Just Stuff

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Blah

I've got the blahs.

Usually the blahs last for a few days, then my spirits start to lift again. This is an extended blah. And I'm having trouble moving past it this time.

Now I know me, and when it gets cold, I have to start making myself get outside every day, or I get seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and start to feel nervous, shaky, down.... I know from past winters that if I get out every day for at least 15 minutes, I can go the whole dark season without getting SAD. I don't think this is just SAD. First of all, it's early. It's usually February when I start to get the typical SAD symptoms. Secondly, this blah is a little different. I just feel discouraged. And lonely. And tired. I basically start to look forward to going to bed as soon as I wake up in the morning. That's depression.

So. I am a QMHP. (qualified mental health professional) So I should be able to make a treatment plan for myself. The tough part is sticking to it. But the first step is agreeing there's a problem. (I feel like dog doo) The second is making a plan to do something about it.

Service plan for WF 41 YO presenting with: Depression

Week 1: Get outside every day for a minimum of 15 minutes
              Exercise every other day for a minimum of 10 minutes (aerobic exercise)
              Make a social plan at least 1x/2 week period
              Get 8 hours of sleep every night

The third step is to implement it. Today I informed my family I was going for a walk. The kids ultimately decided they were going with me. After about 20 minutes of them "getting ready" while I waited, we headed out the door. Neither is enthusiastic about such things, but neither wanted to stay home with Papa, so they ended up walking to the end of the street with me. My DD decided to "beat us home" and ran back. Awesome. I ended up carrying my DS, but he walked a good bit of the way. So we all got out. (Hubby too) It's a good start. Maybe I'll set up an incentive chart for myself. Childish, maybe, but it helps me. Maybe the social plan can be my reward.

Blah.

New Sewing Blog

I have started another blog. Yeah, I know. I'm a blogaholic. But this one will actually get a lot of use. Like this one. It's a showcase for the stuff I sew. And I sew nearly every day. It's my salvation. =)

If you're interested, you can check it out here. New Sewing Blog

Thanks.

Confused

Sometimes I wonder if challenges are placed in front of me for a reason.

I know that many people before me have wondered the same thing. Perhaps those with faith are more familiar with these feelings. I don't know. I am not a religious person, but I have spiritual ideas sometimes.

Perhaps it is like being in a giant maze. When we keep insisting on going down the "wrong" passageway, a wall is put up again and again, blocking us from moving forward, until we realize we have no other choice but to turn, one way or another.

My body hurts from hitting the walls.

My job at the moment is raising my children. And I work on it, day in, and day out, and sometimes during the night. I work hard. I allow myself little room for selfishness. I am trying, really trying, to be a good mother to my children. One has a real anxiety issue. It effects everything we all do, day after day after day. As with any "dis" ability I do my best to help her navigate these waters. And it's not easy. She hits those maze walls so much more often than the rest of us seem to. But she bounces back and tries again. And again. And again. So while I rub my bruises, I try to rub hers. To get in the way so she doesn't hit so often. To help her understand the need to regroup and set out again. And to go easy on herself. Add to that our little guy, who charges ahead in the maze, finds others along the way who want to and are willing to help him navigate his way, panics, and runs back to me and DD. And back, and forth... "Mama do it!" So to all of this bouncing and running and turning around in circles add DH, who jumps in every now and then, attempts to help with something, gets a double dose of Mama-do-it, gets frustrated, and flares up... and you've got the basic foundation of my every day life. It's like a dance. And it's all good. It's what I do!

So I try, like anyone, to find outlets. Things to help me recharge, so that I can go back in the ring with gusto. But for reasons I don't understand, the outlets I choose turn in to maze walls.

I want FRIENDS. This is the most confusing part of my current and recent life that I just don't understand. Don't get me wrong. I have some people. And some who genuinely show an interest in seeing me more than once a month. Ok, one. And that is nice, and I am most grateful. But I want more. I want to be part of the neighborhood bunch. There are a huge amount of families with small kids in the neighborhood, and so many of them are friends. Good friends. Why not me? It's not as if I'm not out there trying. In my capacity. No, I don't go out at night right now. And it's likely I won't for a while. No, I don't have a lot of time away from my children. But true friends don't care, they find time to be with you. I tried for months and months to invite people over for play dates. Every week. Sometimes twice a week. Some tried. But it got to the point where more often than not, no one came. And that depressed me, so I stopped inviting. The other day I took DS to a neighborhood play date, and there was a houseful. A HOUSEFUL. Just like that. Maybe it's because we don't go to the public schools. But that's not enough reason. Maybe it's because I'm shy. Maybemaybemaybe. The result is that I'm not IN.

I have found that my most peaceful time is my one hour a day that I spend alone. And that is not me. Not the happy, well-balanced me. But right now, my recharge time is spent along, in my basement, sewing. And I truly love it. I do. But the genuine me doesn't want an escape. So what's this about?

And I worry. For all the hard work that I feel that I do, day in and day out, I am given more to try to figure out. A relationship that has always come easily, with few bumps, is now much more confusing, painful, and filled with cracks. What does it mean? So I hide in my "work" and hope that things straighten themselves out.

And I worry about my father, who turns 90 in March. I think about him all the time. But to complicate even that, our relationship is odd. Not bad. It's good! He champions me more than anyone else in the world, and I him. But it's odd. And confusing. But he helps me to feel better about myself. Without many words, he just has a way of gently encouraging me to be better to myself. He tells me to be more selfish. Because I'm worth it. That's nice. That's really nice. I need someone to help me feel important. The others, family, are too far away to be involved in my life. I sometimes think, lately, of what it would be like to live near the others. Would I feel better? Probably. Why can't I create that for myself here?

So I feel burdened, and I feel that life is zooming by, and I feel that I'm missing something. And I don't know how to change it. And I wonder what the message is. What am I supposed to be doing? How do I achieve the balance I so badly yearn for? Am I supposed to stop seeking, and turn inward? Find peace in what I have and stop trying for something else? Why do I hurt? Why do I continue to want things I don't have? Isn't what I have good enough? I don't understand.

Inward

On the top of my blog, in my blurb, I mention that I find the world to be abrasive. When they were handing out bumpers, I must have been in the rest room. So things that would not bother most people, or not bother them much, get through to me, and hurt. Now I have lived with me for a long time. When you get bumped enough, you start to hold your hands out to ward off some of the incoming -whatever-. I have developed ways of managing. But I will always be me, and stuff still gets through.

When I started this blog, I began my mission to find ways to feel better. To find natural ways to take care of myself, and my family. And it has been helpful. Really. I am feeling a whole lot better, in general, than I was back then. It's a process.... but I stop and compare every now and then, and I'm much closer to being the balanced me I have been striving for. And there is no finish line. It's a lifestyle, and I'm happy with the direction I am taking. It's not just my physical self (or that of my kids,) it's my mental well-being, my sense of self.

I have always been someone who takes on the mood of the room. I learned a valuable lesson from a smart lady about 10 years ago. She said, "Don't ride the roller coaster." (Perhaps the smart lady will see and recognize this statement!) It applied to the situation at the time, but it has lasted me all this time, and I've said it in my head a thousand times. It means regardless of what is happening around you, take a step back and keep your head. Basically. And it works! If I really put my mind to it, that is.

So here I am in my current situation, applying it as needed. And that means finding ways to make myself happy, even when things are chaotic and less than stellar in my little corner of the world.

So inward I go. I mentally separate myself. Instead of seeking out people who will change my mood for me, I'm finding ways of doing so myself. This may seem obvious to many, maybe even most, but for someone like me, it's work. And it does help. But I have to remind myself to do it. It does not come naturally.

I was going to give examples here, but I keep erasing. I guess this is all I have to say about this for now!

This is not quite the post I wanted it to be, but I'm posting it anyway. Maybe I'll wrap my head around it and formulate some real thoughts, and maybe I won't. Whaddevah.

Exercise

I have been down this road before, and crashed and burned. I need to exercise. There simply isn't an excuse good enough not to, and the benefits are endless. Maybe I need to do what I did years before to help me change my lifestyle a bit. I literally wrote down daily internal and external benefits. And used other motivators. It worked. It really did. So perhaps I can use that again. And maybe using my connections on Facebook would help, too. People motivators. But the main motivator has to be me. So here goes for today.

I exercised for 10 minutes today. For five minutes, I jogged around the house while DS was sleeping. For another five, I walked up and down the stairs. Then I stopped.

Internal benefits:

I got warm pretty fast! I had to shed my fleece, that I had been wearing all day.
My legs got a little sore. Wow, how quickly muscles get weak!
Exercise produces endorphins, and as we head toward S.A.D season, we need all the endorphins we can get.

External benefits:

The cats thought I had lost my marbles, which amused me no end.

I'd love to hear from anyone who needs a boost in this department, too. I am 41 years old and get no regular exercise. I read every day about illnesses and cancers and problems and depression, and many natural, easy, healthy ways to combat them. I can do this. It beats the (possible) alternatives......

Just Stuff

It is that time of year in this area of the world for all of the S.A.D types, like me, to start getting out in the light. Yeah, I get seasonal affective disorder, which for me usually means feeling agitated for no reason, lasting for about a week. I have come to find that if I walk most days for about 15 minutes, I can go the entire season without this weird physical reaction to the lack of outdoor time and light. But I've run into a snag. My children freak out if I leave them. Even if it means going around the stupid block for a walk. So here I sit in the basement of my house, in a room with no windows. Not a good solution to my impending jitters. And it's gonna be a bad one this year, if my instinct is on. I feel it. I have been blue anyway, a result of the stress that comes with being a full time me to a bunch of people and animals, two of whom have anxiety issues of their own. Sigh. So. The trick is to achieve what I need while balancing and managing what they all need, or think they need, too. I did, in fact, get outside today. We had friends over, and spent some time in the back yard. So that counts. Exercise? No. But that will have to be done at another time. hm. Ok, so involve the kids in that, too, somehow. DD would love to go to the YMCA. DS? Not so much. Go without him? Not likely. He's in his own little panic-mode at the moment. Hard to move these days. I feel strongly that taking DS to school for two days had a terrible effect on him, even though I was there in the next room. He hated it. Today at a library program he charged into the fray, as is his style, but after a couple of minutes, looked for me in a mini-panic. He again charged into the situation, but a couple of minutes later needed to check in with me. He was never like this before school. Oh, and he has not attempted the bathroom a single time since school, something he was doing on his own once every couple of days before then. So my needs, whatever they be at any given time, need to be snuck in there with the needs of the others. I can do this.

As I write this, my kids are yelling down to me. They know my "break" ends in the next couple of minutes. I can be in the basement, but not outside.

I'm tired of the things that have brought me some meaning in the last months. I get so excited to list something in my Etsy shop, and become so disappointed when there is little to no interest in what I make. Then I wonder why I bother with it. Because it's fun, in a way. But the let down is not fun. So instead of creating and piling up all these random things that sit in my sewing room collecting dust, I need to refocus my efforts. I love to sew.  But I want to sew for my family. And that's it. Subject to change without notice! But really. Why bother with the rest of it? It's just frustrating.

My break has ended. I need to stop here. I'll post, because I don't know if I'll remember to or want to continue with this mind-stream.

Another mood for another day. Bye.

Random Life Update

I don't have anything particular to write about. I just sort of feel like rambling on about this and that. It helps me to sort it all out.

I remember when I was in high school, I used to go up to visit with the school nurse, who was a really cool lady named Joyce. (I have never met a Joyce I didn't like, now that I think about it) She was just one of those people who would ask how you are, then keep asking questions to keep you blabbering. By the time the conversation was done, I always felt .. well .. somehow more organized! I always imagined this disorganized, messy bookshelf that had gotten tipped over. When we were done talking, the book shelf was straightened up again. I think she was in the wrong field. =)

Anyhow, occasionally I just feeling like "straightening up" by blabbering about this and that. So here goes, in no particular order.

*School starts next week. My neck is in an almost chronic state of tightness because of this fact. DD sways between "I told you, I am NOT going to school" and being excited by some aspect of it, such as the fish she has been invited to bring to add to the classroom tank. Her tension comes out in other ways, too. She has to know where I am ALL the time. She asks me all the time where I am, even if I am in the next room. She has to tell me when she is going to use the bathroom. She complains about belly aches a lot, especially in the evening as I go to take my evening "break" of one hour, which is nearly always in the house, upstairs. She has started to go through a ritual with this, telling me her plan of action if she does get a belly ache. It's the same each time. I have seen her develop rituals in the past. It gives her comfort. Personally, I look forward to the first day being over! (Not to mention the first week...) I hate to wish our lives away. But this is a tension that will be nice to have behind us.

*I am still tired absolutely all the time. I don't know what the hell to do about it except to deal. I know I need more recharge time. It ain't easy. I could push it, and probably should. But DD's anxiety issues make this hard, and hubby's quick temper with DD does too. More exercise would certainly be a good thing. But other than my one hour evening break, and the occasional weekend breaks, I am with the kids all the time. If I start to exercise in front of the Wii, they join in for a few minutes (great!) then take over. Today, which the kids were playing outside, I got on the trampoline. My dear son, usually so sweet, told me to get off, it is THEIR trampoline! Wowow! =( My diet sucks. That's another thing I could change. My biggest desire would be to have more friends. That's what it always comes down to. I am a people-person, and I am simply happier when I have people around me. I have huge stretches of time without other adults, and it makes me depressed. People are always saying that yeah, we should get together, but no one ever initiates with me. And I get tired of doing all the inviting, ya know?

*I love sewing. It makes me happy. I've always loved creating things, but this is the craft that has stuck with me the longest. It brings me a lot of happiness. So I do it a lot.

*I am happy that fall is coming around the corner. I really dread winter. But I love the fall. That boosts my spirits a little.

*My skin continues to improve with my current supplements and essential oils. That is wonderful. Just wonderful.

*I have mixed feelings about DS going to school this year. I know he'll love it, and that's why I did it. And I cannot WAIT to have some me time. I am long and desperately overdue. But I will miss him. He is my baby. After him, no more babies. Sad.

*Hubby feels the pressure of our expensive lives. He wants me to start bringing in income, as soon as I can. I want to, but I also want a little time to get myself back from the abyss that I feel I live in all the time now. And I don't know what to do for work. He sometimes says it would be helpful for me to work with him, and sometimes implies that it wouldn't work. I hated my former work. I want to develop a website for those with serious diseases, to help them find the resources they need. How do I do this and make a living at it? I am starting to look in to this. But I'll probably need something more reliable for a while.

*I need something(s) to feel excited about. I wish I knew where to start.

My "break" is ending.

Holistic Health Management - Another Attempt At Finding a Guide

I am trying to restore my health, physical and emotional, through natural means. I am fairly new to it, and am hoping to find someone to help guide me. I tried the Natural Health Improvement Center in a nearby town, and after finding myself "detoxing" with strong stomach discomfort without knowledge of what was going on and what the goals for me were, I decided that it was not for me! But I'm feeling tired and crummy and tense and down and in the need of serious recharging. While some of the ways of achieving that are pretty obvious, others are not so clear to me, and so.

Yesterday I went to a center in town which houses a large number of holistic practitioners with many different areas of expertise. The one I sought out is a woman who, among other things, practices acupuncture and Chinese medicine. I looked her up after several people, from Holistic Moms Network and other places, recommended Chinese medicine as a good approach to seeking good health through holistic means. And I really would like someone who is knowledgeable in the areas of health management that I am interested in and am currently using to help guide me in my efforts.

The woman I met with is knowledgeable in acupuncture (which I've never had,) Chinese herbs (no experience here either,) movement (yoga and another I can never remember the name of. I have done yoga many times and love it) aromatherapy (I have been dabbling with essential oils for a few months now) and Eastern nutrition (whatever that is.)

For starters, I have to tell you that I was with this woman for 2 1/2 hours. She was thorough. I started by completing paperwork, which took a while. Health history and whatnot. I sat in the hallway in an upholstered chair with muted colors all around, and soft music. She then took the paperwork, left me in the hall, and went over the paperwork by herself. We then talked about what she does, and she drew me some diagrams of basic Chinese medicine principles. (I couldn't reproduce that for you if I tried, but maybe I can find a good link...) She talked about yin and yang (which she pronounced yong) and the seasons, and the body. She seemed to think that most of my complains were in two general, related areas. She then did a demonstration of acupuncture on herself, then treated me. Acupuncture was about what I expected. I really didn't feel anything other that some localized itching around two of the needles. She explained that the itching is due to "heat" coming out, or through, or something. She then jabbed another needle in one of my toes (ouch!) which took the itching away. :/ Anyhow, I don't know about anything else, but it WAS nice to just lie there and think my thoughts for a while!

She informed me that she will begin with Eastern nutrition, then as we meet over time, she'll introduce other areas of interest. She looked at my tongue (?) and told me that I need more fluid, in the form of water and vegetables (veggies, she explained, are like a time-release water source) She asked me to keep a food journal, keeping careful note of the time I eat things. She asked me to note any changes in myself, in any aspect of my being. And she informed me that future meetings, which would initially be twice a month, would be for about 1.25 hours each. I have to say that appeals to me, for the break from my reality it will give me!

And she sent me on my way. So..... so far so good I guess. She is going to help me with essential oils, and informed me that from a Chinese medicine perspective, the oils are very strong, and should be used sparingly. She said that rather than use them daily, they might, for example, be used three times a week for two weeks, then take 2-3 weeks off. Interesting.

I look forward to learning about the movement.

Infinity/Convertible Dress - Sewing Tutorial

I found a free online tutorial for a dress. Now, I am not a dress wearer. It is truly a rare occasion. I do enjoy wearing skirts when I"m in the mood, but even that is not frequently. But after reading this tutorial, I couldn't keep myself from making one. I don't know why. It just pulled at me for some reason. So before I could talk myself out of it, I ordered a whole bunch of fabric online. Now I was committed!

First things first, let me give credit where credit is due. Here is the link to the tutorial I followed: Infinity Dress Tutorial

I then found a blog which also covers this tutorial, with some additional helpful information thrown in: Blog of Tutorial

Here is a picture of the dress I made in ONE hour!

And here's how you do it!

Find yourself some nice, stretchy fabric. At least 40% stretch is recommended.

You will need four pieces to make this dress. A circle for the skirt, two loooooong pieces for the straps, and a strip for the waist band.

Circle: Measure your waist and divide this number by 6.28. (Read about it in the original tute) Now determine the length you want the skirt part to be. Add the two numbers. Now create a pattern piece for your skirt. You will probably need to create a half circle pattern piece, then either fold your fabric double to create a circle, or cut two half-circles (if you are tall or have fabric that is not wide enough) and sew them together. So.... make one of these:

The small cut out is the waist of your skirt. Take the first measurement number you came up with, your waist measurement divided by 6.28. Using a string the same length as that number and a pen(cil), draw an arc. Then measure another string the length of your skirt PLUS the number you came up with for the waist. Measure from the same starting point on the material (which, by the way, can be interfacing, poster board, cardboard, whatever you can come up with!) and draw another arc. Cut on both lines, and you will have created the pattern piece for your skirt. 

(Questions?)

Straps: You will want the pieces to be 1 1/2 times your height (yeah, really!) The width will be the measurement from the middle of your rib cage to beneath your under arm. Yep, these are LONG pieces.

Waistband: The waistband should be about 2" long by the measurement of your waist. You'll want to measure it so that the stretchiest direction of the fabric goes around your waist. Know what I mean?

Ok. Now lay the skirt piece with the WRONG side UP. You'll be stitching on the inside. You will lay your two strap pieces with RIGHT sides UP. Overlap the strap pieces on one end by about 3-4". The raw edges of the straps will go right up against the raw edge of the waist. 

Now, take the waist band piece and fold it in half lengthwise. This part has confused a lot of people, so please take note. The waist band will not be seen when the dress is completed. It is stitched to the INSIDE of the waist, mostly for structural integrity. This part might seem odd, but it works. Have faith! Starting where the two straps overlap, place the raw edges of the waistband piece along with the raw edges of the waist and strap edges. You will have five layers of fabric at the starting point. Stitch the waist band all the way around the waist, overlap just a little bit when you get back to your starting point, and finish. 

Flip your dress right side out...

...and try it on! There are a few ways to wrap the straps. Go to the two links above for ideas. 

And now...take a bow!

Paperback Book Swapping

One of the ways I reduce stress and transition from day to night is to read. I have been reading before bed for most of my life. My parents always read before bed, and I took to it so much that it is simply what I do. It is part of the routine. And I love it. It takes me away for a while.

The other day, a friend of mine posted on Facebook about this website called PaperbackSwap. It is a place for people to go to offer and request used books. The books come from members all over the country, who are simply looking to trade. The service is completely free. When someone requests a book from you, you pay for the shipping costs. When you request a book, the sender pays the shipping costs. An added bonus (I LOVE this) is that you can set up an account on the site and print the shipping label at home, even if it's over 13 oz. And the paper with the shipping label on it becomes the wrapper! Too easy.

Anyhow, I think it's great. I have had 3 book requests within the two days I've been a member, and I've requested two. You receive a credit, good for 1 book, after listing 10 that you have for offer, and for each book that you send out. You use one per request. You can also list or request hard cover books and audio books. (audio books "cost" 2 credits.)

Oh, and if you're looking for a book not currently listed by a member, you are placed on a waiting list, and you can see what number you are in line for each book.

It's worth checking out: PAPERBACK BOOK SWAP

GAPS Progress

I have decided to keep a log of my progress with the GAPS diet and how I am feeling. Maybe not so interesting to you, but it will help to keep me motivated and organized with all of this.

Just to add to the mix, I have also started taking B-complex vitamins. I am already taking a probiotic once a day, calcium, vitamin D, multivitamins and fish oil.

Day 1: One slice sprouted grain bread. Not on GAPS, but eaten prior to commitment. Coffee with non-dairy creamer and honey. Canned chicken noodle soup. (also eaten before commitment) hummus and vegetables for lunch. Pork and turnip greens for dinner. Guacamole with veggies for evening snack.

Feeling: I slept very long and well last night. Felt baseline tired. Better than the complete exhaustion I have been feeling.

Day 2: Coffee with creamer and honey. Black beans with seasonings and olive oil. Banana Lunch - asparagus with seasoning, almonds. Oranges. Dinner - hubby loves me! He made a fantastic salad with turkey and swiss cheese, and lots of veggies and a fermented dressing! YUM.

Feeling: DS woke up hungry just after 4am. Went back to sleep with him from about 6am-7:30am. Tired from that. But not feeling miserable. Doing well with diet today. A little bit of energy/enthusiasm. A little. But that's an improvement!

Day 3: Coffee with milk today (ran out of creamer) I hate milk, so I only used a little. I also dislike this honey, bleh. Great way to wean. (ha) Breakfast - left over fabulous salad from last night. Delicious and filling. Mid-morning snack - almonds. Lunch - swiss cheese slices, yogurt (just read that this is contraindicated, whoops), one taste of peanut butter before I realized it had fillers that aren't ok), red grapes. Snack - grapes, cheddar cheese. Dinner - Hubby made GAPS friendly chili. YUM. Feels good to feel full after dinner. I seem to have trouble achieving that during the day now.

Feeling: Started off pretty well. My spirits seem to be rising. I'm actually thinking of some fun stuff we could do today instead of dreading the day. Not bounding with enthusiasm, but not hating my fate, either. Progress. Day filled with friends = fun and good spirits all around. I'm starting to get that hungry feeling that comes with any diet. I hate that. But hubby is bringing home more nuts and nibbles. Hope it helps. Bonus: the kids eat more healthy snacks as a result of this diet. Getting weird periodic BO every day for the last 3 or 4 days. It happened once before several days ago. Doesn't seem to be due to heat or anxiety. Part of my imbalance. Embarrassing. Comes and goes seemingly randomly.

Day 4: Breakfast - Coffee, canned chicken (supposed to be fresh or frozen,,,,babysteps!) with celery and a little fermented dressing, almonds, melon. Lunch - seasoned white navy beans and canned beets (supposed to be fresh or frozen, oh well) A small square of cheese, unknown type. I am full, and so happy to be!

Feeling: Hungry. Tired today, but a more normal SAHP tired. DS has been sleeping restlessly. He has a tendency to not want to eat at dinner time, so he wakes up hungry during the very early morning. Hubby really pushed him to eat last night, so he slept better, but was up before 7am after conking out a little early after having no nap yesterday. Feeling that I need a break from the kids. =( Feeling quite a bit better after eating lunch. I am full, and my mood is a bit better. Still don't feel like tackling the world, but I'm WILLING to. Ended up spending hours outside at a park, which was great. Need to do more of that. Still very tired coming home, but pleased with the day. BO again... weird. But the bloating I was getting after eating anything before GAPS has not returned at all.

Day 5: Breakfast - coffee, small amount of scrambled eggs. Seasoned navy beans with cheddar cheese. Lunch - swiss cheese (quite a bit), almonds Dinner - take-out BBQ. I ate various meats and collard greens.

Feeling: Sluggish start. DD not feeling well. Another day inside. Sighs. I am feeling very grateful for my husband. He has been so helpful with this diet! He is cooking GAPS friendly meals for me every night. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I am feeling conflicted about whether to stick with the diet on our vacation next week or not. He responded immediately that there would be many options for me, and that if it would help, he would follow the diet with me as well. Wow! I really went from feeling like I might forget the diet for the week, to feeling regained confidence that I should stick with it. Thank you hubby! =) Spent the afternoon in the house while DD watched tv, then fell asleep. Feeling content.

Day 6: Breakfast - Coffee w/creamer and honey, navy beans, cheddar cheese, fermented dressing. Some banana. Content. Lunch - Subway sub without the bread! Basically a salad, with turkey, cheese, and tons of veggies, including hot peppers. Yummy. Didn't use dressing. Snack - swiss cheese Very full. Dinner - King crab! with butter. asparagus

Feeling: Frenzied. Kids are very needy this a.m. Crisis cleaning for DD's guest. Tired, even after conking out very early with the kids. Pretty good day. Needy DD, but happy with a play date. Got out for an hour by myself - most lovely. I think I'm gaining weight!

Day 7: Breakfast - Coffee (read the GAPS foods list a little more carefully yesterday and realized that coffee is on the list!!! It's supposed to be weak, but hey, it's on there!!! So it's only the creamer that is a no-no.) Seasoned navy beans with cheddar cheese. Lunch - more beans, canned chicken, a little fermented dressing. It was at lunch today that I started to add hubby's bone broth (beef) to my food. I tried drinking it but didn't prefer it that way. Snack - bananas and peanut butter. Dinner - a huge pile of string beans, corn with butter, salad with cheese added and fermented dressing. Bone broth in there, too. Just getting small amounts now. I'll have to get used to it. It's good, just bland. Better mixed in. Evening snack - melon

Feeling: Not bad. I actually got up before the rest of the family and had a few (very few, but I'll take it!) minutes to myself. I hate Mondays in general, and always start the week off with a deep sigh, but all things considered, I feel pretty good. Spend the morning at the park. Kids were happy - me too. Home to watch a movie, put the kids in the tub, and basically hung out. Pretty content. Mood has been unusually positive today. (for lately. I am a positive person, just not lately.)

Day 8: Breakfast - coffee, a coupla pistachios, chick peas (can I have that? Shoot...I think not maybe. Only had one bite) Nope, threw it out! Try again. Nuts, cheese. Blah. Lunch - lettuce mix, swiss cheese, bone broth, fermented dressing. Tired of the dressing flavor now. Need a break from it. Very surprising how full I am after one bowl of salad with no veggies added! I was hungry, too. The fullness was more like bloating, which lasted a while, then went away. Weird! Snack - popcorn with butter and salt Dinner - Chicken Tangene (chicken, onion, olive oil, garlic, cinnamon, ginger, olives, pepper) polenta (just looked on the foods list for corn, I"m not supposed to be eating it! I've been eating corn on the cob, popcorn and now polenta. SHOOT! =( lentils, (beef stock, curry powder) Very good, filling meal. Wish I'd realized about the corn.

Feeling: Tired, blah. Kids being basically good, but resistant to getting out. Annoying. Got out, kids happy. I felt better being out, too. Kids were very good at grocery store. Kinda blah, but doing ok. Afternoon inside, which is ok. Slowly getting things done. Tired. We ended up spending the afternoon in. The kids watched a lot of tv. Still kinda tired.

Day 9: Breakfast - coffee. Seasoned lentils. Lunch - canned chicken, seasoned lentils, bone broth, hot sauce. Hated it, threw most of it out. Pineapple. Snack - swiss cheese, celery with peanut butter.

Feeling: Tired. I had trouble falling asleep, which is very unusual for me these days! Weird. Also, lots of my "symptoms" presenting this morning. Itchy scalp, bloated feeling after supplements, carpal tunnel flare up. Into the afternoon, tired and bored of the summer (non) routine. Kids, too. Went out for a bit. Stomach so empty it hurt. Had a snack upon return. Stomach bloated and uncomfortable, don't feel full. Not a happy body today. Not a happy mood today, either.

Day 10: Breakfast - Coffee, banana, swiss cheese. Lunch - seasoned black beans (not on good foods list OR bad foods list, so I'm eatin' 'em!) kiwi, seasoned asparagus. A bit of pear. Left over coffee from this a.m. Happy with my lunch. Snack - swiss cheese, peanut butter Dinner - salad with veggies and dressing. Peanut butter. Blah. Tired of this diet.

Feeling: Worn down, the usual. But getting excited for our trip. Nice to feel excited about anything. Belly has been feeling a little weird. Hungry, then overly full after I eat. Not enjoying that aspect of this. But I feed myself better at some meals than others, too. Mood is fair - pretty good. Evening - a little irritable, just want to be home. Getting annoyed with the diet. Unsatisfied.

Day 11: Breakfast - left-over salad. Lunch - canned chicken with onion, pepper and peas. Good.

Feeling: Mixed. I slept long last night. I'm always tired and I am today. Lots to do today...feeling excited for trip but I HATE packing. Ok with diet today so far. While the weird random body odor has seemed to stay away for a day or two, I am getting hot flashes! Could it be? Or is it PMS? Sighs.

I quit the diet. I miss carbs. I don't feel any more awake or any less symptomatic, and I'm going on a cruise in two days, and I don't want to be on a diet while cruising. If I really felt it was making any kind of difference, I would be motivated, but I don't, and I want to enjoy myself while on vacation. If that seems like a cop-out, I'm sorry. But I feel good about it. The only difference I felt was the addition of hunger pangs to all of my other *stuff* and that sucked. Anyhow, that's the deal. Cheers! (raising my NON-GAPS bottle-o-booze!!)

GAPS Diet - Healing Myself Through Food

I am putting myself on the GAPS diet.

For those unfamiliar, here is the LINK to the GAPSdiet page. In a nutshell, it's a diet designed for those with digestive issues, and it is supposed to "heal" the gut, so that over time, a person is able to tolerate foods that they cannot currently.

I am using it for other reasons. I have become so worn down that I find I cannot enjoy myself. I have little energy, little enthusiasm. I have a rash on my scalp that I am unable to get rid of. I have body odor for no reason. I could easily fall asleep at just about any time of the day, including just after waking up in the morning-even after a "good" night's sleep. I have been feeling bloated often, typically after eating, even if it's a small amount.

And that just ain't me. I miss feeling good! I want to wake up psyched every day. I want it back!

I believe we can make ourselves feel better as long as we have some clue as to how to get there. For some reason, obvious things can be so hard to achieve. Exercise makes us feel better. Duh. Do I exercise? Hardly. Eating garbage will likely make us feel like garbage. Do I eat garbage? I do. Staying inside all day can make us feel down and unmotivated. Do I spend a lot of time inside? I do! It's hard to change!!

But feeling like this stinks, and so I am motivated. My only indulgence over the last two days has been my morning coffee, which includes non-dairy creamer and honey. Yes, badbadbad, but it's a process. (I know, I always say that, but c'mon, I can't deal with a diet change and caffeine withdrawal all at once - I will fail!) Other than my coffee and one slice of sprouted-grain bread yesterday morning (before I had decided to commit to this,) I have eaten only what is on the Recommended Foods list on the GAPS diet website. And by some miracle, I actually feel full and satisfied. At least at the moment. I hate diets. Make no mistake! I am always hungry, which I hate. But the one thing I like about the GAPS diet is that there is a long list of foods that are ok. It's much easier to refer to that than to try to eliminate one or two things from my diet, such as gluten or milk.

So here goes nothing. I feel that I can only go up from here! I will blog my progress, for anyone interested. And for motivation.

And I am most fortunate (as I do not like to cook) that hubby really enjoys cooking, and is enthusiastic about making bone broths, which are strongly recommended for this diet.

Wish me luck.

Passwords Are A Pain In The...

Oh passwords drive me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There has got to be a better way. I am an online kid. My entertainment and escape from my world is the couple of minutes I spend online here and there all day long. So it drives me absolutely crazy when I have to sign in and my password isn't accepted, or I can't remember what it is. Argh! I realize what they are for and why they are important, but man, what a pain. In fact, some of my passwords reflect my sentiments about passwords! Bitter, yes, but it really does cause me a few mood points when I have 1.5 minutes to check something, and in all that time all I get is "wrong username/password combination. Snarl.

General Life Update

My dear daughter: While doing a lot better than this time last week, some anxiety still remains. I'm so glad it's Friday! We've put a few things in place at home, which seem to be helping. We're getting up 15 minutes earlier in the morning. What a difference a few minutes makes - for ME! The kids benefit from a more relaxed me, and enjoy a slightly less frenetic pace in the morning. DD and I make a plan every day regarding her school bathroom anxiety. And we're ending nearly every day with a lavender bath.

Cats: The kittens had their first vet visit today, just to make sure they're doing alright. They are both healthy. 2 lbs each! =) They got their first shots and worm medication (precautionary-they tested negative). They're doing great.

Worms: I am hoping to put the wormies in their new, and vastly improved, home today.

Skin: My eczema is well under control using bergamot essential oil. Yeah!

DS's skin: Excellent. Hardly ever needs special attention anymore. Yippee!

Going to ride on Thomas the Tank Engine tomorrow. Can't wait for school to be over!

B.S.

B.S. confuses and offends me. It comes in many forms. Much of the time it's expected, but sometimes not. It is when it is unexpected that it sticks in my head, and I find the need to process it to death. If I can't make sense of something, it will bug me for time unending. A waste of time and brain power? Yeah, maybe. But it is what it is, and this stuff bugs me. Current b.s:

+I have a mother's helper who cleans my house and runs errands for me as needed. She and I have developed a "go with the flow" relationship. If she needs to change a day, no big deal, if I need something, she's pretty flexible. She has gotten into a routine with us, in a sense. When she cleans, she stays for 3 hours, and will get done whatever she can in that time. If something is not completed in that time, it's left undone. She has gotten rather casual about changing days/times. As a general rule I don't care. I truly don't.  But it has started to feel a little like she's taking advantage. When she grocery shops, she's gone for about 1.5 hours. I don't watch the clock. I just know that this is about how long it takes her, give or take a few minutes. When I first hired her, she quoted me a pay rate for shopping, and one for cleaning. One day that she shopped, for 1.5 hours, I rounded up and paid her a couple of bucks more. It then became an expectation that she would get that amount. Again, I really didn't and don't care. I am very grateful that she is willing to shop for me, and works pretty hard to get what I ask for. So yesterday she came to get the shopping list. She left, and I focused on other things. After an hour or so, I got on my bike. I was cruising through a nearby neighborhood, and was heading around a cul-de-sac. I noticed a car that looked like hers. I glanced and thought that the person looked like her, but dismissed it....sort of. I continued a loop around the neighborhood, and ran into the car again. (Not literally) This time I was pretty certain it was her. My head started to process. I decided that I would only care if she was dishonest about being there. I watched as she turned down my road, then followed a minute or two later. I arrived home, and walked in. She asked me if I had been running. "Biking," I said. "That was you?" she said before she could catch herself. "That was me," I said. "Did you see me?" she asked. "I did." End of conversation. She quickly informed me that hubby had paid her, said a couple other unrelated things, and dashed out the door. Ummmmm......

+I have been attending the Natural Health Improvement Center. I was eagerly following the program designed for me, until the multitude of supplements they had me on started making me physically sick. I informed them of this. I was taken off of them, then restarted on them again. I got sick again, and the recommendation for me was to stay off them a day or two and start them again. No discussion or explanation as to why this was a good idea. I did not restart the stuff a third time. I emailed the Center to say that I planned to stay off the stuff for at least the weekend or longer til I thought it all through. Not only was there no discussion about this, there was no response at all. Not good enough! I want to discontinue the program. I paid for several appts. in advance and am guessing they are not going to be keen on refunding my money.

+My daughter is extremely timid. She was recently involved in a program at school which involved meeting with adults to discuss poetry and exchange poems. She did not feel comfortable writing poems. She did attend every meeting and group. At the end of the weeks long program, there was a presentation, and she stood up with her class. She came home that day with an anthology. A really neat collection of letters and poems that the students and adults had shared with each other. I did not expect one written by or for my daughter, and there was none. On the very last page, there was a group photo of the Kindergarten class. It took me a minute, but I finally found my daughter in the picture, sitting under a table. (Comfort zone!) Beneath the photo was a list of every kids name, EXCEPT hers. There was the name of a child who wasn't in the picture. But not my daughter's. Huh? I emailed the head of school to ask why she wasn't mentioned. She wrote back immediately (to her credit) and apologized. Her excuses? 1) She didn't see her in the photo (so??) 2) She had counted the correct number of kids in the photo because she had accidentally counted an adult in the photo. 3) And I'm quoting here! Additionally,(DD) was not yet participating in the poem presentation when the program was printed a few days before. Had I known that she would decided to stand up with the group, I would have included her name there as well." Uh.....had she not participated, in her capacity, in every single part of the program from the start??


These are the top 3 b.s. contenders for the moment. 

Nothing Nothing Nothing

I have had nothing to say. Nothing. Not one inspiration. I think of it as my "maintenance" phase. At the voodoo center (as I call it - the Natural Health Improvement Center) a client goes through an initial period where the person's treatment is figured out, then the maintenance phase, then the something else - I forgot. But blog-wise, I seem to be in a maintenance phase.

So I guess I'll just update on things that are going on with me.

My biggest challenges at the moment are: Finding time to exercise. Really. I have tried to exercise to the Wii during the day with DS, but after an initial interest that lasts about 1 minute, DS wants to me turn it off with "I don't like this game!" Sighs. Hubby and I have not exercised together in weeks. We were doing it at night after the kids go to sleep, but I'm simply too tired for that. I'm either falling asleep with the kids, or spending about 30 min. with hubby then conking out. So the best I am managing at the moment is to try to exercise in the back yard when I can convince DS to go out. While he plays in the sand box, I jump on the trampoline. While he wanders around the yard, I jog after him. It ain't much, but it's something!

Another challenge is finding time to re-bond with hubby. We really don't spend much time together without it being "family time" which means we may be in the same room, but we're both completely engaged in some child-related something or other. We try, periodically, to get out to dinner together, but with two babysitters who are both very busy people, it doesn't happen often. And at day's end, I'm simply too tired to be much company. I used to stay up every night to watch a Netflix or whatever with him, but I get so tired I can't stand myself anymore, so I simply can't. I know that after a few days or a week of staying up with him I'll be cross-eyed. I do it anyway. Otherwise I don't see him at all. Ak! Then a night comes when I fall asleep while putting the kids to bed. I can't help it! Sighs. And so.

One area that's been challenging but in which I am making progress is diet. I am trying. I am eating better breakfasts. I am trying to cut out sugary crap cereal and that kind of thing. I'm trying to replace "nutrition" drinks for the kids with smoothies with all the goodies in them. I have been snacking less at night. Of course, being asleep helps with this. :/ I am finding that as I make better choices, I crave better things. That's not always true. After a week of eating well, sometimes I purge. Yesterday I had a burger for lunch with fries............ and last night I was snacking on popcorn and chips..... BUT, it's a process, and I want to eat well and feed the family well. Last weekend I planned out the meals for this past week. And it was great. I love having a plan and having all of the ingredients on hand. It makes things so much easier. It's a pain...coming up with meals and a shopping list and all....which is why I fall off the wagon with this....but when I can get myself to do it, it's great. So I did it again this weekend. And when I do it, hubby sometimes gets into the act, and plans his meals. Cool! So, onward with this goal. Onward.

But overall, I'm doing well. I'm no longer the grouch that I became when I was so depleted. I'm not yelling these days. I hated that me. I'm still not back to ever feeling rested, but I can see that on the horizon. Finally! And so on. So that's it. My maintenance phase. =)

12 Pills

I realized the other day that I take 12 pills a day. Twelve pills every day! How did I get to this point? Well....

Vitamins - I take them, as many do, to supplement what I eat, for good health.

Calcium - I read, more than a decade ago, about how taking calcium supplements can help women reduce bone loss as they age. Many women suffer from osteoporosis and related issues after menopause due to bone loss/reduced calcium absorption. I've been taking it ever since. I used to take one tablet a day until my dear midwives suggested I increase it to two per day. I did so about six years ago.

Vitamin D - At a recent visit with my midwife (for general woman care) she suggested I increase my intake of vitamin D. I take one a day.

Fish oil - I have thought for some time that I should take fish oil for the coveted omega-3 fatty acids. I don't eat fish (tuna once in a while...) so I started to take these recently. When I found out that most fish oil supplements contain PCBs, I stopped. I found some the other day at Whole Foods which claim to be PCB-free, so I got them. The bottle suggests two capsules a day, so that is what I take.

Lact-Enz - A probiotic recommended for me by the Clinical Nutritionist I see at the Natural Health Improvement Center. I take 3 a day.

Dermatrophin - Another supplement recently added by the Clinical Nutritionist at the NHIC. She told me that this one is to repair my skin (I see her for eczema/skin issues) I take two a day.

Wheat Germ Oil - Also recommended by the CN at the NHIC, this one gets squirted into my belly button. I know, I know, I think it's weird, too!! I do this once a day.

Yeah, it's crazy. Cave people did not do this. And every time I do any research on foods and health I get another person or group's opinion as to how to eat to treat yourself the best way you can, and they all disagree with each other. So is the best thing to do to eat everything in moderation? To cut out sugar? Fat? Carbs? What? I have no idea. But I'm giving the NHIC a chance to prove, or disprove, their take on things. But it is sort of funny. Hubby jokes that with all of these pills, I shouldn't need to eat!

Processing

Last night I woke up during the night with my head filled with sadness and fear. I had several emotional experiences crossing paths at the same time. Why my head chose to process all of these things last night I don't really know. But there it was. In the night I decided (as I've done before) that I should let someone professional help me process all of these things so that I can move forward with a clear(er) head. Then daylight comes, and I talk myself out of it again. Here's what passed through my head:

My mother's passing. I still can't say the "d" word, though my head can think it now without making me want to fall apart. Progress. And that only took 9 years (almost.) I accept the changes that has brought to my life. Of course. I have had no choice. But there are things that bring up sadness in me. Having kids makes me wonder what I was like as a baby, as a toddler, as a little girl. Was I like either of my kids? I would love to know that. I would love to talk with my mom about being a stay-home mom. It would be really neat to bond in that way. My father doesn't remember. And of course he had a different relationship with us kids than my mom did. I also have some unresolved issues with her. Who doesn't have unresolved issues with someone who has passed? But I was angry about some stuff, and perhaps with more time that could have been resolved. I also would simply have loved for her to know my kids, and vice versa. It ticks me off no end that the kids know the other grandparents so well. It just doesn't seem fair. But I am so very glad that they know and love my father, and vice versa. But for reasons I don't quite understand, he doesn't like to come up here. He will, once in a while. He comes for the kids' birthday parties. But he literally will come up, stay for the party, and leave. Driving 3 hours each way. Once in a great while he'll stay at a hotel over night, but it's still a really quick trip. It's weird. Anyhow. So I've got some issues there. And my father just turned 89 years old. Damn time!!

Then there's my friend's recent diagnosis of cancer. That really freaked me out. Really. Freaked. Me. Out. It scared me. It somehow really hit home for me how vulnerable we are as human beings. Suddenly I was scared to death that I had cancer. I felt so scared for her! And I think it brought back some stuff from my mom's illness. Awful. Just awful. And doing as much as I could think to do for my friend has not really relieved my fear and sadness. I did what I could think of to help her, then she informed us what her cancer was. I read about it a bit, and I was sick to my stomach all over again. I feel helpless, and it's terrifying.

And my relationship has some strain. Nothing too serious. But it's there, and it makes me sad. It's totally due to our lack of time together without the children. But they are little, and my older one is very anxious and very attached to me. So I'm with them all of the time. Yes, this time will pass, but it's tough on our relationship. Our friendship. He is tense from trying to balance work and home. He gets frustrated with our messy house. Our daughter's tendency to insist that I help her with things and not him gets him down. And so forth.

It's all tiring, and it's all coming up probably because of M's illness. It'll restuff. I look forward to it restuffing. And I think it's evil that it visited me in the night. But perhaps writing about it helps. So thanks for letting me share. Here's my stomping it all back in. STOMPSTOMPSTOMP!!!!!

Phew.

Advertise My Stuff through HMN? (sewing)

Crazy Daisy is thinking again. Uh-oh. I am a member of the Holistic Moms Network, a nation-wide group of, well, holistic minded moms. Every year, this group has a big conference in NJ. I have never been to it, but am very hopeful to be able to attend this fall. I have been receiving emails about it recently. One such email listed ways for people who sell items that might appeal to the holistically minded to advertise their businesses. There are a few ways, but one particular one got my brain moving. A person can pay ($75.00) to have certain items placed in the "goody" bags that each participant at the conference will receive. Now because these folks are environmentally minded, no paper (including business cards) is accepted. (How cool is that?) But people can put logo items in, such as pens, magnets, and so forth. And that got me thinking that I could do something like that with my shop's email address on them. And of course that would mean that I would have to stock the shop with something that such minded folks would be interested in. And THAT got me thinking about ideas such as........ a Go-Paperless Kit. I would, I figure, have to stock the shop with kits that cost something. I'm not going to be able to repay myself for the up-front costs if I'm selling individual items at a low cost. That would take a lot of sales. But if I put together kits that maybe cost $50.00 each, or a variety of kits, ranging from $25.00-$50.00 or more, perhaps I could make it work. Hm. Am I nuts? There is something to lose here. For one thing, money. I could lost the cost of having the items placed in the bags. I would have to order them, of course, and mail them, too. Then if I had any sales, it would take a few to break even, then start to earn. And so forth. So it's a bit of a risk. However, I also have the regular Etsy shoppers to market to. And I have ways of promoting my shop around too. I dunno. It's also a lot of time commitment, and history has definitely shown that I lose interest in making the same item over and over again. However, that is what I had planned to do with fleece hats for a fall craft show anyhow. So. Hm. Maybe the thing to do is to take a month or two, make up a couple of kits, and see how easy it would be to make a bunch up before October. Or maybe I'm overdoing it. Maybe I should make a kit or two and see how they fare in the shop, before I invest a bunch of money in advertising something that won't sell. That feels like the place to start. I've got time. If they do well, I can proceed from there.

It keeps me moving.