Selective Mutism At My House - From Sick Back To Anxious

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Letter To A Friend (Re: Child-Rearing/Anxiety)

A friend and I talk often about parenting, and the decisions that are presented to us every day. In response to a thoughtful letter she wrote me, I wrote the following. I'm sharing it because it actually made me feel better to write down my thoughts. I am always open to your responses, whether similar or vastly different. Perhaps journaling (in addition to blogging!) would help me to sort some of this stuff and relieve some of my stress. In my spare time!! =)


Hi (friend),

I have been thinking about how to present my thought on all of this since I read your message yesterday.

Let me start by saying that I have always been of the mind that a child should have an opinion and options in all situations unless unsafe or unrealistic. That being said, I have found many situations where this approach didn't always work. 

How to expand on that? Well, for one, there have been many, many times when my father has made comments to me and (hubby) that "what (DD) wants, (DD) gets." Yes, I have enough self-confidence in my feelings about parenting that I hear him but do what I feel is best. But I HEAR him, and I think about it. 

And there have been situations more recently that have made involving her in every decision a bit of a challenge. She has taken to refusing to go out unless it is to her choice of destination, for example. Adjusting to having to go to school when she didn't want to was almost too high a mountain to climb. 

As much as I, and I believe most, parents would like to have the time and patience to review every situation with our kids and to process with them for as long as it takes for him or her to feel heard and to come to an understanding, it simply isn't possible all of the time. Lord knows I am not the most patient person in the world, and I would feel better about myself if I took more time to review things with my kids. The reality is that I am impatient, get frustrated easily, and expect my kids to accept and move on more than is ideal. 

So! When I am faced with something like the school situation, I am always conflicted!! I HATE that (DD) feels sad and stressed and nervous about going to school. It breaks my heart every day, even all summer! I hate it. At the same time, I NEED a little space from her in order to regroup and recharge. I have learned the hard way that if I don't get any space, I take it out on HER. And then feel horrible, and on and on. 

The answers are never easy! I have and do wonder if homeschooling would be good for us, but I also see how (DD) lights up when she is around other people, both kids and adults, and she just wouldn't get as much of that if she was taught at home. For every day that I took her to school sad and scared, she came home saying she had a good day, and sang songs from school and talked about cool things she did that day. Ak! 

(DD) has transition issues. I have been told again and again that after a few minutes of being upset, MOST of the time (DD) calms down and joins in whatever is going on. She still talks about fun things she did at Tiny Tots camp last summer. She LOVED her pre-k teacher. So what do I do?

I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing by pushing her through the rough spots. I tell myself that I am helping (DD) to live in the "real" world by urging her to face her anxieties a bit, so that larger anxieties later in life won't broad side her. 

Do I hate the idea of leaving her crying? (Friend), it rips my heart out. The stupid school asked me for permission to take her in kicking and screaming. I hate that. But the alternative is to sit in the car with a progressively upset child who becomes more and more unwilling to get out and face her day, has her anxiety relieved by returning home, and an increased belief that school is an impossible hurdle. My daughter needs a push. And I had to learn that the hard way!!!!!!! I don't like being the pusher!!! In pre-k, (Hubby) had to take her to school for a week, as (DD) and I were too intertwined to reach our goal of a successful transition to school. This is hard for me!!!!!!! But having a child who does not have the same kind of anxiety, who walks unafraid into a new situation, actually makes the job a little easier. I can see more clearly that I am not pushing my un-ready child into the fire, I am helping my healthy child with out of control anxiety to pop over the top of the hill, after which she is very likely to coast down the other side. Does that make it easier? Sighs. Only a little. 

The fact is, I am fried. I am TIRED. My body hurts. My relationship is a far distance from what we want it to be. So I'm not doing things in a way that is perfect for me, or her, or the rest of us. I am making decisions on the fly every day. And I go to bed absolutely whipped every night. And wake up tired. I don't know all the answers. And I carry the weight of these things maybe more than most, due to my own anxiety issues. And (Hubby) doesn't deal well with anxiety, either. So we've kind of got the cards stacked against us with this stuff! But we carry on.

And yes, with two parents, you have two opinions, and it is inevitable they will conflict now and then. But perhaps having both helps a child to be more well-rounded. Sounds good, right? ;)

(DD), in some ways, holds me hostage because I am so hesitant to do things she's not comfortable with. That's not healthy for either of us. I rarely go out because she doesn't want to be away from me. (Hubby) and I very rarely go out, because she's anxious about baby sitters. While on our trip, she wouldn't sit at a dinner table while I went to get my food. She had to walk with me every where I went. On one side, I don't want her to be anxious so I tell her where I'm going all the time. On the other hand, I can't do a thing on my own! So where do you draw the line?

Sighs. 

(Signed, me)

Montessori - Latest visit

So we visited. This morning. For an hour and a half.

Let's just say the teacher and Head of School got a good idea of what they may be up against in the first weeks of school. Hm.

At the moment, they have camp going on in the classroom where DD will have school. The room was filled with quiet, busy children. DS marched right in, as is his style. DD timidly followed him. The HOS had informed the teacher that DD would be coming in, so she made a point to come spend time with us. DD from the start was more timid with both of them than the last time. The teacher attempted several times to engage DD in conversation, with little response. She did sit with the two of them and engaged in the "work" that DS had chosen. (A bead-stacking game) I scootched back a bit to try to give them a little space. DD was very aware of my every movement! At one point the HOS asked me to come meet with her in her office. DD would have none of that. She informed me that she would be coming with me. The HOS decided to wait on the meeting. I decided to walk around the room, and informed DD that I was doing so. She insisted on going with me, even though I informed her I'd be in her line of sight at all times. The teacher than informed DD that I would be going into a meeting, and DD threw a fit. She insisted on going, too. She was informed that she would need to sit outside the door. When the teacher attempted to close the door, DD pitched a fit. I suggested we leave the door open a crack, and she agreed to that. While I spoke with the HOS, DD counted to 100 twice. She then informed me she had done so, and agreed to count again. Etc. Several times during the meeting, DS walked in, and was guided out again. Sighs. This just sucks! Anyhow, the HOS showed me a book on anxiety that she had bought, and gave it to me to borrow for two days. I like that she is doing her homework on this stuff. That's cool. And reassuring. The teacher seems more firm. The HOS asked me, point blank, if I would give the teacher permission to carry DD in to school on the first day if need be. I (sick to my stomach) said yes. Have I mentioned that this sucks?

Anyhow, that's how it went. The kids played on the playground for a few minutes after we left, and DS cried when we left saying he would miss the kids! Different kids!!

When we got home, I asked DD if, anxieties aside, she thought she could like the school. She said yes. And she is focusing (kudos to her!) on getting her own fish for the classroom fish tank, and did leave the school discussing that with the teacher, who said she couldn't wait to see it.

Blagh. Orientation night, for parents, on Thursday.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

School will be starting again soon. Very soon. 14 days. But writing that makes it feel as if it's not really that soon, so already I feel a bit better writing this down. But it's still looming. And I feel it in every cell of my body. Ugh.

Here's the deal. DD is extremely anxious about school. I have written a little about this before. She has what I call an unofficially diagnosed anxiety disorder. Whatever that means. What it means in real life is that she handles transitions differently than the "average" child. This is true for small transitions, such as a friend arriving or leaving, to huge transitions, such as starting a new school. She handles the smaller transitions by never saying hello or goodbye when people arrive or leave (that includes strangers or those who are close to her, including me.) She handles the bigger transitions in direct ways ("I won't be going to school) and indirect ways (large fear of needing to use the bathroom while at school, which became such an intense focus during the end of the last school year that it spanned the summer break.)

To add to this, DD is being parented by not one, but two people who also have some difficulty managing anxiety effectively. Ak! For my part, I'm not always sure I can make the best decisions for her based on my tendency to avoid stressful situations myself. I spend a lot of time processing and questioning every situation. I also come at all of this with a bit of impatience. Not lack of empathy. Of that I have plenty. But I do become impatient easily. And so.

This year, DD will be attending a new school. No, not the easiest thing for a child with transition issues. But I strongly feel that the potential benefits of the new school will make the transition worth while. I am so hopeful!!

When faced with a transition, I try to mentally pull myself back from the situation and look at it objectively. What makes a new situation less scary? Familiarity, right? So I've made it my job to help DD become familiar with the new school. I tried on four different occasions to get together with the family of another girl who attends the new school. When I visited the school with DD (the visits are normally drop-off, but not with DD! She would have none of that.) there were three girls who approached us, after we had been there for an hour, to gently say hello. There was one who especially impressed me as being someone that DD might bond with. I contacted her mother, who readily agreed to get together with us. But after four attempts, and four times of it not working out on their end, I gave up. Damn! I kept in close contact with the Head of School, and communicated openly with her about DD's anxieties and the potential for a difficult initial transition. She agreed with me that several visits to the school during the summer would be a good idea. This has translated into two visits (sighs,) the second of which is today. Just before the first visit a couple of weeks ago, the Head of School informed me that the Lower Elementary school teacher had announced that she was leaving. Ok, glad we didn't bond too much with her! The visit was scheduled on a day the new teacher would be there setting up. They had summer camp going on that day, and DD and DS got to see that in action. They were invited into the room with the kids, and DS quickly jumped in. In her style, DD followed him. I had that opportunity to talk with the new teacher, and the HOS, for a few minutes. DD came back to check in with me about once every two minutes. DS ignored me completely. Different kids!! The teacher made attempts to talk with DD, which were fairly successful. To her credit, she asked DD about things she was interested in, taking the spot light off of her. This is a very good tactic with DD, and she spoke freely about her garden and her cats. We had the opportunity to go out on the playground for a few minutes before leaving. DD very much wanted to go back in to say goodbye - a very good sign. I had spoken with the HOS about the camp program, and thought that it would be a very good thing for both kids to attend one week of camp. DD could get more used to the classroom she would be in, and she could be there with DS for the week. Can you guess how that went over? She flat out refused, saying she would just start school there. Ok.....

That visit was two weeks ago. In the meantime, we have had to purchase some supplies and start planning for the start of school. Of course this has meant increased anxiety on DD's part, and a few "I'm not going to school"s. And an increased concern about the bathroom.

You see, DD refuses to use the bathroom at school. Unless I'm there. Which I'm not. At the end of last school year, she was wearing a pull-up. No kidding. It was the difference between going to school a little tearful and nervous, and her having a full-out panic attack at drop-off. And this was a school she had been at for two years. It's not that she is unable. She is perfectly independent in this area at home, and often will insist on going on her own while we're out. (yay!) But not at school.

So yesterday I made the decision to offer her the pull-up option for the first week of school. Oh I didn't want to do that! But DD will also be asked to walk in to the school, from my car, with the teacher, and not me. And that's new. And scary. And huge. And after all, is it really that big a deal? Can we focus on a few mountains at a time? Will her stubborn-ness make that a bad decision in the long run? Will the new school make me proud of my decision and ease her anxiety enough to encourage her to face her fears in this area? At what point do I push? And how hard?

Let me add to all of this that DD also won't eat at school. Is this because eating results in need of the bathroom? Yes, probably. But she also doesn't like to do anything that people can watch her doing, without her approval, and that includes eating. This became an issue back in pre-k, at snack time. The kids were asked the "question of the day" while the ate, and DD refused both!

And so on.

So I'm a nervous wreck. And trying not to show it!! And of course kids are very aware.

To the school's credit, they are working with me to help her. The HOS bought a book on child anxiety. She has offered some ideas, such as suggesting DD have her own fish in the class fish tank. (Nice one! DD is very psyched about this!) And she has been very open to talking with me.

So today we visit again. And the countdown is on. Breathe in, breathe out. I just reminded her, and got an emphatic "No! I don't want to!" Ohhhhhhh.......