakfast, and gave it to them.

Both kids enthusiastically assisted with the transfer of the fish from their temporary home back to the plastic fishy bags that came from the pet store.

I get dressed. Hubby notes that we had better get DD dressed. It was fast approaching 8:00 a.m. Got DD dressed, and she's just starting to show signs of stress. I grab her shoes, and she tells me she wants to put them on herself. (Neat) I head of to put stuff in the car, and the full panic attack hits. And DS starts to get into the act, too. While hubby bolts the door to keep DS inside, DD bolts upstairs and locks herself in her room, screaming. I go right up behind her and unlock the door. A surprised girl then screams some more and crawls into her closet. I gently extract her, trying to gently reassure her. I start to walk with her, and she tells me that she will walk herself. (Again, impressive!) I ask her if she will walk herself. She gets down and does so. DD then needs to go to the bathroom. I wait for her to do so, with a real urgency to get out the door for DS's sake, as he has entered full panic mode at this point. DD finishes, and we head out the door. I clip her in and hand her the fish. We drive. DD self talks all the way. She processes the bathroom (she never used the bathroom on her own at her former school) She wants to identify a friend to inform if she needs to call me to help her in the bathroom. I remind her that if she has to go, she just goes. She processes this, saying that she'll go right when she gets there, right before every class, and before going out for recess. She adds here and there that she'll go if her pull-up leaks. Yep, she insisted on wearing a pull-up today. I reminded her that she shouldn't need to use it, it's just there for reassurance. And so forth. She actually said at one point that she doesn't know why she gets nervous. I took that opportunity to remind her that sometimes people with a lot of anxiety see low-stress situations as being very threatening until we become familiar with them. Etc. I was really impressed with her processing. She did have a panic attack, but then faced the situation maturely (she is only 6 years old!) and faced it like the brave warrior that she is.

We arrived. One of the teachers is waiting on the curb (forget her name - damn!) and greets us. Immediately DD's head teacher is there, and greets DD in her mellow style. She delves right in to talking about the fish (awesome) and asks DD about their names. DD answers her confidently. (Atta girl!!) Teacher says bye to me, and I drive away. I watch as DD walks with the teacher. DD carries her back pack (which I said was empty but isn't - it has her lunch. Shoot - hope she finds it!) Teacher carries her heavy bag of school supplies. She glanced at it with a slightly surprised look (hey, it's only stuff they said they require!) and carried that in for DD.

And so. I stopped at the Y as planned, and went home. And found that hubby and DS were gone. Hm. I predicted that DS was so upset that hubby didn't know what else to do with him but drive. I called him, and that's basically what transpired. They returned a minute later. Both were calm. I hugged DS and talked to him a little bit about the morning, and said that we were all nervous this morning, but we're all ok now. He said he was ok. I got hubby up to speed with the drop-off, and he left for work.

So now I watch the clock a little, write this, spend time with DS, and try to have awareness of my own tension. (I feel exhausted, slightly pre-headachey, and anxious to have the day be done) But I move forward. DS wants to play computer games, so that's what we'll do. Then DD's best friend's mom invited me and DS to go meet her and her kids for a picnic at a local park. So we'll plan to go do that. And we'll go from there.

Breathe in, breathe out. Love you, sweetheart. And thinking of you nonstop.

Montessori - Latest visit

So we visited. This morning. For an hour and a half.

Let's just say the teacher and Head of School got a good idea of what they may be up against in the first weeks of school. Hm.

At the moment, they have camp going on in the classroom where DD will have school. The room was filled with quiet, busy children. DS marched right in, as is his style. DD timidly followed him. The HOS had informed the teacher that DD would be coming in, so she made a point to come spend time with us. DD from the start was more timid with both of them than the last time. The teacher attempted several times to engage DD in conversation, with little response. She did sit with the two of them and engaged in the "work" that DS had chosen. (A bead-stacking game) I scootched back a bit to try to give them a little space. DD was very aware of my every movement! At one point the HOS asked me to come meet with her in her office. DD would have none of that. She informed me that she would be coming with me. The HOS decided to wait on the meeting. I decided to walk around the room, and informed DD that I was doing so. She insisted on going with me, even though I informed her I'd be in her line of sight at all times. The teacher than informed DD that I would be going into a meeting, and DD threw a fit. She insisted on going, too. She was informed that she would need to sit outside the door. When the teacher attempted to close the door, DD pitched a fit. I suggested we leave the door open a crack, and she agreed to that. While I spoke with the HOS, DD counted to 100 twice. She then informed me she had done so, and agreed to count again. Etc. Several times during the meeting, DS walked in, and was guided out again. Sighs. This just sucks! Anyhow, the HOS showed me a book on anxiety that she had bought, and gave it to me to borrow for two days. I like that she is doing her homework on this stuff. That's cool. And reassuring. The teacher seems more firm. The HOS asked me, point blank, if I would give the teacher permission to carry DD in to school on the first day if need be. I (sick to my stomach) said yes. Have I mentioned that this sucks?

Anyhow, that's how it went. The kids played on the playground for a few minutes after we left, and DS cried when we left saying he would miss the kids! Different kids!!

When we got home, I asked DD if, anxieties aside, she thought she could like the school. She said yes. And she is focusing (kudos to her!) on getting her own fish for the classroom fish tank, and did leave the school discussing that with the teacher, who said she couldn't wait to see it.

Blagh. Orientation night, for parents, on Thursday.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

School will be starting again soon. Very soon. 14 days. But writing that makes it feel as if it's not really that soon, so already I feel a bit better writing this down. But it's still looming. And I feel it in every cell of my body. Ugh.

Here's the deal. DD is extremely anxious about school. I have written a little about this before. She has what I call an unofficially diagnosed anxiety disorder. Whatever that means. What it means in real life is that she handles transitions differently than the "average" child. This is true for small transitions, such as a friend arriving or leaving, to huge transitions, such as starting a new school. She handles the smaller transitions by never saying hello or goodbye when people arrive or leave (that includes strangers or those who are close to her, including me.) She handles the bigger transitions in direct ways ("I won't be going to school) and indirect ways (large fear of needing to use the bathroom while at school, which became such an intense focus during the end of the last school year that it spanned the summer break.)

To add to this, DD is being parented by not one, but two people who also have some difficulty managing anxiety effectively. Ak! For my part, I'm not always sure I can make the best decisions for her based on my tendency to avoid stressful situations myself. I spend a lot of time processing and questioning every situation. I also come at all of this with a bit of impatience. Not lack of empathy. Of that I have plenty. But I do become impatient easily. And so.

This year, DD will be attending a new school. No, not the easiest thing for a child with transition issues. But I strongly feel that the potential benefits of the new school will make the transition worth while. I am so hopeful!!

When faced with a transition, I try to mentally pull myself back from the situation and look at it objectively. What makes a new situation less scary? Familiarity, right? So I've made it my job to help DD become familiar with the new school. I tried on four different occasions to get together with the family of another girl who attends the new school. When I visited the school with DD (the visits are normally drop-off, but not with DD! She would have none of that.) there were three girls who approached us, after we had been there for an hour, to gently say hello. There was one who especially impressed me as being someone that DD might bond with. I contacted her mother, who readily agreed to get together with us. But after four attempts, and four times of it not working out on their end, I gave up. Damn! I kept in close contact with the Head of School, and communicated openly with her about DD's anxieties and the potential for a difficult initial transition. She agreed with me that several visits to the school during the summer would be a good idea. This has translated into two visits (sighs,) the second of which is today. Just before the first visit a couple of weeks ago, the Head of School informed me that the Lower Elementary school teacher had announced that she was leaving. Ok, glad we didn't bond too much with her! The visit was scheduled on a day the new teacher would be there setting up. They had summer camp going on that day, and DD and DS got to see that in action. They were invited into the room with the kids, and DS quickly jumped in. In her style, DD followed him. I had that opportunity to talk with the new teacher, and the HOS, for a few minutes. DD came back to check in with me about once every two minutes. DS ignored me completely. Different kids!! The teacher made attempts to talk with DD, which were fairly successful. To her credit, she asked DD about things she was interested in, taking the spot light off of her. This is a very good tactic with DD, and she spoke freely about her garden and her cats. We had the opportunity to go out on the playground for a few minutes before leaving. DD very much wanted to go back in to say goodbye - a very good sign. I had spoken with the HOS about the camp program, and thought that it would be a very good thing for both kids to attend one week of camp. DD could get more used to the classroom she would be in, and she could be there with DS for the week. Can you guess how that went over? She flat out refused, saying she would just start school there. Ok.....

That visit was two weeks ago. In the meantime, we have had to purchase some supplies and start planning for the start of school. Of course this has meant increased anxiety on DD's part, and a few "I'm not going to school"s. And an increased concern about the bathroom.

You see, DD refuses to use the bathroom at school. Unless I'm there. Which I'm not. At the end of last school year, she was wearing a pull-up. No kidding. It was the difference between going to school a little tearful and nervous, and her having a full-out panic attack at drop-off. And this was a school she had been at for two years. It's not that she is unable. She is perfectly independent in this area at home, and often will insist on going on her own while we're out. (yay!) But not at school.

So yesterday I made the decision to offer her the pull-up option for the first week of school. Oh I didn't want to do that! But DD will also be asked to walk in to the school, from my car, with the teacher, and not me. And that's new. And scary. And huge. And after all, is it really that big a deal? Can we focus on a few mountains at a time? Will her stubborn-ness make that a bad decision in the long run? Will the new school make me proud of my decision and ease her anxiety enough to encourage her to face her fears in this area? At what point do I push? And how hard?

Let me add to all of this that DD also won't eat at school. Is this because eating results in need of the bathroom? Yes, probably. But she also doesn't like to do anything that people can watch her doing, without her approval, and that includes eating. This became an issue back in pre-k, at snack time. The kids were asked the "question of the day" while the ate, and DD refused both!

And so on.

So I'm a nervous wreck. And trying not to show it!! And of course kids are very aware.

To the school's credit, they are working with me to help her. The HOS bought a book on child anxiety. She has offered some ideas, such as suggesting DD have her own fish in the class fish tank. (Nice one! DD is very psyched about this!) And she has been very open to talking with me.

So today we visit again. And the countdown is on. Breathe in, breathe out. I just reminded her, and got an emphatic "No! I don't want to!" Ohhhhhhh.......

Hostage

My daughter is 5. She has undiagnosed (except by me) generalized anxiety disorder. And that's ok. But it's challenging.

One aspect of this is that transitions are challenging for her. This has always been true. The way this manifests itself these days is for her to put up tremendous opposition to moving on to the next "event." An example of this: This morning I suggested to her that we take her little brother to the library for the parent/child program. Keep in mind she has been to this program many times, and always enjoys it. And once she's there, she doesn't want to leave. And so! But regardless of this fact, she stated that she didn't want to go. As a general rule, if either of my kids really doesn't want to go out, I don't push it. We all have days where we just don't feel like facing things. But usually, they are pretty enthusiastic about heading out to have a good time. So armed with all of this knowledge, I pushed. I told her that I felt that it was good for her brother, who really enjoys being there. I reminded her that she always enjoys it, too. Etcetcetc. She stated over an over again, for an hour that she didn't want to go. So I gave her the option of staying home. With someone else. Another part of her anxiety is that she is very reluctant to stay with anyone other than me, and that includes her father a lot of the time. (SIGHS!) So of course she said no to that idea. She stated that someone else should take her brother, while I stayed home with her. Now I am real with my daughter - may more so than I should be. I informed her that I did not plan to be stuck at home all of the time because she doesn't want to go out and doesn't want to stay with someone else. (I am irritated by this point, even though it's practically a daily discussion) I inform her that she has a choice of either coming with us to the program, or staying home with someone else. And I feel good about giving her options. It makes me feel that I am not forcing her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go, that the final decision IS hers.

In any event, after trying to convince her brother that he didn't want to go (he did) she reluctantly came along. But here's the next phase of her anxiety. She is afraid to go anywhere because she's afraid she'll need to use the bathroom on the way. This is something we are working on, but it is very frustrating for all, and adds to the angst that is every outing we go on. So I do as I always do, inform her that we're leaving, and encourage her to use the bathroom. And as always, she informs me that she'll go "right before we leave." And as always I then inform her that we are heading out the door. So she goes. Then she jumps into a discussion about how she just knows she has to go again, and on and on and on. And go into my part of the discussion, which is to remind her that she just went, and that she has successfully managed car rides before this one, etcetcetc. She is actually on a reward system for this one. But that's another post.

So at long last we are all in the car, and on our way. With bathroom breaks sandwiching the program, we do actually get there, and as predicted, both kids have a good time, and darling daughter doesn't want to leave. But it is a reward of sorts for me, who is then off the hook for having "made" her go in the first place. She genuinely seems surprised, once we're out, that she is having such a good time and is happy.

But it's work. And I get tired of it. And I know it's not her fault. I know she would rather not have these issues. And I feel for her. But I feel, sometimes, too often, that I am held hostage by her anxiety issues. I rarely get out of the house or do anything without the children. When I do, I worry about getting home before too much time has gone by. And I am envious, sometimes, of the other parents who go out with other adults. On a consistent basis. Hubby and I very rarely have time together without the kids. And that's hard on us.

But I remind myself of how lucky I am. How very lucky. And we move forward. And it's all ok.

Selective Mutism

My daughter is having a tough time at school at the moment. Mostly at school. I wrote about it recently: Peace in Patterns?

This morning I received an email from my daughter's kindergarten teacher:

Just wanted to let you know how much (Dear Daughter) has been in my thoughts this week.  I know she is going through a lot of anxiety and you must be too!  If you want to talk, let me know.

Also, I am attaching a website for you to look at.  I am not an expert, but I think that many of (DD's) behaviors fit the profile of selective mutism.  I thought you might want to look at it.  I am always an advocate for too much information rather than not enough. 


(Signed DD's teacher)


She included this link.


I was floored. Not only did this "diagnosis" basically describe my daughter to a T, but it also described ME! Well! I'm floored. I immediately told dear hubby about it, and sent him the link. Basically, in a nutshell, it describes a child who, in certain situations, becomes so anxious, he/she literally cannot speak. The fear of the situation is all consuming. That's us. That's US! I dealt with that fear all the way through school, including college. And now it's affecting her, too. Wow.


I encourage anyone interested to go to the link above. It's a lot to read, but it's fascinating. And being one who is totally intensely shy in certain situations, I especially appreciated the emphasized point that in treatment, the child is not to be forced to speak! The emphasis is on making the child feel comfortable and understood. It emphasized that parents and teachers should support the child in every situation, and praise him/her for what he/she is able to do, when the timing is right. 


Yes, the treatment suggestions include therapy and maybe medicine, which I'm not crazy about, but I understand that it could be helpful in some ways. 


Regardless, I am excited to know more about this "diagnosis" and to know what we can do to help DD manage her anxiety. If I can learn how to manage mine at the same time, double bonus. But I have created a mostly low-stress environment around myself, so my need is not acute. 


But she's got years and years of scary school/other situations to face, so if we can make that less awful, well, let's do it. 


THANKS S!!

Peace In Patterns?

My daughter, who is 5 1/2, experiences a higher degree of anxiety in certain situations than other kids her age. While this is true in her every day life, her anxiety peaks at certain times, or in certain situations. She is currently experiencing a peak.

The source of her anxiety, on the surface, is that she is afraid to use the bathroom at school. This has been true since she started pre-k, last year. She has refused to go all this time. Amazingly, only twice during the last two school years, she has had accidents. Twice! That's pretty incredible, considering she is at school this year for six hours at a time. I couldn't do it, that is for sure! That being said, she has not been particularly stressed about all of this. She simply made her mind up that she wasn't going to go while at school, and she hasn't. So last week, seemingly out of the blue, she decided to start thinking about it. Recently she has made some other changes at school as well. She used the water fountain during the school day, and she considered eating a treat during various birthday celebrations at school. Big changes for her.

Anyhow, I said that the source of her anxiety on the surface is the issue of the bathroom. Having experienced her surge in anxiety last year at just about this time, I think that the true source of the anxiety is the impending end of the school year, the change in routine that summer vacation brings, and the knowledge that she will be attending a different school next year.

But she's five, she can't recognize that, so she's projecting her fears on something much more tangible. This year it's the bathroom. Last year it was an obsessive fear of swallowing inappropriate things.

I realized the pattern sort of accidentally. Last year as DD faced her fears and dealt with a surge in anxiety that lasted for weeks, I considered seeking help from a professional. I got as far as asking a friend of mine, who is a child psychiatrist, to recommend someone to us. She sent me an email with the names of a few of her peers. I never contacted them, but appreciated having the resources. Just the other day, I went through the same thought process, and wondered if I still had the email from my friend. I did. While rereading it, I noticed the date on it, and I realized that the seeming random anxiety surge may not really be so random. It brought relief, in a way. If she got through it last year, which, of course she did, then chances are she will get through it this time, too. And perhaps reminding her of last year's situation will help to ease her mind a bit, as well. Maybe it will help her to see the source of her anxiety more clearly. At least for me, defining the nature of the beast makes it much easier to battle.

That being said, it's still really tough to know what to do while in the thick of it. DD becomes so upset at times that she cries and cries, and I just want to take her in my arms and never let go. Then there are times when she has talked about the current focal point to the point of utter madness, and I become so frustrated that I get angry. I'm not proud of that, but how many times in a day can one person listen to "I think I need to go again" ? It was hell leaving her at school this morning, crying. I knew that she needed to face today, as she had spent the entire weekend agonizing about it, and if we avoided it, it would just turn into tomorrow, or the next day, or the next..... Sometimes the only way is through. But it's no fun knowing that and trying to tell someone you love, someone who breaks your heart into bits with every tear, that that's the case. It sucks!

In any event, perhaps as this "episode" passes, we can learn more about how she works, how anxiety works, and how we can help to make the next "episode" less intense. And perhaps it is time to allow someone else to advise us on the process. I'm sad for her. And I'm so, so proud of her! I know, and I keep reminding hubby too, that she is dealing with all of this because she is growing. She is facing things she has been afraid to face in the past. And she is afraid now! But she is facing it. And for that I swell with pride.

Montessori - DD's Visit

Today is the day DD went to visit at our local Montessori school. I admit, I have been anxious about this visit. My daughter is very shy, very self-conscious, and very stubborn. This combination means that in any new situation it is pretty much guaranteed that 1) DD will hang on to my tightly, to the point where she will literally climb up me. She will hide behind me. 2) If anyone speaks to her, she will bow her head down and turn into me. 3) She will refuse to engage in any way. I have lived with her all of her life, and know this about her. So I informed anyone who would listen over there ahead of time that it was very likely I would not be able to leave during her visit. I wanted them to know so there would be no surprises on that front. DD did not disappoint. She clung to me, she hid behind me, and she didn't respond when the teacher greeted her. Nobody responded to this in any way. The teacher did inform me that it would be idea if I was able to sit aside and observe while DD joined the group, and I told her I would try. That never happened. The teacher realized right away that I was going to be part of this visit, and that where I went, DD went. No problem. The kids, for the most part, ignored us. We were not formally introduced to the group. The teacher, after a few minutes, brought DD an "art bin" as she knew that DD enjoys drawing. I took the initiative to run with this, and got her some paper and drew with her. A short while later the teacher rang a bell, indicating it was circle time. I informed DD that it would be nice if she joined the circle while I watched. No go. I sat in a chair close to the circle and DD sat on the floor, at first on my feet, then next to them. I observed that as circle time went on (teacher read a story and discussed rain forest animals with the children) DD became more relaxed, and leaned away from me a bit while watching the group. I also observed that one of the students did not come to circle time, but instead wandered around the room and did something on a piece of paper. When I later asked about this, the teacher said that this particular student sometimes comes to circle and sometimes not, but it is the Montessori policy to have the students go with their own flow, and so they allow him to do what feels right at the time. I later pointed this out to DD. After circle time the students went back to their work (each doing as he/she pleased as long as it was on his/her plan for the day) and we chose then to draw on the carpet where circle time had been. DD continued to stay close, but did engage in her drawing. After a while, three girls walked slowly in our direction, obviously looking to say hello. When they saw it was fine with us, then came up, and began to talk (with me.) They showed interest in DD's drawing, and praised her work. =) We chatted with them for a while (I chatted, DD listened and drew) and I asked them some questions about their classes. It was wonderful to have the kids show interest, and in such a gentle and calm way! They then returned to their tasks. The teacher approached me and informed me that she typically "interviews" perspective students, but that she really didn't want to pressure DD, and wanted her to have "fun" on her visit, so she thought she would chat with me instead. (Huge brownie points for teacher!!) She asked me a couple of questions about where DD is academically, and asked what she enjoys doing. DD interjected, in my hear, that she loves gym, something I didn't know! We chatted for a couple of minutes, and the teacher informed me and DD that as a kid in school, she herself was timid, and was very uncomfortable being called on, and that is part of the reason she sought out Montessori education as a teacher. (More brownie points!) She then folded herself back into the classroom, and DD and I continued drawing and observing. Shortly after this, DD got up, walked a little distance from me, and actively watched the other kids in the room. We said our goodbyes, and walked to the car. I asked her what she thought. On the ride home, she said, "I could like Montessori." Then a minute later, "I like it." After getting home, she said she would have liked to have recess there. Wow!

PHEW. I could feel her anxiety dropping the whole time we were there. The teacher invited us to come again to visit at the end of the summer. She said, as I knew, that the classroom would be in a different part of the building, so things would look a bit different. She said also that DD would have a cubby by then, as well as her books and such, so she could see that stuff before school started. Awesome.

I am hoping to maybe connect with the mom of one of the girls in the class who is also going into 1st grade next year, and who seemed so sweet. I think between having met the teacher, having seen what the day is like, and connecting with one of the kids, we could have a pretty smooth transition in the fall. Wouldn't that be something.

Montessori - On Our Way

We have made the decision to switch DD from her current school to our local Montessori. She has been positive about this switch. Well, that was until I told her that we'd be going next week to have her visit in the classroom. Then she became very emotional and stated that she hates school. She also told me that I shouldn't have told her. I know her pretty well and I feel that telling her a week ahead of time would give her time to get her head around the situation and be prepared. But shoot. Anyhow....

I accepted an invitation for DD to spend two hours in the classroom next Wednesday. Along with my email acceptance, I informed the head of school that DD transitions slowly, and is likely to be uncomfortable with my leaving her there. I told her that I would, in that situation, either stay with her or remove her, but that I didn't want to leave her there in great distress. I suggested that perhaps allowing DD to meet the teacher ahead of time would help ease some of her anxiety around the visit. To their great credit, they've invited us to come after school the day before to meet the teacher and see the classroom. Great. I informed DD of this yesterday (with some trepidation) and she seemed to take it in her stride. She actually asked me a little bit about the teacher. Cool.... I am taking DD out of school for the day on Weds. Though maybe it would be better to have her return to her school for the afternoon, I sort of think that have her focus on one school at a time makes more sense. (Tuesday will be an exception to this, but it's just a brief visit...)

Anyhow, I'm constantly questioning our decision these days, and am so hopeful we've made the right one. My personal challenge at the moment is to keep myself focused with her at her current school. In my mind, we've already made the switch! But she's still got three months at her current school-a lifetime to a 5-year-old. A meeting this morning with her current teacher which focused on goals for the remainder of the year has grounded me some. But I am anxious to move on. Time to settle down and be with her where she is.

Self-Conscious She, Self-Conscious Me

My daughter is 5 years old, and intensely self-conscious. Sometimes. And very, very timid. Sometimes. And it's a little unpredictable. So starting school last year was challenging for us all. Now she's midway through Kindergarten. And in my eyes, knowing her as I do, she is doing incredibly well! She has no problem when I leave her at school in the morning. (anymore) She reports having a good day, every day. By report she is doing well at school. She comes home enthusiastic about what she's done at school, and loves to write and draw. She's made loads of friends, and the kids really seem to love her. Before school started, she would barely engage with other kids at all. All great stuff.

But, she refuses to eat at school. She won't use the bathroom at school, ever, unless I am there. She won't throw anything away at school. Not ever.

My interpretation? My daughter is making the best of the situation, but is taking control wherever she feels she can. Because otherwise she feels completely out of control of the situation.

So, after two months of the school year had passed and my daughter had not eaten anything for snack or lunch, I decided it was time to act. The school felt the same. So I started to put things in place to "encourage" her to eat. Or really, to discourage her from NOT eating. I told her she could have no sweets at home on the days she didn't eat. I took away after school outings. And so forth. And the school, from what I've been told, informed her that she had to have at least three bites of food at each meal. They threatened to take recess away from her, her favorite part of the school day. All of this, or some of this, worked. She started eating at school. Granted she turned "at least three bites" into "I only have to eat three bites," but she ate. Then she got incredibly picky about what her lunch could be. We ended up giving her 6 bites of pizza every day. Three bites for snack, three bites for lunch. For weeks. Then suddenly, two weeks ago, she stopped eating. Every day, when I picked her up, she would inform me that she hadn't eaten that day. She was upfront about it, but had no explanation. The only thing she could come up with was that there was a teacher watching over lunch who did not usually do so. This threw her off. But how does that explain a run of not eating, which, to this point, has been two and a half weeks?

Sighs. So I decided to take a different approach this time. Instead of approach it as a discipline problem, which I never thought it was to begin with, I decided it was time to try to find out what makes her so anxious that she needs to take control in these ways. I didn't feel like giving her consequences for something that she herself doesn't understand. Let me add that the school, of course, has noticed, and has appealed to me to act in some way. Or decide what should be done about it. I have mentioned, twice, that I want to figure out what the problem is, instead of making the resulting eating issues the problem. Does that make sense? One teacher stated that perhaps part of it was anxiety and part was behavioral. Regardless....

So today, with some pressure from school, I discussed the situation with DD in the car on the way home. At first, she told me that she couldn't talk with me. Then she said that she doesn't like people watching her, and wants to eat by herself. I told her that this was not really possible at school, as it was expected that the group eat together. I asked her if she would eat if she could sit near the group but on her own (she had been doing this at the beginning of the year. Not eating, but sitting separately) and she said yes. Hm. So I emailed her teacher, and I await a reply.

There are a couple of other situations at school where the school feels DD should be made to conform to the school-day routine and DD feels differently. One is greeting other students in front of the entire school each morning. She puts her head down and refuses. Another is speaking up in class. Again, unless she is feeling confident at that moment, she won't.

I am curious. What would you do? Would you insist that she get with the program and do what the school expects her to do without question? Would you accept your child's discomfort and try to find a way for her to fit in while keeping her desires/comfort level in mind? Would you seek an environment that suited your child's temperament better? (i.e. Montessori, where no child is forced to speak in front of the class unless he/she chooses to)Thanks for your thoughts.