Day 2 of School - End Result

* She had a good day
* She did some bonding with another girl
* She said Spanish class was boring =)
* She ate most of her lunch and all of her snack =)=)=)
* She used the bathroom at school =)=)=)
* She said there are a lot of boys in her class
* She said she wished tomorrow wasn't a day off, she wants to go to school. SHE WANTS TO GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost wish there was school tomorrow so she didn't have the transition back to being home for the day, then back for a day, then off for the weekend, then a full week of school....

I am happy for her. And for all of us. =)

Day 2 of School - The Anxiety Wave Spreads Out

My dear daughter had a good day yesterday, but I knew that didn't mean we were out of the woods as far as her anxiety (and mine!) was concerned. Mama knows.

So this morning, the alarm clock goes off, and DD reached for me immediately. I collect her and we head downstairs. Alarms were obviously going off in her head as well. I brought her to the couch, and started through the morning routine of going through everything in the house that we could make for breakfast. DD finally settles on seasoned black beans. I make them, and put them on the table. I call both kids (DS got up very shortly after DD) to the table, and looked at DD. I've seen this look before. There was no way she could come to the table. The very idea of food was making her physically sick. (I have been through this sensation many times in the past, part of my anxiety) I told her to stay put. She says she needs to eat something mild, and chooses soup. We don't have any that appeals to her, so hubby offers to head to a nearby convenience store. He comes back and prepares chicken noodle soup for her. I am now helping her to get dressed, and starting to get in to race-against-the-clock mode. DD gets up and starts to head for the bathroom. She asks me what would happen if she threw up. Then she did so. Despite my predictions and directions to stop moving and take deep breaths. Ugh. She barfs on the floor. Then moves to another part of the room, and barfs again. UGH. She then anxiously starts saying that kids who throw up need to stay home from school, right? I told her that we needed to try school today, and if she was sick, I would come get her. Hubby comes along to deal with the floor as I scoot DD out the door. By the way, DS has managed today much better than yesterday. I explained to him at some point during the morning that I would once again be taking DD to school, and asked him what games he would be playing with Papa while I was gone. He was relaxed and understanding of the situation this time. He commented that I "always take DD to school." I explained to him that after today, he would be coming with me to take her to school. He is also starting school next week, and I"m sure all of this is a bit confusing to him! But he's dealing a-ok today.

Anyhow, she self-talks all the way to school, and asks me (a bit ritualistically) to tell the teachers that she threw up, and to call me if she throws up again. Okokok I say. I drop her off, inform the teacher who was waiting at the curb, and in she went. She looked back at me, I blew her some kisses, and she waved. Poor sweet little thing! Can't wait for 2:50pm.

Now I"m off to take DS to his school, where he has a play date today.

Onward and onward.....

First Day of School Part Three - YEAH!

I sat at the kitchen table after writing "Part 2" and tapped my foot on the floor. And waited very anxiously for it to be time to go get DD. Finally the time came, and after using the loo several times (one of my anxious tendencies) I collected DS from the couch and got into the car.

I arrived at the school and hoped I was stopped in the right spot: I was the only one there. But a short while later, cars started lining up behind me, which put my mind at ease. And then I waited. And waited. And waited!! It was only about 7 minutes, but my heart was beating out of my chest. The door opened....nope. It was someone else. It opened again....nope. Someone else. Argh! The door opened, and out walked a line of children, and.... there she was!. Before she got to me, the Head of School informed me that she had a great first day of school. She was telling me a list of things she participated in today, but none of it sunk in. I was focused on her! She got to me, I took her stuff, and put it, and her, in the car. Then DD's teacher was calling my name. (uh-oh?) She came up to me and told me the same thing, that DD had had a fantastic first day of school. She informed me that she wanted to tell DD that. For sure! So she opened DD's door, and said the same thing to her. Then off we went. I wanted to hear from HER!

And yes, she really DID have a good day! She told me about this and that. But the things that stood out, the main things that were plaguing my mind, were these: She told me that the second time she used the bathroom, there were no towels left to wipe her hands with, so she had to use her shirt. SHE USED THE BATHROOM AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahem. Scuse me. The other thing that had me doing cartwheels was that she ATE AT SCHOOL, TOO. SHE ATE AT SCHOOL!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course the way I responded was to 1) ask her if she was wet all day and 2) to  listen while she told me that they turn the lights off and light a candle at lunch time, and in neither case did I get spazzy and let her know how THRILLED I was that she chose to move on in both of these situations, both of which cause her incredibly intense anxiety at her former school. AND ON THE FIRST DAY! GO GIRL GO!

So after chatting about school for a while, I asked her what her favorite part of the school day was. She said she didn't have a favorite part, IT WAS ALL FUN.

I asked her if she's nervous about going to school tomorrow. She said, "a little bit."

Proud doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I am in awe of her ability to move herself through and past her anxieties. I know, I know. It's not the end of the story yet. We have a lot more to face, with a new place, new people, and a new set of expectations, but I have been stressing today for MONTHS, and I am so happy that it went so well! =)=)=)

First Day of School Part Two

Before driving away from my highly nervous daughter this morning, I informed her teacher that I would call in an hour or two to check in, to which she replied, "sure." I didn't want to call too soon and give the impression that I was going to be a pain. I didn't want to wait too long and give the impression that I didn't really care. I called at 11:20 a.m., after DD had been at her new school for two hours.

The phone was answered by the mother of one of DD's classmates, who works at the school a couple of times a week. This is someone I have met, and the mother of the girl I tried four times to get together with this summer, without success. Anyhow, we are familiar with each other, and I identified myself. I told her I was just calling to check in. She informed me that the teacher had been to the office to inform her that I would be calling, and to tell me that DD is "doing fantastic. No tears."

Well. That was certainly nice to hear. Now I get it that they don't know her, and maybe she is just "dealing." She has never been one to carry on and on. But I am glad to know that she is facing it with swords blazing. I can't wait to see her later!

25 minutes til I leave to pick her up. DS is napping! I forgot about that possibility! Time to myself that was completely unanticipated. Cool!

But I do look forward to getting my dear girl and bringing her home again. Starting a day with that much anxiety, and facing anything with swords blazing inevitably will result in one wrung-out, tired, and likely starving little girl. Tick-tock...

First Day of School

DD has been at school now for 30 minutes.

I woke DD up at about 6:50 a.m. She got up right away. I carried her downstairs and set her on the couch where her little brother was waiting for her.

I made breakfast, and gave it to them.

Both kids enthusiastically assisted with the transfer of the fish from their temporary home back to the plastic fishy bags that came from the pet store.

I get dressed. Hubby notes that we had better get DD dressed. It was fast approaching 8:00 a.m. Got DD dressed, and she's just starting to show signs of stress. I grab her shoes, and she tells me she wants to put them on herself. (Neat) I head of to put stuff in the car, and the full panic attack hits. And DS starts to get into the act, too. While hubby bolts the door to keep DS inside, DD bolts upstairs and locks herself in her room, screaming. I go right up behind her and unlock the door. A surprised girl then screams some more and crawls into her closet. I gently extract her, trying to gently reassure her. I start to walk with her, and she tells me that she will walk herself. (Again, impressive!) I ask her if she will walk herself. She gets down and does so. DD then needs to go to the bathroom. I wait for her to do so, with a real urgency to get out the door for DS's sake, as he has entered full panic mode at this point. DD finishes, and we head out the door. I clip her in and hand her the fish. We drive. DD self talks all the way. She processes the bathroom (she never used the bathroom on her own at her former school) She wants to identify a friend to inform if she needs to call me to help her in the bathroom. I remind her that if she has to go, she just goes. She processes this, saying that she'll go right when she gets there, right before every class, and before going out for recess. She adds here and there that she'll go if her pull-up leaks. Yep, she insisted on wearing a pull-up today. I reminded her that she shouldn't need to use it, it's just there for reassurance. And so forth. She actually said at one point that she doesn't know why she gets nervous. I took that opportunity to remind her that sometimes people with a lot of anxiety see low-stress situations as being very threatening until we become familiar with them. Etc. I was really impressed with her processing. She did have a panic attack, but then faced the situation maturely (she is only 6 years old!) and faced it like the brave warrior that she is.

We arrived. One of the teachers is waiting on the curb (forget her name - damn!) and greets us. Immediately DD's head teacher is there, and greets DD in her mellow style. She delves right in to talking about the fish (awesome) and asks DD about their names. DD answers her confidently. (Atta girl!!) Teacher says bye to me, and I drive away. I watch as DD walks with the teacher. DD carries her back pack (which I said was empty but isn't - it has her lunch. Shoot - hope she finds it!) Teacher carries her heavy bag of school supplies. She glanced at it with a slightly surprised look (hey, it's only stuff they said they require!) and carried that in for DD.

And so. I stopped at the Y as planned, and went home. And found that hubby and DS were gone. Hm. I predicted that DS was so upset that hubby didn't know what else to do with him but drive. I called him, and that's basically what transpired. They returned a minute later. Both were calm. I hugged DS and talked to him a little bit about the morning, and said that we were all nervous this morning, but we're all ok now. He said he was ok. I got hubby up to speed with the drop-off, and he left for work.

So now I watch the clock a little, write this, spend time with DS, and try to have awareness of my own tension. (I feel exhausted, slightly pre-headachey, and anxious to have the day be done) But I move forward. DS wants to play computer games, so that's what we'll do. Then DD's best friend's mom invited me and DS to go meet her and her kids for a picnic at a local park. So we'll plan to go do that. And we'll go from there.

Breathe in, breathe out. Love you, sweetheart. And thinking of you nonstop.

Chattering Teeth... (First Day of School Tomorrow.....)

The countdown to the first day at DD's new school has started, and I am anxious! I am trying to act cool as a cucumber, because I want to model a "no big deal" attitude for my poor anxious daughter. To be fair, she hasn't entered panic-mode at all so far. She has done a really (really, really!) good job of focusing on aspects of school without seeming to be freaked out too much. For example, she has bought these two fish, which will go into the classroom fish tank. She feeds and changes their water every day (just a little, fish fanatics, because there is no filter and it's kinda murky) and talks to them. But she has NOT named "her" fish, which is interesting. Each of my kids picked one fish, so DS got to name "his" fish, which he named after one of the cats! =) I asked DD if she would prefer to bring the fish on the second day of school because she will be bringing a lot of stuff with her tomorrow. But no, she prefers to bring them tomorrow, and says she's going to carry them, which gives me some hope...... but I am not fooled by it all. I have seen DD get all the way to school cool as the afore mentioned cuke, then freak with panic once we're in the room. So ....

I know that drop-off will be challenging, and I am prepared to give her a quick pep-talk on the way to school, then drive off when she is collected. (The teachers collect the students from their cars!) I have been preparing for this for months in my head! (Sick, I know) I am a bit worried that I"ll forget something. This child has to bring the usual school supply "list" of stuff. Plus shoes that are just for the classroom. Plus clean gym shoes. Plus a placemat/napkin/napkin ring. Plus her lunch and snack. Plus a change of clothing. Plus a plant. Plus the fish. Yikes! Today I started a list, and tonight I plan to get every possible thing packed and in the car. Last year I forgot her lunch on the FIRST day. Sh*t!!

After drop-off, I then plan to zip over to the Y, which is right in the same complex, and pick up a fitness schedule. Then it's home, to relieve hubby, who will be watching DS. I shall most likely be in a total state of high alert for the duration of the school day. But I will need to be mommy to DS, and that means finding something fun to do, as he will not have DD to entertain him for SIX and a half hours. Gads.

I am grateful that hubby will be here in the morning to help me get through it all.

Tonight I plan to take one of DD's old t-shirts and iron on a picture of her kitty cats. I promised her we'd do this, and it simply hasn't come to be. She did pick two photos today, one of each of them. So I will print those out and put them on a shirt for tomorrow. I am hopeful that people will ask her about them, and she can enter into one of her comfort zones. (What would we do without those cats?!?!)

I feel that DD has come far enough in her self-confidence that she will get through and past this without serious consequences. I hope I am right about that! She does like people a lot, and does like attention. I am hoping that is enough these days to pull her through. It's like a cat who is timidly hiding behind a bookcase, but just can't stand to ignore the string that is being jiggled around just a little bit away. DD's need to connect with people draws her out. She's just got to get over that hump. That anticipation which can cause her to see so many situations as being dangerous and terrifying.

C'mon Montessori, do your magic!!! And as for me, I will be relying on some time outdoors in nature to soothe my weary and nervous spirit. We won't go too far. But I think some time outdoors is key.

Forward, march.

Random Life Update

I don't have anything particular to write about. I just sort of feel like rambling on about this and that. It helps me to sort it all out.

I remember when I was in high school, I used to go up to visit with the school nurse, who was a really cool lady named Joyce. (I have never met a Joyce I didn't like, now that I think about it) She was just one of those people who would ask how you are, then keep asking questions to keep you blabbering. By the time the conversation was done, I always felt .. well .. somehow more organized! I always imagined this disorganized, messy bookshelf that had gotten tipped over. When we were done talking, the book shelf was straightened up again. I think she was in the wrong field. =)

Anyhow, occasionally I just feeling like "straightening up" by blabbering about this and that. So here goes, in no particular order.

*School starts next week. My neck is in an almost chronic state of tightness because of this fact. DD sways between "I told you, I am NOT going to school" and being excited by some aspect of it, such as the fish she has been invited to bring to add to the classroom tank. Her tension comes out in other ways, too. She has to know where I am ALL the time. She asks me all the time where I am, even if I am in the next room. She has to tell me when she is going to use the bathroom. She complains about belly aches a lot, especially in the evening as I go to take my evening "break" of one hour, which is nearly always in the house, upstairs. She has started to go through a ritual with this, telling me her plan of action if she does get a belly ache. It's the same each time. I have seen her develop rituals in the past. It gives her comfort. Personally, I look forward to the first day being over! (Not to mention the first week...) I hate to wish our lives away. But this is a tension that will be nice to have behind us.

*I am still tired absolutely all the time. I don't know what the hell to do about it except to deal. I know I need more recharge time. It ain't easy. I could push it, and probably should. But DD's anxiety issues make this hard, and hubby's quick temper with DD does too. More exercise would certainly be a good thing. But other than my one hour evening break, and the occasional weekend breaks, I am with the kids all the time. If I start to exercise in front of the Wii, they join in for a few minutes (great!) then take over. Today, which the kids were playing outside, I got on the trampoline. My dear son, usually so sweet, told me to get off, it is THEIR trampoline! Wowow! =( My diet sucks. That's another thing I could change. My biggest desire would be to have more friends. That's what it always comes down to. I am a people-person, and I am simply happier when I have people around me. I have huge stretches of time without other adults, and it makes me depressed. People are always saying that yeah, we should get together, but no one ever initiates with me. And I get tired of doing all the inviting, ya know?

*I love sewing. It makes me happy. I've always loved creating things, but this is the craft that has stuck with me the longest. It brings me a lot of happiness. So I do it a lot.

*I am happy that fall is coming around the corner. I really dread winter. But I love the fall. That boosts my spirits a little.

*My skin continues to improve with my current supplements and essential oils. That is wonderful. Just wonderful.

*I have mixed feelings about DS going to school this year. I know he'll love it, and that's why I did it. And I cannot WAIT to have some me time. I am long and desperately overdue. But I will miss him. He is my baby. After him, no more babies. Sad.

*Hubby feels the pressure of our expensive lives. He wants me to start bringing in income, as soon as I can. I want to, but I also want a little time to get myself back from the abyss that I feel I live in all the time now. And I don't know what to do for work. He sometimes says it would be helpful for me to work with him, and sometimes implies that it wouldn't work. I hated my former work. I want to develop a website for those with serious diseases, to help them find the resources they need. How do I do this and make a living at it? I am starting to look in to this. But I'll probably need something more reliable for a while.

*I need something(s) to feel excited about. I wish I knew where to start.

My "break" is ending.