Trauma

On Monday, March 28th, my children and I were in a terrible car accident. While returning home from posting a notice at the vet's about our missing cat, we were rear-ended while stopped to turn into our road. This car pushed us into oncoming traffic, and we were hit again by a man traveling the other way. It was horrible, surreal, shocking, and a thousand other things. Although there are a few little things I remember, my entire focus was on my children. I recall saying, "We're ok, we're ok, we're ok" over and over again. Hoping, praying, that it was true. Both children cried right away (the pediatrician later asked this.) They didn't scream, as I recall. But cried, yes. Not me. I was in Mama-mode the entire time. Make the children ok as soon as possible. So I talked at them and went right to them. I don't remember at all if I put the car in gear, or turned it off.... I must have at least put it in park. My only recollection is that the air bag deployed, and that it seemed smaller than I thought it would be. I don't remember if it hit me. I don't remember if I hit anything. My glasses flew off my face. I got out of the car and opened the rear driver's side door to get the children out of the car. I held my son and put my arm around my daughter, and walked us across the street to the grass. I thought I was heading toward our road, but I was heading toward the opposite road. During the accident, my car had been turned completely around, so we ended up facing the opposite direction. Without glasses and being so stunned, it took me several minutes to realize this. I remember realizing the corner didn't look like our street, and trying to find the street sign. My son stopped crying shortly after getting out of the car. My daughter continued to cry for several minutes. Strangers came up to offer their help. I particularly remember two people, who stayed near us for the duration. A tall, thin man, who offered his car, his coat, his scarf, and a blanket that belongs to his infant child. We took all but the car, my daughter being uncomfortable with that idea. A woman, older than me, with light colored hair. I actually told this woman my name, and she mine, but the information is gone. Several other people offered us the warmth of their car. Only my daughter was wearing her coat.  Eventually, after a police officer offered his car, my son asked to sit in it. My daughter stood outside the door for a few minutes, then indicated that she'd like to get in, too. I tried to light-heartedly show the kids the emergency vehicles as they arrived, and the inside of the police car. My son noticed my driver's license and car documents in a clip on the inside of the police car and said, "Is that your picture on the roof?" Surreal. Two neighbors showed their faces and offered their help. The police officer offered to get things from the car, and the only thing I could think to request was my glasses. (Cell phone? Coats? Didn't even cross my rattled mind) Before getting into the police car, I asked the tall man if I could use his cell phone, and I called my husband and asked him to come get the kids. My daughter was getting upset by the sight of the car. A first responder did his best to check us for physical complaints. I turned down a hospital visit. I thought getting home was best for the children. Hubby arrived, and shortly thereafter we were given a print-out of the information of all of the driver's, and were ok to go home.

My car saved our lives. And kept us from serious injury. My daughter had a small scratch on her cheek. My son had a mark on his neck where his seat belt did its job. I developed a bruise on my left knee.

But we didn't walk away unscarred. I physically quaked for about three days. I am still reliving the accident at least once a day, typically at night as I try to rest. My daughter is having dreams about the accident. She had one this morning. My son keeps asking about the car. And as time goes on, I process. As the total shock starts to wear off, my feelings start to come through. How utterly lucky we were to come away physically unscathed. Several people commented about this fact. Including the police officer on the scene. Which car were you in? THAT one? That's a good car!! Then the total unrailing of our lives. Initally, my husband having to leave work suddenly to come help us. Saying goodbye to my car as the remains were hauled onto a flatbed truck and taken away. Comforting my traumatized children and reassuring them that right now it was ok for Papa to drive on the grass in order to keep out of the way of the cars that had to be rerouted around the scene. Telling the police officer that there was nothing in the car he could get for me, because my mind was a total blank. Home. Headache. Fear. Exhaustion. I don't know what we did for the remainder of the day. I really don't know. We all fell into bed exhausted.

Phone calls. My version of the accident to my insurance company, and to the one of the man who hit us from the front. Four days later, a letter from the insurance company of the woman who hit us. I had to call them. A woman, telling me that there was a limit on what they would pay! But a strong suggestion to replace the car seats, and charge the insurance company. Excellent. The front-hitter's company sent letter, too. They want a form filled out, and a drawing done. They also took a recorded statement over the phone. Hope you're ok, sorry that happened, we'll take care of things, etc. But please rate us a 10 in the survey. (Holy...)

At the suggestion of several friends (over Facebook, where is everyone?) I took the kids and myself to our doctors and had us checked out. As I knew, we were all physically fine, but now there is a record that we followed through with this.

I badly needed someone to talk things through with during the first couple of days. But that wasn't do-able because I was using borrowed time from hubby as it was to get the kids and me checked out, to be one the phone for long periods, to get us from here to there. So I talked to him, one night, in tears. But because of that 10 minutes of being able to shake at him and express my upset, I was able to sleep. I am feeling better every day. On top of the stress, the second night, my son was up at 3:30 a.m. He didn't express upset, but was wide awake, for the duration of the morning. So I was exhausted upon exhausted upon tired upon shaken etc and so forth. And then, during that same night, the cat, who had been gone for 7 days, appeared at the back door. Causing me to break out in tears, not knowing what emotion to allow to surface first. And then hearing my daughter say, the next day, that the accident was the cat's fault, because we were coming home from the vet when it happened.

But it's Saturday, and I'm feeling a lot closer to normal now.

So today's job is to help my daughter process all of this. To help her to understand why she is dreaming about the accident. To understand that it's ok to feel nervous about it all, even though the fault was not ours. How I shook while getting in the car for two days. For a couple of days, when we'd get into hubby's car, she would ask me not to "break Papa's car" and I would remind her that we did nothing wrong. And she would say, "I forgot." Yesterday, she asked me if I was awake enough to take her to school. I don't take offense. I understand.

Originally, I set out to write about the stages of trauma, which I looked up this morning in order to better help my daughter, primarily, but all of us, to get through all of this. And I ended up moving myself along the stages. Hm. It all makes me feel so tired.

Candida Diet vs. GAPS diet

I have made the decision to switch from the anti-candida diet to the GAPS (Guts and Psychology Syndrome) diet.

I have been following the anti-candida diet for about 1.5 months to date, and have noticed the following changes in myself: My constant sinus issues disappeared. That happened pretty much right away. My bloated belly issues also disappeared right away. My "cycle" changed a little, in that it starts, stops for a couple of days, then starts again. (related? I don't know) I get cold. Every day, while at home, I get cold. If not my entire self, my hands. Very strange. This may have to do with drinking coffee somehow. I dunno. Another thing is that my appetite for coffee has increased (I though with the removal of sweeteners it might decrease...) I am sure this has do to with appetite suppression. The only other change that I am acutely aware of is that I'm hungry all the time. Part of that is I'm simply not good at feeding myself well. I am not a cook, so I tend to grab what's easy, such as nuts and sunflower seeds, and occasionally eat something more filling, such as a salad or an egg. I have been lucky to have wonderful, filling dinners a la hubby. But I'm hungry all the time. I also went through a brief period where I felt quite anxious, and one night I had a glass of wine. The result was that the anxiety in my body went away, and the anxiety in my mind lessened. So I started to have a glass every night. Not lots of wine, just enough to bring that sense of calm. I also have continued to drink coffee every morning since beginning the diet, only removing the sweetener. I continue to add half and half or creamer. Coffee, coffee lighteners, and alcohol are taboo on the anti-candida diet, so I haven't been strict. But other than these things, I have followed the diet very closely, having no additional sugars, no carbs from wheat (I have eaten rice, which is ok), no dairy other than feta cheese, and so on.

Yesterday after re-reading (for the millionth time) the anti-candida "ok" and "not ok" food lists, I decided to check back on the GAPS diet to see if that would make sense for me at this point. If the additional things I'm eating aren't upsetting my system, and if it allows some foods that will help me to feel full and expand my diet a bit, I'm all for it. So.....

In the next few weeks I will be adding back to my diet: fruit! cheese! and other wonderful things. I will be paying close attention to my sinuses (dairy??) and my belly, of course.

It's funny how freeing the GAPS diet seems from this perspective. When I tried the GAPS diet in the past (last summer) it was too restrictive, and I couldn't stick with it! The anti-candida diet is much more restrictive and I've managed to stick with that ok. (other than my vices....) So I'm excited and looking forward to the changes. Here's hoping the changes are all good!

The Health Benefits of Nuts and Seeds

On the candida diet, I am not supposed to eat many of the "filler" foods I typically eat in large quantities. These include pasta, wheat crackers and bread, cheese, and so forth. And I am a person who grazes all day, and I eat a lot. I like to feel full! One of the hardest parts of going on any kind of diet is feeling satisfied after eating. It is probably the reason why so many fail to stick to a diet. It is essential to be surrounded by "ok" foods that make you feel full. For me, those "ok" foods include eggs, avocados, and seeds and nuts. Everything else is veggies and rice and such, which is great, just not filling. So on my kitchen counter is a collection of nuts and seeds and rice cakes. And I munch on them alllll day long. Granted, I have likely increased my fat intake quite a bit, but things will even out in the end. I just have to get used to eating differently. And so far, I have been satisfied, and that is the reason I am able to continue with the diet.

But a fun motivator is to look up the benefits of the foods I'm consuming a lot at the moment. So here goes. The benefits of eating seeds and nuts are....

According to this website:

"Researchers found that people who eat nuts regularly have lower risks of heart disease. In 1996, the Iowa Women's Healthy Study found that women who ate nuts >4 times a week were 40% less likely to die of heart disease."


...and...


"Nuts are one of the best plant sources of protein. They are rich in fiber, phytonutrients andantioxidants such as Vitamin E and selenium.  Nuts are also high in plant sterols and fat - but mostly monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats (omega 3 - the good fats) which have all been shown to lower LDL cholesterol."


This website states the following:


"The amino acid arginine is also present in nuts which, as stated in this month's lead article on impotence, can help overcome erectile dysfunction. Arginine has also been found to boost immunity and lower elevated blood pressure levels. In addition, certain nuts like pecans, walnuts and almonds contain tryptophan - another amino acid that stimulates the production of the 'feel good' hormone serotonin in your brain, which can help ward off depression and promote a more relaxed state. "


From the same website:


"Another must are Brazil nuts. A recent study conducted at the University of Illinois in the US suggests that Brazil nuts may play a vital role in preventing breast cancer. According to the scientists who carried out the study, this benefit is probably a result of the high amounts of selenium they contain. 

Selenium is a powerful antioxidant that helps neutralise harmful free radicals that can attack healthy cells and increase the risk of serious conditions like heart disease and cancer - including breast cancer as already mentioned, and lung, bowel and prostate cancer. "


Good stuff. Now for the seeds!


This website discusses the benefits of pumpkin seeds: 

Prostate Protection
They promote overall prostate health and alleviate the difficult urination associated with an enlarged prostate.

Improved Bladder Function
In some studies, pumpkin seed extracts improved bladder function in animals.

Depression Treatment
They contain L-tryptophan, a compound naturally effective against depression.

Prevention of Osteoporosis
Because they are high in zinc, pumpkin seeds are a natural protector against osteoporosis. Low intake of zinc is linked to higher rates of osteoporosis.

Natural Anti-Inflammatory
Pumpkin seeds effectively reduce inflammation without the side effects of anti-inflammatory drugs.

Prevention of Kidney Stones
They prevent calcium oxalate kidney stone formation, according to studies.

Treatment of Parasites
They are used in many cultures as a natural treatment for tapeworms and other parasites. Studies also show them to be effective against acute schistosomiasis, a parasite contracted from snails.

Great Source of Magnesium
1/2 cup of pumpkin seeds contains 92% of your daily value of magnesium, a mineral in which most Americans are deficient.

Lower Cholesterol
Pumpkin seeds contain phytosterols, compounds that that have been shown to reduce levels of LDL cholesterol.

Cancer Prevention
The same phytosterols that lower cholesterol also protect against many cancers.

This website discusses the benefits of Flaxseed:

"(HealthCastle.com) Its high content of alpha linolenic acids has made the ancient flax seed become our modern miracle food. Alpha linolenic acid (ALA) is a type of plant-derivedomega 3 fatty acid, similar to those found in fish such as salmon. Benefits of flax seed as shown in many studies include lowering total cholesterol and LDL cholesterol (the Bad cholesterol) levels. Other benefits show that flax seed may also help lower blood triglyceride and blood pressure. It may also keep platelets from becoming sticky therefore reducing the risk of a heart attack.

Other Benefits of Flax seed

Aside from alpha linolenic acid, flax seed is rich in lignan. Lignan is a type phytoestrogen (antioxidant) and also provides fiber. Researches reveal that lignan in flax seed shows a lot of promise in fighting disease -- including a possible role in cancer prevention especiallybreast cancer. It is thought that lignan metabolites can bind to estrogen receptors, hence inhibiting the onset of estrogen-stimulated breast cancer."

Both of these are going on my shopping list along with Brazil nuts!!

Candida Diet

This is my second post about my recent issue with a very bloated belly. I've bonded with the idea of it being caused by a yeast imbalance. This is because I have a history of yeast infections not caused by any of the "typical" issues. It's also because I did some online searching on my symptoms, and that was one of the possibilities. It just makes sense to me, I guess.

Anyhow, the cure is a diet....not my forte! But my current bout with belly bloat happened to coincide with a visit from family, one of whom has dietary restrictions of her own. She also happens to be very confident about food choices, and enjoys meal planning and preparing. Hurrah! She shopped and came home with an abundance of foods that are on the "ok" list for a candida diet. Left to my own devices, I would certainly have waited at least until Christmas was over to face the burden of eating a yeast starving diet.

So here on the eve of Christmas day, I am feeling a bit better. My belly had an episode after eating rice cakes with guacamole (???) but otherwise I have been feeling fairly well. I screw up here and there, such as serving myself and eating one bite of cranberry sauce before catching myself, and eating an entire serving of mashed potatoes and serving myself a second before being reminded that potatoes are not on my list. Argh!! But the same family member gently reminds me that eating is good, and that I shouldn't feel bad for doing so. How I wish I was surrounded by that kind of reassurance all the time. Hubby confronted me last night about how difficult it is to cook around dietary restrictions - sigh! I want my mommy! Anyhow, I will do the best that I can do, and try to heal myself. I will hate it, but perhaps it will help some other things along the way. If I can get two weeks under my belt, I am hoping the changes will provide the continued motivation.

GAPS Progress

I have decided to keep a log of my progress with the GAPS diet and how I am feeling. Maybe not so interesting to you, but it will help to keep me motivated and organized with all of this.

Just to add to the mix, I have also started taking B-complex vitamins. I am already taking a probiotic once a day, calcium, vitamin D, multivitamins and fish oil.

Day 1: One slice sprouted grain bread. Not on GAPS, but eaten prior to commitment. Coffee with non-dairy creamer and honey. Canned chicken noodle soup. (also eaten before commitment) hummus and vegetables for lunch. Pork and turnip greens for dinner. Guacamole with veggies for evening snack.

Feeling: I slept very long and well last night. Felt baseline tired. Better than the complete exhaustion I have been feeling.

Day 2: Coffee with creamer and honey. Black beans with seasonings and olive oil. Banana Lunch - asparagus with seasoning, almonds. Oranges. Dinner - hubby loves me! He made a fantastic salad with turkey and swiss cheese, and lots of veggies and a fermented dressing! YUM.

Feeling: DS woke up hungry just after 4am. Went back to sleep with him from about 6am-7:30am. Tired from that. But not feeling miserable. Doing well with diet today. A little bit of energy/enthusiasm. A little. But that's an improvement!

Day 3: Coffee with milk today (ran out of creamer) I hate milk, so I only used a little. I also dislike this honey, bleh. Great way to wean. (ha) Breakfast - left over fabulous salad from last night. Delicious and filling. Mid-morning snack - almonds. Lunch - swiss cheese slices, yogurt (just read that this is contraindicated, whoops), one taste of peanut butter before I realized it had fillers that aren't ok), red grapes. Snack - grapes, cheddar cheese. Dinner - Hubby made GAPS friendly chili. YUM. Feels good to feel full after dinner. I seem to have trouble achieving that during the day now.

Feeling: Started off pretty well. My spirits seem to be rising. I'm actually thinking of some fun stuff we could do today instead of dreading the day. Not bounding with enthusiasm, but not hating my fate, either. Progress. Day filled with friends = fun and good spirits all around. I'm starting to get that hungry feeling that comes with any diet. I hate that. But hubby is bringing home more nuts and nibbles. Hope it helps. Bonus: the kids eat more healthy snacks as a result of this diet. Getting weird periodic BO every day for the last 3 or 4 days. It happened once before several days ago. Doesn't seem to be due to heat or anxiety. Part of my imbalance. Embarrassing. Comes and goes seemingly randomly.

Day 4: Breakfast - Coffee, canned chicken (supposed to be fresh or frozen,,,,babysteps!) with celery and a little fermented dressing, almonds, melon. Lunch - seasoned white navy beans and canned beets (supposed to be fresh or frozen, oh well) A small square of cheese, unknown type. I am full, and so happy to be!

Feeling: Hungry. Tired today, but a more normal SAHP tired. DS has been sleeping restlessly. He has a tendency to not want to eat at dinner time, so he wakes up hungry during the very early morning. Hubby really pushed him to eat last night, so he slept better, but was up before 7am after conking out a little early after having no nap yesterday. Feeling that I need a break from the kids. =( Feeling quite a bit better after eating lunch. I am full, and my mood is a bit better. Still don't feel like tackling the world, but I'm WILLING to. Ended up spending hours outside at a park, which was great. Need to do more of that. Still very tired coming home, but pleased with the day. BO again... weird. But the bloating I was getting after eating anything before GAPS has not returned at all.

Day 5: Breakfast - coffee, small amount of scrambled eggs. Seasoned navy beans with cheddar cheese. Lunch - swiss cheese (quite a bit), almonds Dinner - take-out BBQ. I ate various meats and collard greens.

Feeling: Sluggish start. DD not feeling well. Another day inside. Sighs. I am feeling very grateful for my husband. He has been so helpful with this diet! He is cooking GAPS friendly meals for me every night. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I am feeling conflicted about whether to stick with the diet on our vacation next week or not. He responded immediately that there would be many options for me, and that if it would help, he would follow the diet with me as well. Wow! I really went from feeling like I might forget the diet for the week, to feeling regained confidence that I should stick with it. Thank you hubby! =) Spent the afternoon in the house while DD watched tv, then fell asleep. Feeling content.

Day 6: Breakfast - Coffee w/creamer and honey, navy beans, cheddar cheese, fermented dressing. Some banana. Content. Lunch - Subway sub without the bread! Basically a salad, with turkey, cheese, and tons of veggies, including hot peppers. Yummy. Didn't use dressing. Snack - swiss cheese Very full. Dinner - King crab! with butter. asparagus

Feeling: Frenzied. Kids are very needy this a.m. Crisis cleaning for DD's guest. Tired, even after conking out very early with the kids. Pretty good day. Needy DD, but happy with a play date. Got out for an hour by myself - most lovely. I think I'm gaining weight!

Day 7: Breakfast - Coffee (read the GAPS foods list a little more carefully yesterday and realized that coffee is on the list!!! It's supposed to be weak, but hey, it's on there!!! So it's only the creamer that is a no-no.) Seasoned navy beans with cheddar cheese. Lunch - more beans, canned chicken, a little fermented dressing. It was at lunch today that I started to add hubby's bone broth (beef) to my food. I tried drinking it but didn't prefer it that way. Snack - bananas and peanut butter. Dinner - a huge pile of string beans, corn with butter, salad with cheese added and fermented dressing. Bone broth in there, too. Just getting small amounts now. I'll have to get used to it. It's good, just bland. Better mixed in. Evening snack - melon

Feeling: Not bad. I actually got up before the rest of the family and had a few (very few, but I'll take it!) minutes to myself. I hate Mondays in general, and always start the week off with a deep sigh, but all things considered, I feel pretty good. Spend the morning at the park. Kids were happy - me too. Home to watch a movie, put the kids in the tub, and basically hung out. Pretty content. Mood has been unusually positive today. (for lately. I am a positive person, just not lately.)

Day 8: Breakfast - coffee, a coupla pistachios, chick peas (can I have that? Shoot...I think not maybe. Only had one bite) Nope, threw it out! Try again. Nuts, cheese. Blah. Lunch - lettuce mix, swiss cheese, bone broth, fermented dressing. Tired of the dressing flavor now. Need a break from it. Very surprising how full I am after one bowl of salad with no veggies added! I was hungry, too. The fullness was more like bloating, which lasted a while, then went away. Weird! Snack - popcorn with butter and salt Dinner - Chicken Tangene (chicken, onion, olive oil, garlic, cinnamon, ginger, olives, pepper) polenta (just looked on the foods list for corn, I"m not supposed to be eating it! I've been eating corn on the cob, popcorn and now polenta. SHOOT! =( lentils, (beef stock, curry powder) Very good, filling meal. Wish I'd realized about the corn.

Feeling: Tired, blah. Kids being basically good, but resistant to getting out. Annoying. Got out, kids happy. I felt better being out, too. Kids were very good at grocery store. Kinda blah, but doing ok. Afternoon inside, which is ok. Slowly getting things done. Tired. We ended up spending the afternoon in. The kids watched a lot of tv. Still kinda tired.

Day 9: Breakfast - coffee. Seasoned lentils. Lunch - canned chicken, seasoned lentils, bone broth, hot sauce. Hated it, threw most of it out. Pineapple. Snack - swiss cheese, celery with peanut butter.

Feeling: Tired. I had trouble falling asleep, which is very unusual for me these days! Weird. Also, lots of my "symptoms" presenting this morning. Itchy scalp, bloated feeling after supplements, carpal tunnel flare up. Into the afternoon, tired and bored of the summer (non) routine. Kids, too. Went out for a bit. Stomach so empty it hurt. Had a snack upon return. Stomach bloated and uncomfortable, don't feel full. Not a happy body today. Not a happy mood today, either.

Day 10: Breakfast - Coffee, banana, swiss cheese. Lunch - seasoned black beans (not on good foods list OR bad foods list, so I'm eatin' 'em!) kiwi, seasoned asparagus. A bit of pear. Left over coffee from this a.m. Happy with my lunch. Snack - swiss cheese, peanut butter Dinner - salad with veggies and dressing. Peanut butter. Blah. Tired of this diet.

Feeling: Worn down, the usual. But getting excited for our trip. Nice to feel excited about anything. Belly has been feeling a little weird. Hungry, then overly full after I eat. Not enjoying that aspect of this. But I feed myself better at some meals than others, too. Mood is fair - pretty good. Evening - a little irritable, just want to be home. Getting annoyed with the diet. Unsatisfied.

Day 11: Breakfast - left-over salad. Lunch - canned chicken with onion, pepper and peas. Good.

Feeling: Mixed. I slept long last night. I'm always tired and I am today. Lots to do today...feeling excited for trip but I HATE packing. Ok with diet today so far. While the weird random body odor has seemed to stay away for a day or two, I am getting hot flashes! Could it be? Or is it PMS? Sighs.

I quit the diet. I miss carbs. I don't feel any more awake or any less symptomatic, and I'm going on a cruise in two days, and I don't want to be on a diet while cruising. If I really felt it was making any kind of difference, I would be motivated, but I don't, and I want to enjoy myself while on vacation. If that seems like a cop-out, I'm sorry. But I feel good about it. The only difference I felt was the addition of hunger pangs to all of my other *stuff* and that sucked. Anyhow, that's the deal. Cheers! (raising my NON-GAPS bottle-o-booze!!)