Surrounded

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Confused

Sometimes I wonder if challenges are placed in front of me for a reason.

I know that many people before me have wondered the same thing. Perhaps those with faith are more familiar with these feelings. I don't know. I am not a religious person, but I have spiritual ideas sometimes.

Perhaps it is like being in a giant maze. When we keep insisting on going down the "wrong" passageway, a wall is put up again and again, blocking us from moving forward, until we realize we have no other choice but to turn, one way or another.

My body hurts from hitting the walls.

My job at the moment is raising my children. And I work on it, day in, and day out, and sometimes during the night. I work hard. I allow myself little room for selfishness. I am trying, really trying, to be a good mother to my children. One has a real anxiety issue. It effects everything we all do, day after day after day. As with any "dis" ability I do my best to help her navigate these waters. And it's not easy. She hits those maze walls so much more often than the rest of us seem to. But she bounces back and tries again. And again. And again. So while I rub my bruises, I try to rub hers. To get in the way so she doesn't hit so often. To help her understand the need to regroup and set out again. And to go easy on herself. Add to that our little guy, who charges ahead in the maze, finds others along the way who want to and are willing to help him navigate his way, panics, and runs back to me and DD. And back, and forth... "Mama do it!" So to all of this bouncing and running and turning around in circles add DH, who jumps in every now and then, attempts to help with something, gets a double dose of Mama-do-it, gets frustrated, and flares up... and you've got the basic foundation of my every day life. It's like a dance. And it's all good. It's what I do!

So I try, like anyone, to find outlets. Things to help me recharge, so that I can go back in the ring with gusto. But for reasons I don't understand, the outlets I choose turn in to maze walls.

I want FRIENDS. This is the most confusing part of my current and recent life that I just don't understand. Don't get me wrong. I have some people. And some who genuinely show an interest in seeing me more than once a month. Ok, one. And that is nice, and I am most grateful. But I want more. I want to be part of the neighborhood bunch. There are a huge amount of families with small kids in the neighborhood, and so many of them are friends. Good friends. Why not me? It's not as if I'm not out there trying. In my capacity. No, I don't go out at night right now. And it's likely I won't for a while. No, I don't have a lot of time away from my children. But true friends don't care, they find time to be with you. I tried for months and months to invite people over for play dates. Every week. Sometimes twice a week. Some tried. But it got to the point where more often than not, no one came. And that depressed me, so I stopped inviting. The other day I took DS to a neighborhood play date, and there was a houseful. A HOUSEFUL. Just like that. Maybe it's because we don't go to the public schools. But that's not enough reason. Maybe it's because I'm shy. Maybemaybemaybe. The result is that I'm not IN.

I have found that my most peaceful time is my one hour a day that I spend alone. And that is not me. Not the happy, well-balanced me. But right now, my recharge time is spent along, in my basement, sewing. And I truly love it. I do. But the genuine me doesn't want an escape. So what's this about?

And I worry. For all the hard work that I feel that I do, day in and day out, I am given more to try to figure out. A relationship that has always come easily, with few bumps, is now much more confusing, painful, and filled with cracks. What does it mean? So I hide in my "work" and hope that things straighten themselves out.

And I worry about my father, who turns 90 in March. I think about him all the time. But to complicate even that, our relationship is odd. Not bad. It's good! He champions me more than anyone else in the world, and I him. But it's odd. And confusing. But he helps me to feel better about myself. Without many words, he just has a way of gently encouraging me to be better to myself. He tells me to be more selfish. Because I'm worth it. That's nice. That's really nice. I need someone to help me feel important. The others, family, are too far away to be involved in my life. I sometimes think, lately, of what it would be like to live near the others. Would I feel better? Probably. Why can't I create that for myself here?

So I feel burdened, and I feel that life is zooming by, and I feel that I'm missing something. And I don't know how to change it. And I wonder what the message is. What am I supposed to be doing? How do I achieve the balance I so badly yearn for? Am I supposed to stop seeking, and turn inward? Find peace in what I have and stop trying for something else? Why do I hurt? Why do I continue to want things I don't have? Isn't what I have good enough? I don't understand.

Enough

Earlier this week, dear daughter and I brought some treats to school to share with the teachers and staff. DD and I cut out circles of fabric that I had on hand to use as goodie bags (my attempt at reducing waste and cost) and filled each of 18 bags with chocolates, mint pillows and butter crunch peanuts. The bags were small-just the right size for one person. I could have gotten a larger or more involved or expensive gift for her primary teacher, however DD has many other teachers as well, and I wanted to thank them all for what they do. So .... each person, primary teacher included, got a small home made bag of goodies.

So this morning, the last day of school before winter break, I take DD to school. Not surprisingly, many, most, of the other kids in the class brought gifts in for the primary teacher. Some brought gifts for some of the other teachers as well. I started to worry. Did I do enough? Should I have gotten something for the primary teacher in addition to the treats? Shoot. I started to plan out my morning around getting her something else. But sighs. I really didn't want to stand on a long line with a 2-year-old........blah. In the parking lot, I saw a friend, the mother of one of DD's classmates, walking to her car. I motioned her over, and brought the whole thing up with her. We both quickly agreed that the whole thing, the gift giving, is too much and dominates what should be the focus of today, as any day, which is learning. What are we/they teaching the kids by all of this? As we left the classroom, the teacher was sitting on the floor surrounded by the kids, opening gifts. It just didn't seem right. Yes, of course, it's important, and it's tradition, to give the teacher a small gift. But should they be opened in school? Then, whether it's meant to or not, it becomes a contest. And thus adds to the stress that is the holiday season. After talking with my friend, I felt much better. We, DD and I, had done enough. I had gotten caught up in the moment, allowed myself to become part of the contest. Shoot! And whether or not I like it, I have been worried about whether or not I've gotten enough *stuff* for people for Christmas. AGH. I have. I HAVE! So why do I continue to worry?

Ohhhm. =)

I will if you will! AKA No pressure!

I've been wondering when our packages were going to arrive. That is to say, the packages others are sending to us. For Christmas. The most stressful event of the entire year, in my opinion. Today, the 22nd of December, we received 3 packages. One for hubby, who has been waiting for some of his orders to arrive. Two are from loving family members who live far away. Every year we exchange gifts with two families, so now I am conditioned to expect to receive packages from them. And I look for them. It's part of the deal. Part of the expectation that is Christmas. And to make it all fit, they have to arrive before December 25th. No pressure, right? Ugh! Wrong! Many folks are working full time, and have to fit their shopping in after work, before work, on the weekends...... and let's face it. As a society, as a species, we are procrastinators. Which only adds to the pressure and the stress. And the closer we get to the day, the more of us there are out there. At the stores, at the gas stations, on the roads, at the post office........everywhere! But we do it anyway. Why? Because it is expected! If we don't, we fail! We will disappoint people and feel bad! So why do we wait? Because we are predictable critters, and we are very routine.

So. Today, just now, I watched as the mail carrier zoomed around the neighborhood. I collected the mail, which was placed by the door, because it included hubby's package. (I adore my mail carrier, who always leaves the mail with the package, right by the door!) I wondered, again, why we have NO Christmas cards in the mail. We've had so few this year! However I mailed far fewer than usual. I am working on reducing stress in my life, so I did as many as I felt like doing, and no more. I'll worry later about who I've left out! (ugh) Then I noticed a different mail truck, parked in front of the house. Along came package #1 from far away. A glance at the cost on the shipping label put me right into this whole thought journey. $43.20. FORTY-THREE DOLLARS to send this package, of average size, from one part of this country to another. Why? Because it HAD to get here by December 25th. A minute or so later, my usual mail carrier was back, parked in the driveway, with package #2 from far away, this one to the tune of $11.37. Still a ridiculous amount of money to send someone a package, IMHO. Sheesh! I sent 3 packages this year, to those two far away places and one other, to the tune of $20.50. It would be an interesting study to find out just how much is spent each December just mailing things from one place to another. Wow! How many people, animals, small countries, could be fed/clothed/educated with that money? Hey, now that's an idea.......

Anyhow, the point of my blabberations this afternoon are simply that in my attempt to reduce stress in my life, and hopefully the chronic ache that has settled into my neck, I am focusing on external sources of stress, and this is one. Expectation, pressure, hurry, presidence (sp??). And what is it for? Regardless, we have to do it, right? And the money. And the things we buy that no one realized he/she needed (!)

So how do we make it less stressful and time consuming and stress-producing? Ah.