Processing

Last night I woke up during the night with my head filled with sadness and fear. I had several emotional experiences crossing paths at the same time. Why my head chose to process all of these things last night I don't really know. But there it was. In the night I decided (as I've done before) that I should let someone professional help me process all of these things so that I can move forward with a clear(er) head. Then daylight comes, and I talk myself out of it again. Here's what passed through my head:

My mother's passing. I still can't say the "d" word, though my head can think it now without making me want to fall apart. Progress. And that only took 9 years (almost.) I accept the changes that has brought to my life. Of course. I have had no choice. But there are things that bring up sadness in me. Having kids makes me wonder what I was like as a baby, as a toddler, as a little girl. Was I like either of my kids? I would love to know that. I would love to talk with my mom about being a stay-home mom. It would be really neat to bond in that way. My father doesn't remember. And of course he had a different relationship with us kids than my mom did. I also have some unresolved issues with her. Who doesn't have unresolved issues with someone who has passed? But I was angry about some stuff, and perhaps with more time that could have been resolved. I also would simply have loved for her to know my kids, and vice versa. It ticks me off no end that the kids know the other grandparents so well. It just doesn't seem fair. But I am so very glad that they know and love my father, and vice versa. But for reasons I don't quite understand, he doesn't like to come up here. He will, once in a while. He comes for the kids' birthday parties. But he literally will come up, stay for the party, and leave. Driving 3 hours each way. Once in a great while he'll stay at a hotel over night, but it's still a really quick trip. It's weird. Anyhow. So I've got some issues there. And my father just turned 89 years old. Damn time!!

Then there's my friend's recent diagnosis of cancer. That really freaked me out. Really. Freaked. Me. Out. It scared me. It somehow really hit home for me how vulnerable we are as human beings. Suddenly I was scared to death that I had cancer. I felt so scared for her! And I think it brought back some stuff from my mom's illness. Awful. Just awful. And doing as much as I could think to do for my friend has not really relieved my fear and sadness. I did what I could think of to help her, then she informed us what her cancer was. I read about it a bit, and I was sick to my stomach all over again. I feel helpless, and it's terrifying.

And my relationship has some strain. Nothing too serious. But it's there, and it makes me sad. It's totally due to our lack of time together without the children. But they are little, and my older one is very anxious and very attached to me. So I'm with them all of the time. Yes, this time will pass, but it's tough on our relationship. Our friendship. He is tense from trying to balance work and home. He gets frustrated with our messy house. Our daughter's tendency to insist that I help her with things and not him gets him down. And so forth.

It's all tiring, and it's all coming up probably because of M's illness. It'll restuff. I look forward to it restuffing. And I think it's evil that it visited me in the night. But perhaps writing about it helps. So thanks for letting me share. Here's my stomping it all back in. STOMPSTOMPSTOMP!!!!!

Phew.