I'm on a journey to find health and happiness through a more holistic and green lifestyle.

I find the world to be abrasive. =) That is to say, I feel the need to armor myself, physically and emotionally, in order to face life. Don't we all? Maybe. For whatever reason, it has become a priority in my life to rid my immediate environment of irritating things. And I'm sensitive! So there is much work to be done. But. I have thought for a long time that the things I come in contact with every day, and the stuff used to clean and maintain these things, need to be gentle and non-toxic. I have had eczema my entire life. For a long time I just dealt with it, and accepted that sometimes it's bad, and sometimes it's not, and that it will fluctuate a lot. Gradually over time I have come to find that certain things, fabrics, cleansers, materials, are more irritating to my skin than others. Stress can exacerbate it. In more recent times, I have realized that every aspect of my life improves when I improve conditions for my skin. Hah! What a concept! Thus my (long time) interest in going green, and my more recent desire to live a more holistic lifestyle. (I think I've felt a desire for a long time to live in a harmonious way with myself, my surroundings, and nature, but didn't have a name for it.) Anyhow, this blog is a journal of my trials and errors, and basic crooked path to find a balanced and peaceful existence for myself and my family. Thanks for your interest! I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas!

Monday, April 5, 2010


Last night I woke up during the night with my head filled with sadness and fear. I had several emotional experiences crossing paths at the same time. Why my head chose to process all of these things last night I don't really know. But there it was. In the night I decided (as I've done before) that I should let someone professional help me process all of these things so that I can move forward with a clear(er) head. Then daylight comes, and I talk myself out of it again. Here's what passed through my head:

My mother's passing. I still can't say the "d" word, though my head can think it now without making me want to fall apart. Progress. And that only took 9 years (almost.) I accept the changes that has brought to my life. Of course. I have had no choice. But there are things that bring up sadness in me. Having kids makes me wonder what I was like as a baby, as a toddler, as a little girl. Was I like either of my kids? I would love to know that. I would love to talk with my mom about being a stay-home mom. It would be really neat to bond in that way. My father doesn't remember. And of course he had a different relationship with us kids than my mom did. I also have some unresolved issues with her. Who doesn't have unresolved issues with someone who has passed? But I was angry about some stuff, and perhaps with more time that could have been resolved. I also would simply have loved for her to know my kids, and vice versa. It ticks me off no end that the kids know the other grandparents so well. It just doesn't seem fair. But I am so very glad that they know and love my father, and vice versa. But for reasons I don't quite understand, he doesn't like to come up here. He will, once in a while. He comes for the kids' birthday parties. But he literally will come up, stay for the party, and leave. Driving 3 hours each way. Once in a great while he'll stay at a hotel over night, but it's still a really quick trip. It's weird. Anyhow. So I've got some issues there. And my father just turned 89 years old. Damn time!!

Then there's my friend's recent diagnosis of cancer. That really freaked me out. Really. Freaked. Me. Out. It scared me. It somehow really hit home for me how vulnerable we are as human beings. Suddenly I was scared to death that I had cancer. I felt so scared for her! And I think it brought back some stuff from my mom's illness. Awful. Just awful. And doing as much as I could think to do for my friend has not really relieved my fear and sadness. I did what I could think of to help her, then she informed us what her cancer was. I read about it a bit, and I was sick to my stomach all over again. I feel helpless, and it's terrifying.

And my relationship has some strain. Nothing too serious. But it's there, and it makes me sad. It's totally due to our lack of time together without the children. But they are little, and my older one is very anxious and very attached to me. So I'm with them all of the time. Yes, this time will pass, but it's tough on our relationship. Our friendship. He is tense from trying to balance work and home. He gets frustrated with our messy house. Our daughter's tendency to insist that I help her with things and not him gets him down. And so forth.

It's all tiring, and it's all coming up probably because of M's illness. It'll restuff. I look forward to it restuffing. And I think it's evil that it visited me in the night. But perhaps writing about it helps. So thanks for letting me share. Here's my stomping it all back in. STOMPSTOMPSTOMP!!!!!



  1. Aww Dais, I know that feeling of waking up in the middle of the night and just thinking. Sorry you've got so much going on.

    I am not sure what to say about the first two things, but about your relationship, it will get better once things let up for you two. Having a young family is hard, and there are so many things to think about, so many little stressors. Hang in there, sweetie, you are doing great. *hugs*

  2. Totally get it. I have a friend (52 yrs old) dying of an unidentifiable and untreatable cancer. This has brought up some of my own junk about my parents. In the past eight years I have lost both of my parents (dad almost 8 years ago and mom 3 years ago- both of cancer- both of which we took care of at home)and I too wonder what it would have been like. Would they think we were doing a good job, would they laugh at his antics or just love him for being their grandchild. I try to avoid living my life with regrets as you loose so much time being unhappy but I do think about what life would have been like if we had kids earlier, would I be the person I am today, would I like myself more or less or regret not doing some of the amazing things I have had an opportunity to do. All I can say things will continue to visit you at night because you are relaxed - give your thoughts their due time each day (or whatever time you need)and then tell these thoughts you have spent enough of the day on them and it is time to do something else. Wishing you luck in this process and your friend luck with her treatment and recovery.

  3. Oh, Dais, your mom would love your beautiful children and she would be so extremely proud of the mother you are. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT! I have no idea if that makes you feel better, but it is true and I felt compelled to say it. I can't imagine the pain, though, that you feel. :( Wanna go out this week and chat?

    {{BIG HUG}}

  4. I'm single-parenting until tomorrow night, but I will respond to these kind messages as soon as I am able. Thank you, Debbie and Melissa. Thanks, also, to my friends, D and M, who responded privately. It is much appreciate