By all accounts, my daughter had a good first week of school. Those of you who have followed this line of thought all along know that DD has some pretty intense anxiety issues, and that transitions can be very, very hard for her. And she nailed the first week of school. And at a new school where she knew no one. Atta girl! But the anxiety still exists. Of course it does.
Last night, Saturday night, she is having trouble falling asleep. She had slept quite late, so perhaps she just wasn't tired yet. But even this change in routine has got her (and ME) on edge. I am not allowed to leave the room until she falls asleep (kind of a bone-head thing I allowed to happen...I've always been there until the kids have fallen asleep) It is becoming obvious she is not going to settle down to sleep, and hubby suggests we allow her to come downstairs with us. Not ideal. Definitely not. I am quite protective of my evening time, as it is part of a very little bit of time I get to have sans kids during the day. I finally agree. She comes downstairs, sits in a chair, and waits. After a fairly short time of this (what were we going to do? We couldn't really watch the movie we've been watching - too violent. I didn't want to break out any food and set that precedence.) I gave up and decided to go to bed. We went up, I read, and we both went to sleep. Fast forward to tonight. Before even getting into bed, DD is anxiously informing me, again and again and again, that if she can't sleep, she is going to come downstairs with me. Ugh, I think. What I say is something along the lines of it being really important that she try to get to sleep as she has to get up early, blah de blah, parent-talk parent-talk. I read to the kids, DS falls asleep easily as usual, and DD pushes herself right up against me and hooks her arm through mine. I am sure she is trying to set herself up so that if I move, she'll be aware of it. I am feeling choked by her anxiety, again. I want to be understanding, and when given a little space I almost always am, but sometimes I get a little annoyed. I have gotten somewhat better at expressing something other than what I am feeling. I want her to feel loved and understood. It cannot be easy or fun to go through what she goes through. After a fairly short amount of time, she fell asleep. Hubby was about to come through the door with a creaky laundry basket, and I chased him out with a stern, "Do not wake her up!" I explained, of course, and he put the basket in another room.
Her anxiety manifests in other ways too, ways that are so a part of our lives that I forget to mention them. She refuses to go anywhere without me. Refuses. It doesn't matter where. Today we ran errands. If I went into a store, she went too. If I stayed in the car, she stayed in the car, too. She wanted to go swimming today. Hours went by and I lost interest in the trip. Hubby offered to take her, she refused. "NOT without Mama!!" She goes through short phases where she will do something with him, but mostly not. And it's been a long time since she has.
So here I am, downstairs, ready for some me time, but I have to reprocess everything first. It's what I do, and part of what I have to do to manage my own anxiety. Maybe now I can relax, and get ready to face week 2. Now that the acuteness of the first couple of days has passed, we will find out how her general anxiety plays out in this new environment. Fingers crossed and praying that Montessori is everything I have been hoping for...
How to wrap
1 year ago